things that hapened this week that i feel like writing down coz yall are a captive and unwilling audience
-met a guy who told me he was one of janet jacksons backup dancers for her rhythm nation tour. He also told me that he had full blown aids and the government took his house to build a hadron collider on the land. i went along with it, coz you have to when someone is that sincere about batshit insanity.
later in the evening, he asked if I wanted to buy a tec-9. Outta intirest I asked how much, and his answer was “for your loyaltyâ€
-was tryna talk dirty while really drunk and told my signif. other that id run her over in a Ford Fiesta. She got up and slept on the couch
-signif. other has moved in the past 2 weeks with her cancerous cat. They took its teeth out and it has some kinda tumor in its throat. It looks like bill hicks when he squints. so i found its pain meds in the bathroom, called Buprenex. googled it and turns out it’s a kinda opioid thing. theres a lot of stuff about it not being siuitable for human use but that’s clearley just an FDA thing rather than a safety thing, and I was “researching†this on liberal amounts of vodka and froot loops. So obviously I figured it was a good idea to try it.
It was not a good idea. Feline opiates taste like blood and dry your mouth out for hours
-a british judge wig I bought online came in the mail and signif. other asked me to get rid of it coz it creeps her out. So I threw it in the fire outside (the trash can would have been a sound choice, in retrospect) and realized it was plastic coz the smoke was kinda black and smelt like 1945 hiroshima.
So me being the renowned scholar and cerebral heavyweight that I am tried to put it out with a shovel and ended up whipping a flaming chunk of hair up onto the roof, which I managed to hose down before the whole exercise turned into a felony
Then I see through my neighbors window that theyre standin around with about 20 other people, all wearing black and eating little sandwiches while staring at me. theyre sitting shiva
goddamn I typed a lot. Anyway don’t read this. bit late now though, bet you regret that :D