I wanted to write down what’s been happening the past couple of days but now that i’ve actually sat down to write it i don’t know where to start. I’ve just written this for myself to try and make sense of it, but now i’ve wrote it i may as well post it and see if anyone has any thoughts/comments.
The serious shit started last night. I was just drifting off to sleep, very relaxed, when suddenly my heart started beating really, really fast, i could feel it thumping in my chest, and very irregular, like it seemed to stop for ages and start again quickly. I couldn’t move, perhaps like sleep paralysis, and my hands and arms were numb and tingly. I couldn’t breathe, well, i could, but only very shallow breaths. I was desperately trying to gulp in some air, in but my chest was really tight and the breath just wouldn’t go in. I tried to call for help but no sound would come out, and i couldn’t move my arms to reach my phone.
It was like someone had blocked off my ears, like my ear canals started to narrow or smth, then there was a man’s voice, very calm and clear, saying ‘something’s happening’ over and over again. He might have said ‘something’s wrong’ a few times as well, but mostly it was just ‘something’s happening’. I know it was coming from inside my head, but it was the clearest voice i’ve ever heard, as real as someone talking in real life.
i thought I was having a heart attack, and my first thought was, ‘I’m not ready to die yet’. But when no sound would come out of my mouth i realised there was nothing i could do, and decided just to relax into it and let whatever was going to happen happen. I started thinking about how nobody in my family had ever suffered from heart disease before, how upset my grandma would be that she is outliving many of her descendants, how long it would take for someone to come round to the house or report me missing, whether people would judge the rather disreputable collection of empty wine bottles i seem to have accumulated in my room when they find me.
The attacks lasted about 5 mins each, but happened one after the other, like multiple orgasms. I reckon about an hour in total. It wasn’t until about half way through i realised it was probably just a panic attack. I recognised the symptoms from reading James Fallon’s book. Can’t remember what it was called but it was a good read.
After about 20 mins or so the ‘something’s happening’ voice started to fade and was replaced by other voices, a couple arguing, a newsreader reading the news, somebody calling out a list of names, snippets of conversations and background noise. There were flashing lights also. Once I opened my eyes and there was a flashing sign saying ‘danger’ above my head, but mostly i kept my eyes closed. As I relaxed I started to actually enjoy the experience, being so out of it and handing control completely over to whatever was happening to me. Even the racing heart felt almost healthy in a way, like something that was meant to happen, and the way the voices shut my ears off was kind of like a good trip and a break from the world. I was even a little disappointed when it was over and I returned to normal.
When it stopped and I went to sleep i slept for over 12 hours, and all day today i’ve felt completely on another planet. When i woke up it was like someone was pressing on my head and squeezing the sides of it together. I went to the kitchen to bake a cake and had the feeling that i was outside my body looking in, and i could see myself clearer in my mind than i could see through my eyes. I keep thinking that i can’t believe i’m really here, right now, on this earth and this is actually happening. Even if i’m doing smth totally normal like walking down the street or having a cup of coffee it just doesn’t feel real at all, like i just literally cannot believe this is actually happening. I keep looking at the clock and being amazed at what time it is, like it’s some sort of dream.
People keep asking if i’m ok, even some girl in the gym i’d never spoken to before came up and asked if i was alright, which is concerning because i thought i was acting totally normal. I went into M&S, can’t remember why i went in there but i was just wandering round staring at random stuff, really trying to pull myself together and snap out of it but just couldn’t. Then all of a sudden i was in a different shopping centre, with no memory of how i got from M&S to there, or again what i was there for. I forgot an email address i’d had for over 10 years, even though it’s basically [email protected], and at one point when i took out my phone i expected it to be the old Nokia i had when i was about 16, and i just looked at my iPhone 6 like i had no clue what it was or how to work it before i remembered. When i was in town i was even forgetting which city i was in and how to get to places. It’s quite scary. I feel like i should add an emoticon after that but i’m not sure how (and that’s not a symptom of the panic attack, i generally am that bad with technology).
I’ve had physical symptoms too, like feeling really sick and dizzy all day, a stabbing pain in my stomach and still got a tight chest, although no difficulty breathing. I want smth to eat, especially smth sweet, but i would prob just throw up if i ate anything. i’m considering ordering a pizza because it’s the only thing i fancy, and there’s no way i feel like cooking anything.
I’ve reread what i just wrote and decided i’m going to order a pizza and then post this on the forum.