Allow me to throw my own hat into that same ring. It also feels unnatural to try and curb this inclination, you know? It feels contrived, control-freaky, an abyss of loss of identity constrained by autonomous and extrinsic circumstance-responses. Fuck that.
You're an interesting person, TC. On the one hand you seem wise and insightful about who you are. On the other hand, you seem like you're rationalizing being a slacker. Your post does make think that maybe subs have all the power in the end.
I fear you lose yourself in the goals of others without ever knowing what you want for yourself alone.
I've already lost that.
So find it again. How old are you?
ImNotHer stated: source post
The responsibility of staying committed to a project, and fear that I might not be able to keep producing the same excellence I started out with.
Also, lack of attention span and organizational skills can frustrate to the point where escapism and procrastination are more inviting.
Ya, perfectionism and procrastination -- fear of failing. I have this.
I still aim to make enough money to live comfortably, but there is little passion and pride behind it (pretty much enough to have basic standards, but even there's lowered a bit). I don't really see where else could be dubbed slacking beyond occupation in my current case.
Age-wise I'm somewhere in my mid-twenties. Life is slow and there's still a long way to go. Insomnia tends to stretch how arduously long that days feel. There's plenty of time, but neither the means nor the drive to bother. Can't really think of a better way to put it other than saying that my life so far has left me weary, tired, and often questioning the point. Little feels worth it to me, but plenty feels worth it to others, so focusing on that is something to do with my time and a distraction from a wasteful downward spiral.
With any luck, their zeal will be infectious beyond the moment, and surviving on borrowing their time is more likely to have me find answers that I won't find alone. Being by myself isn't something I think I can do anymore.
Alterego stated: source post
Your intellectual defense mechanisms are as impenetrable as Fort Knox, TC. ;)
I can't imagine what's behind it at this point other than self loathing, some warped sensitivities, and suicidal ideation.
You've read a lot of my posts, what do you think's hiding back there?
No wonder you so deeply crave having someone strip you down. Pain allows you a measure of release.
It's more of a physical thing, but that is an added bonus. I'm a somewhat different me after the shock sets in, but said different me is moreso different from who I once was than who I am now (the differences before were drastic). Main differences now when reduced are that I am less challenging and more passive from a cleared head, but also more enthralled and wishful towards pain, while my prior more shy self had the change seem like I had two different personalities. Pain was the gateway towards higher levels of confidence, self control, and power (the gradually increasing sadism however I find somewhat troubling).
It takes a fair deal to hit the stages where I finally let go of myself, but it feels so much better than not. It unclenches the strain and makes the one responsible glow. My life feels like I am squeezing a stress ball compulsively, but having enough pain and exterior restraint allows me to finally stop, allows me to let go for once and just be. It feels natural, and euphoric more than any drug's proven to be thus far. I... need this.
I was more of a loner, but also more unstable prior to learning this, now I'm needier and more stable while less in touch with myself. Both are in their own ways maladaptive, but the latter feels more functional, less depraved, more free than I am when I'm holding my own leash. They offer release, and they tend to be less demanding of me than I delusionally am of myself.
Despite how much typing came out about the non-physical portions, that's moreso from the physical having less to talk about and from it being me repeating older material. The algolagnia itself is old news.
ThenFuckit stated: source post
After thinking about this for 10 minutes in the span of 3 days, i have concluded:
Time
Got to say I overlooked this one until you mentioned it. I tend to do worse when I'm letting the concept of time subconsciously effect my descions. Perceiving too much makes you lethargic and complacent. Too little causes me stress and work in a fast, counterproductive manner.
Usually a middle ground option is what I'd advocate but not in this instance. Omitting time and putting a mild emphasis on what you desire seems to be the conditions in which I've done the best and felt the happiest
ImNotHer stated: source post
The responsibility of staying committed to a project, and fear that I might not be able to keep producing the same excellence I started out with.
Also, lack of attention span and organizational skills can frustrate to the point where escapism and procrastination are more inviting.
^This is so me.
In spite of running a successful organization for over half a decade, every year, I wonder whether or not there will be enough of a need/ interest within my community to sustain it. This is patently illogical, because we keep growing, but I never take it for granted. And I always protect myself from becoming too invested by remaining emotionally detached from the people I lead. :P
Turncoat stated: source post
I still aim to make enough money to live comfortably, but there is little passion and pride behind it (pretty much enough to have basic standards, but even there's lowered a bit). I don't really see where else could be dubbed slacking beyond occupation in my current case.
Age-wise I'm somewhere in my mid-twenties. Life is slow and there's still a long way to go. Insomnia tends to stretch how arduously long that days feel. There's plenty of time, but neither the means nor the drive to bother. Can't really think of a better way to put it other than saying that my life so far has left me weary, tired, and often questioning the point. Little feels worth it to me, but plenty feels worth it to others, so focusing on that is something to do with my time and a distraction from a wasteful downward spiral.
With any luck, their zeal will be infectious beyond the moment, and surviving on borrowing their time is more likely to have me find answers that I won't find alone. Being by myself isn't something I think I can do anymore.
You sound a little depressed. :( I think it's good you recognize that being by yourself isn't good right now. I've always struggled with a strong need to be alone alongside a need to be with others, who I find compatible. When I'm with others for extended periods I can lose my footing from not having the time i need to make sense of my surroundings and provide context to what's happening. But if alone for too long I think way too much and spiral to weird places. I'm better able now to spot the cues when either situation is about to go sideways. I don't have anything wise to say. I make a better troll but I do appreciate reading your honest posts.