Sugar stated: source post
women who are emotional to the point it affects their work make me sick lol, and i rarely see men acting on their feelings in the same way. women who are only feisty toward other women and are meek when a man confronts them in any way. women who are only happy being with someone who is taken are damaged to me (same for men, but again i rarely see a pattern like this).
yes i do have a hard time and i'm also slightly autistic so i usually need concrete examples to answer relative questions. they will and have fallen apart without me at home, i really can't afford to indulge at the cost of seeing people try to destroy each other. at work, quality and resourcefulness tend to go down without me (i've noticed when i've been promoted, how things i used to deal with have gone downhill) not to the point of disaster, but a substantial amount.
OK I'm going to step over the defending oneself and the gender roll stuff for now. I'd like to focus on you feeling that without you, everything falls apart.
We'll start with home life. I'm going to give an example of my own understanding of what I see you describing. It's my understanding that in a dysfunctional family, the person who takes on the role of "the glue", i.e. keeping everyone from killing each other, hitting rock bottom, or protecting the "weaker" adult members, is referred to as an enabler. I'm sure everyone will jump on this and have many other ways you can look at it, but I'll hold my position on this one.
In a movie, this person is supposed to be the noble one, the strong one, the only one who has the mind to do the right thing. In reality this person is just another side of dysfunction and in no way less codependent than any of the rest of the dysfunction. They are also just as "weak" as the rest of this messy family because they can't bring themselves to allow other people to be responsible for their own lives. What's more, they help keep the rest of the family in their current position, As long as they are there to take charge and do "the right thing", no one else has to. They also believe that a person who cares and has love for their family, wouldn't just step back and let everything fall to pieces. That's because they've been taught a warped version of love, and they also really do believe that somehow things would be far worse if they just let go. The truth is, it probably would be about the same without them playing hero. At some point this same person will head towards a burn out trying to be the glue in this codependent set up, and they will continue to attract partners and friends that form a second and third codependent set up. Truth is, you're not the family hero, or the stronger member. You're just another dysfunctional person contributing to a toxic community.
At work, same thing. The enabler becomes the leader who makes everything work. When they aren't there, everything goes to shit. That's because they don't bother trying to build on everyone's strengths and keep training and retraining everyone, so that they can become more effective in the workplace. No, instead, they just take over because deep down they believe they are the only one who can do the job right, and that feels good, even when it feels bad. They are the most important person at their place of business. Why would you want to take the time to build everyone up to that level? Why would you want to give up your 'most awesome person who can do everything' award away from yourself, to build a stronger team?
Truth is, if work goes to absolute shit when you aren't there to hold it together, you're doing something wrong. You're also kidding yourself if you think it just means you're better, stronger, or smarter. If you were, you would have already figured out just how much the same you are, as all these other dysfunctional people.
You use the mess to make you look like the strong one. You need it to continue to be that way in both worlds, work and home so you can hold on to that bullshit you're hiding your true weakness behind.