by OpheliaBecause I'm very particular about whom I use and abuse in the bedroom. Apart from anonymous words on a page, I'm strictly monogamous. As for sadomasochism, you're the boring minority here, vanilla cupcake. I wouldn't fuck Jay any more than I would fuck you.
Cause you know I wouldn't stand for it.
I have never had the desire to engage in consensual sadistic activities and the reason why is unknown to me the same way the reason why I prefer grape jelly to strawberry jam is unknown to me. I just do and I don't spend time questioning why I don't have things, I simply accept who I am and behave accordingly. I have no stress related to who I am as a person and accept myself unconditionally unless I see fit to change.
I understand things the way I see them. The way I see them makes sense to me, I don't do things that don't make sense to me and I only discuss what interests me. In the case of why I don't like consensual sadistic sex, I have no interest in discussing that because I simply don't like the idea of it and that is sufficient enough for me not to want to try it, the same way I don't want to discuss why I prefer grape jelly to strawberry jam because beyond the fact that it tastes good, I don't have a bigger explanation and the way I see it, we are who we are. I have no shame and no desire to change what I like, so I avoid discussing things I don't understand beyond a certain point because there is no prospect in my mind of a better existence. The one I am of and understand in my own subjective meaning is mostly stress free and when I look around me, I see many supposedly "normal" people crying and getting down on things that I simply accept and plow right through because of the way I see them. I am of the realization that there is nothing wrong with who I am, I don't desire to change my feelings on things and the only desire of change I have is to adjust myself to meet practical solutions that protect my physical and emotional well being, but I am not insecure about my interests and what constitutes my idea of emotional well being.
They do not impede my life in a negative way and although certain ones could, they haven't as of yet and if they do, I always accept my situation and move forward in a way to better it which I am always able to do. Would I be bored in prison? I imagine so, based on what it entails but that is a thought and only a possibility, just like there is a possibility I may be stabbed tomorrow but it does not scare me because if it is going to happen, it is going to happen and I don't know. I have faith in myself, faith and confidence that when I do things that are potentially dangerous, I know the steps to take to minimize my risk of failure. Failure is always a risk and the idea of consequence varies from person to person. I view prison as a consequence, but not as one I couldn't deal with. I have not been to prison and I have not been to the future, so of course I don't know exactly how it would go for me, but I imagine based on experience and being in difficult situations in the past, even if not on the same level, I would find a way to be content and to make the best of my situation with what I had.
At that point, dwelling on how I shouldn't have done what I did, how I missed the more free life I once had and sitting in my cell depressed and giving up on life would not be practical so I think I would focus on moving forward, forgetting on the past and focusing on what I currently had as that would be more beneficial for my well being. If I couldn't and felt as though suicide was my only way out, I would take that but based on what I know about myself and all I have to go on, I don't see that as my most likely course of action. When I think of death, I don't fear it because I don't yet know it, therefore I see nothing to fear. In the case of prison and in the case where I may see it as the best option, I would not be leaving behind anything happy at that point and therefore I don't think anything to miss. I would maybe have thoughts of how things could get better and if a practical thought came to mind to better my situation, I would try it. I would commit suicide when all my options were exhausted and I felt as though, by trial and error, nothing I could imagine and that was logically practical would ease my situation. The point is, I don't know based on what I thought I had covered up well in my crime that they would find something I was unaware of. Those thoughts of "what if" are natural, but unpredictable unless you logically know that you have screwed up.
Risk and danger is the spice of life and there is risk and potential danger with simply sitting on your couch watching TV. These things, these worries that most people have don't send me into a state of anxiety that I can't overcome. I let the thoughts flow through and pass, prioritizing the important ones and separating them from the unimportant, "what if" ones and only act on the "what if" ones if I think it is practical to do so, that something could be better to decrease my chances of a negative result but past what has been done or something I have no control over, I don't pay much attention to them. In the case of things that aren't inherently interesting to me, but that are beneficial to discuss for certain reasons, I discuss them because they are beneficial and thus interesting. Trying both grape jelly and strawberry jam made sense to me because I like trying new, potentially good flavors. I'm not sure which I tried first, but whatever came second interested me so I had a desire to try it. I like variety, I like food and I like flavors and it is in my nature to expand to new things when I become bored and want new experiences. Being dead to me is nothing, I don't fear any afterlife consequences for the same reason I don't fear prison consequences. I simply drift along life taking the steps I can to make myself happy and to avoid the consequences of doing certain things that make me happy. I am not bored of how I see life because I always see a new adventure and I always see the best in what I have and could have.
When I talk of a mask, what I am talking about is how I behave to fit in, to keep a good image. Portraying that image of a caring, genuine person that people like doesn't give me pleasure in and of itself and behind what I am doing, I am sometimes thinking of how I would kill someone while smiling in their face and asking how their day was. I don't care how their day was, I am normally asking because they asked me first and I am being cordial because even if they are not useful at the time, they may be somewhere down the road if I want a favor. I establish friendships at work and attend social gatherings just so I don't seem like the creepy loner, but spending time with them simply for the sake of talking and "bonding" holds no genuine interest for me. I simply pretend it does, unless it's something I'm interested in and then I like talking to hear different views and express my own. I still don't care what they think on a level where I'll get offended, but I do find them interesting to a certain extent.