Again? Oh, my fucking God. How can you fail so many times?
I do not wish you ill, but this is getting ridiculous. Just climb/walk to the highest point in your city/town and throw yourself head-first. You will die 100% guaranteed. Stop half-assing your suicide attempts. It's hurting you more than just staying alive, for the love of a fucking necromancer.
Dying will hurt no matter what the fuck you try, so if you're afraid of the amount of pain, just stop altogether, motherfucker.
there is no 100% guarantee. she might just break her back and be paralyzed for the rest of her life with no way out lol. even a gun won't necessarily work, you might end up with a fucked up face, brain damage and again, no way out. there should be a movie of sin's attempts called no way out.
on today's episode of the suicide show, we have: electrocution!!
i've always been reluctant to try this because i assumed that it would result in agonizing pain, but everything else has failed me so far so i resort to this.
i took a pair of nail clippers and sat there in front of the electrical outlet for about 5 or 10 minutes working up the courage to stick the thing in. every time i'm about to i envision myself convulsing in arcs of electricity and i can't make myself do it. finally with my heart racing i shove the thing as far into the outlet as it will go, and guess what happens?? NOTHING.
i was so pissed off. i was at least expecting SOMETHING to happen. but, no dice. not even a tingle.
look, here's a picture of me with the nail file thingy in the outlet and nothing is happening lol.
i dunno why i didn't burn a giant hole in the carpet tbh. maybe i'll soak myself wet in the shower and then try again
i walked a mile or two down to the train bridge, fully intent to throw myself off it and die a sure and quick death. however, when i was almost there, i looked up from the ground under my feet and there was a train sitting there, not moving or anything, just sitting there and blocking my way onto the bridge.
i walked back down the tracks and wandered around in the surrounding forest for a while, waiting to see if the train would move and let me by, but it didn't move. eventually a discouraged me walked back home through the rain under trees that dripped cold water on my head.
it's not like i'm ever going to stop trying, or give up on this, as long as i live. it's the one thing that i have true and solid determination in life to accomplish. i honestly don't care what i end up having to do in order to kill myself, if i have to spend months scouring the backwoods for some rare poisonous plant or something then i don't give a fuck. it all won't matter in the end, because i'll just be dead. and then i'll be happy. finally.
somehow, this is how i end up solving all of my problems, this same trial-and-endless-error approach. it never does seem to work that well, i think, and maybe like you said that's evidence of how i'm not very bright. i certainly feel like a dumbass to myself after all.
all my life i've pushed myself to the limit of my capacity trying to show my intelligence. in elementary school i was always 'that kid who never studies but gets perfect grades'. i got high scores on every stupid intelligence or aptitude test they could throw at me, and the people at school said i was really smart and put me in this program for gifted kids where there were like ten other people but me. then when i was in high school i was too apathetic to try at anything and my grades became shit. at that point i was 'misunderstood genius maligned by the school system'. all the school officials told me the same thing, 'you're so smart, you're so smart', that's what i've been hearing all my life. the same shit.
when i was fourteen i got my first computer, that's when i found it, what my passion was, i just KNEW that i had to be the best that i possibly could with computers. so i threw all of myself into it, i would stay up all night teaching myself shit, and then sleep through the school day.
the problem was that i didn't enjoy any of it, i didn't have any passion for the actual doing, i just knew that i had to be 'that computer genius girl who hacked all the computers like a boss'. but i had no willpower to continue with what i was doing, because it was hard, it was boring, and my skitterish mind wouldn't let me stay concentrated on it for any amount of time. so i slowly sunk into a depression. i hated the fact that i couldn't learn this stuff, and i hated myself for it. i thought i was retarded. i thought i was a worthless piece of shit. i refused to do anything but lay on my cot in my room under the stairs, in the dark, with this very same laptop that i'm typing this with resting on my knees, and shitpost on this forum, the very same forum, over and over again, saying the same exact shit. this forum was my drug, it was my addiction, it kept the real world at bay, and it gave an excellent way to waste away the empty hole of time provided by my failure in life. i became an edgy depressed retard with cuts on my arm. i believe that there is still something somewhere on the internet that i posted that says, 'after the tenth failed hacking attempt, i put down the keyboard and picked up the razor' (or something like that).
