Hello hello…I am new here
I stumbled upon this community when I was looking for answers. Answers I actually already knew. But once you admit it to yourself, you start digging. Because as it happens to be, besides being a psychopath I am also a perfectionist.
Well, to me this is some kind of a new experience, as I finally found a reason why I am different than most people in my surrounding. Even though I always had mental issues, I might have finally found the one word that explains it all.
First a few bits of my background story for more profound insight. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia and was diagnosed as a person with very low self-esteem. Now this may sound like the opposite of a psychopath, but actually it is not. Because when I was first talking to my psychologist, as I was ordered to, because I ve gotten dangerously thin, she asked me what I think might be the reason why I m trying to get thinner. The honest answer would have been ,,because I want to get as much attention as possible out of it, because I think people dont give me enough credit and this way I can have control over something concerning my life“. Of course I didnt say that. I knew if I said that, this would not go all too well for me. So instead I answered that I had some bad childhood memories and a history of mobbing. Which happens to be true. But actually even though I hated these people, I never felt unworthy or had very low self-esteem. I rather had the impression people should pay more attention to me. I felt like I was neglected. I dont want to go deeper into that matter because most of „us“ might have had a hard time when they were kids, and sometimes parenting has not really been the real deal. I overcame anorexia as it stopped serving my intention.
As much as I would like to blame someone else for my ,,condition“, the truth would be to admit that I have always been this way. Sure, my parents fucked up but sometimes but I ve had it pretty good at home. At least as far as I can recall. But I always (seriously always) got what I wanted by manipulating others. I do think my IQ is higher than average (which happens to be true but I dont mention it. I rather get other people figuring it out). I never really had to work hard for good grades, I was good at almost everything. Arts and science in particular. I am starting Master s degree in biodiversity research next year but I also engage in all kinds of creative activities, such as drawing, photography, dance, cooking and design. My interests for science might come from the aspect of pursuing my affinity to dissection (legally) and learning about nature and our planet. I was always interested in medicine, anatomy, but also methods and ancient history of torture. I love slasher and horror movies. If I dont find them ridiculous then I find them interesting. I am never scared. Why would I be? It is just a movie. Romantic movies however disgust me. I can simply not watch it because to me it is not only boring (yeah, I get bored a lot) but also pathetic. Art gives me the opportunity to bring my rater troubled thoughts about violence to paper. But I also draw animals and landscapes. I go outside a lot, mostly for nature photography. I think it is this balancing act that keeps me sane.
I am not a pathological lier. I think full frontal lies would somehow be too dangerous as they might bounce back at me. But lies do come very naturally to me. I dont even have to think about it, it just smoothens into the conversation whenever it fits and suits my intentions. I never use them to intentionally harm people, but to get my way. I can tell where someone s soft spot lies. I am very good at spotting weaknesses and interpreting people, their desires and personality. But instead of hurting them I can make them admire me. Mostly because I dont ,,show“ them my true self. I am no sadist but I m a master of masking myself. Ok, I dont actually know who I am, it is hard to tell when you have an inner emptiness and hundreds of skins you can slide into. I can jump into any given character and play it convincingly. Funny thing is, even though I am emotionally cold and distant, my family thinks I am very caring. Without emotional attachment (or pretended attachment) people are creeped out. I learnt that very fast. So I can hide that behind crocodile tears. I really WANT to feel something, I do. But I cant get myself to feel real love or to care strongly enough about someone. In fact, it is much more likely that I develop feelings to (other) animals than humans. I did have a boyfriend, but I just enjoyed his company because we had similar interests. But when he got romantic I became so turned off, because I cant relate to that. I told him I didnt love him, which devastated him. So I knew it was wrong and I wrote a huge text just to make him feel a tiny bit better. But in fact, it was not for my conscious but rather that he would leave me alone and not ruin other friendships of mine by revealing me as a cold-hearted bitch. I do think he knows that I am not normal. But it doesn`t matter anymore, because there is no hard proof.
I dont feel guilty about breaking up from one day to another, without any explanation. I dont think I ever felt truly guilty. I know it however, by definition. And I know when I should feel guilty, but it is never more than the abstract deductive form of guilt.
I dont know if I really am without any kind of emotion. It is hard to tell, because if you have never felt true emotions how can you know they arent real? Although I am pretty sure mine are fake, since it is clearly not the same as others feel. But mostly I deceive myself to make life easier. I do care about some people, I think, but I dont miss them. My ,,best friend“ traveled to Russia and she is gone for 6 month now. I didnt feel the urge to write her, not once. I would do a lot for her if she needed me, but I dont think it would be out of platonic love but rather because I dont want to loose her. If someone dies I can cry, no problem. But I dont FEEL sad. I just ,,switch“ on my mask of sadness. Sometimes I almost believe it myself, but then, when no one is watching, I suddenly feel nothing again. This ,,nothingness“ or emptiness is something that might have led to bulimia. I tried to fill that hole of missing emotions with something else. But I m pretty sure if I had enough excitement in my life, I could easily abandon it.
I am not a criminal. Well ok, I did some pretty bad stuff, but I never got caught. I am smart and never do obvious things that could reveal me as who I am. I faked signatures (actually pretty important ones) of my doctor, parents, school teacher. I rehearsed so long until I got it perfect and only used it when nobody would ever find out about it. I even stole stuff, just for kicks. But I planned it very well and always put it back again. My aim was to do it without anyone noticing. Some sort of a perfect theft. That adds up to my perfectionism. Whatever I start, I have to be the best at it. Now this could be narcissism but I dont think of myself as a better being, even though I do have very high expectancies. And I wish others to see that. Ok, ok lets go with narcissism. But not to the point where others could see it as arrogance. I am not impulsive (anymore), which is one main characteristic of a psychopath. But then again, I can control me but if I didnt it would have drastic consequences. So I can manage myself pretty well. Maybe because I was extremely impulsive to the point of terrorism at early childhood, so that I trained myself to stay calm in order to be less mentally conspicuous. I have the unique quality that people seem to confide anything to me. They think of me as a good listener. But as much as I try, I am not really interested in their stories. I just know that if I dont do my share of ,,being a good friend“ I will loose them and that would be stupid to risk. I wouldnt be all too sad if I lost them, but they sometimes make me feel more normal, when I am included in some sort of social life that is not 100% fake (because I usually just switch on my charm mode).
.. to be continued