Lately, I've been having a build up of events that have pushed me farther than normal. Coping with my old behaviors just isn't becoming acceptable as the issues I've kept under wraps continually seem to worsen. Something needs to change and honestly I have no other leads than to do what I've typically done in the past, dive head first and let these behaviors drive me to reform how I act.
My issue is flat out and plain, an extremely large base of narcissistic insecurity and a very high standard/self image. In my early teens(13-15) I was extremely delusional. Due to home conditions growing up, I lacked a father figure for a significant period of time. My mother has severe borderline personality disorder, resulting into emotional tirades and meltdowns almost daily, sometimes to the point of her not being able to function or make decent decisions for her and my brothers well being. My father left at a young age, but instilled I needed to be "the man of the house" before he left. That message stuck, in honoring his memory I took up that role, supervising my mother and brother at as young a age 8. I was reminding her to pay her bills on certain dates during the month(when she got paid), would go with her shopping critiquing what she'd buy, refusing gifts in order for her to pay utilities, becoming the main discipline figure for my brother and calming my mother down during her daily breakdowns. What was worse was that this position wasn't challenged by my mother and this behavior continued for years, building up an feeling of superiority and need for control.
Fast forward to me being 15 I noticed these behaviors and how what I saw wasn't what was exactly in front of me. That need for control and being used to a position of authority had built up an enormous base of insecurity where I needed that same degree of control and supremacy that mimicked my childhood to feel normal/function. What soon happened was that once I understood this delusion, the need for validation changed. It was not enough for me to feel superior, I had to prove it. Since then my life has been filled with me taking on arduous, unnecessary burdens to prove to myself I am as good as I thought I was. Focused in the right places, its gained me some success but honestly it's become entirely too self destructive. The bar for supremacy raised as I made each successful validation and that image of myself in my head got subconsciously bigger and bigger. What started as a shallow, narcissistic compass turned into an OCD/Perfectionist compulsion that needed to be achieved or I faced consequences. Not living up to my own standards on even the smallest level lead to depression, anxiety, feelings of self hate/resentment that would last sometimes for weeks unless I pushed that bar up.
Those consequences aren't something I can control, I can sit here and fully acknowledge what I expect of myself is ridiculously absurd, but it does not stem those symptoms from coming. I'm forced to be perfect. Insecurity has been the main driving force behind everything I've done in my young life so far. It's the reason I picked the hardest job, in the hardest branch of the world's best military at age 17. The prime example of this is when I worked at a factory for over a year. 60 hour mandatory weeks, physical labor(stacking 30-40 lb bags thousands of times a day) for hours on end. What happened was, fresh out of Infantry School, I found the job too easy. I started doubling the quota, but that soon did not become enough, I'd start skipping both of my breaks working 8-12 hours straight. What came next was that I started skipping out on sleep, purposely for that feeling of validation. I'd go 3-4 days at a time, no breaks, no sleep and when it was all said and done I was weary but accomplished. Fast forward almost 2 years later, where I had to withhold that standard or pass above it due to psychological compulsions, I had a series of nervous breakdowns which made me isolate myself from anyone outside of work for sometime(I needed all the free time I could to relax).
So, here I am at 20 years old, looking for the next level of validation. It's the only thing I'm motivated to do and because of this I'm going to be sending myself out overseas to do contracting work instead of going to college. I honestly don't see anyway out of this anytime soon, I've learned that instead of fighting against it, it's better to work with the drives and try to position them in the right direction to be successful at least. At this rate, I dont see it working. Sure it's an endless source of motivation but the bar rises too quick and I'm prone to divulge into self destructive behaviors yet again to get the validation I've come to need. The closest condition I've found to this is covert narcissism, though it's not even officially an actual thing I found the traits in these two links to be both varying but accurate.
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/revealing-the-two-faces-of-narcissism-overt-and-covert-narcissism/
http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/shycovertnarcissist.html
A chart(hit or miss with my symptoms, but you get the general idea) http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/arrogantshycomparison.html
Overall, im looking for anyone that can relate, suggest/offer any advice and insight as to what I can do.