the forum, by the way, was called proxywhore.com, and my username was theBlack. you can look me up if you want, and see all the retarded shit that i posted back then.
i rationalized it away, thinking to myself that 'my mind didn't operate in terms of computers', and i had 'a special hidden intelligence that didn't show itself in the realm of tech'. i went to a psychiatrist for some reason or another, where they performed an iq test on me. when they gave it back and it said that i had an iq of 123, i was secretly delighted, and my faith in myself was somewhat restored. i slowly lost interest in hacking, and my mind gradually drifted away from computers. but even though my self hate was gone, my depression remained.
i want to commit suicide because: i feel like shit all day, every day, my life is a shitwreck, i live in a room on the ground floor of my parents' house that smells like my unwashed armpits and my social anxiety is too severe to let me leave the house and have even the most basic interactions with people. it feels like there's a blank hole in that part of my brain that's labeled 'happiness' where a bunch of neurons are supposed to be. it feels like i'm running through a nightmarescape with no control and nowhere to go, running for no reason at all, screaming so loud but nothing comes out, clawing at the insides of a glass jar kept inside my head where little mini-me is kept trapped, spinning in its own little world like that of the clay santa inside a snow-globe. there is literally no point whatsoever to my existence. and some people say that that's a good thing, that you're supposed to 'enjoy life as it comes', 'go out and seek happiness', 'live life like you mean it', well FUCK YOU. every single day the fact that THERE IS NO POINT TO MY EXISTENCE smacks me in the face like a bag full of mushy bird guts, and i hate it so much. i'm still trapped in the nightmarescape inside of my head. what do you expect me to do, shit golden bricks??
i want to commit suicide, but there's so much pain. everything that damages your body enough for it to stop working permanently inevitably involves pain. and pain is the thing that i fear most.
to put this into perspective, here's an example. i was about ten years old, and i had a fear of jumping off things. even if it was a short drop that wouldn't hurt me, i couldn't make myself do it. so one day i decided to tell this fear to fuck off once and for all, and i climbed up to the roof of the shed that stood in the backyard, which was about six feet tall. and i stood there on the roof of that thing, and i told myself that i couldn't climb down from it, i had to jump, and i would stay up there until i jumped.
i stood there for i don't even know long, three hours must have went by, the sun went down, and i was left standing there in darkness, trying to jump. i tried to make myself but every time i was about to i thought of my ankles shattering and screaming in pain and i just couldn't. so eventually my dad comes out there, he asks what i'm doing, i say nothing, he tells me to come in because it's dark. so i finally climb down and go inside.
this is my sheer aversion to doing anything that causes pain. now the fact that today i was able to break through that barrier in my mind, and shove that nail clipper all the way into the electrical outlet, shows you just how much i was willing to do in order to die.
now, this was before i read your comment.
"You should abort any further attempts at suicide. You are obviously not bright enough to conduct the necessary research to do things properly.
Maybe you should go back to school and learn, and I mean it."
your three fucking sentences literally shattered through every single fucking thing that i had ever told myself or been told about how smart i was, how much of an intelligent person i was, how good of a hacker i was, what a superior human being i was, years and years, a lifetime of ego building, and i was returned to the little piece of shit that i had started out as, the worthless person, the lame girl, the useless hacker, the nothing, the nobody that i had always been, but was too scared to admit to myself it, what was always buried underneath a trove of a million compliments.
and now you done broke me.
if there hadn't been a train there sitting on that bridge i can guarantee you 100 percent that all my fear of pain would have been gone and i would have flung myself off that fucking bridge like a baby bird trying to fly that forgets it doesn't have feathers yet and whooshes down all the 10 stories to the ground where it smacks the pavement and its head splats like an egg. just like a more morbid version of smack that.
anyway, some unwitting train conductor today may have prevented a tragic teen suicide. you can go find him and thank him that i'm not sitting at the bottom of my local river right now.
yours sincerely and suicidally,
sinister
Sin, I really like you. You remind me of myself when I was your age (but a much smarter, savvier version).
I don't have any real wisdom or words of encouragement. I can hear your pain and it's difficult to read. I hope you can find an alternative. When we have nothing to lose, we're at our most inventive. I think the world would be a much better place if you could hang around for a bit longer. You have my absolute best wishes.
If you ever want to chat, PM me and I'll give you my email.