Sociopath Community

by Stayonhere

I don't know anything other than the chaos is very difficult to be around. I have enough chaos in my own head. Then to have someone else? It is hard to be strong for a BPD when you feel like it is never enough, and that they don't appreciate it. 

 

I have someone that I love dearly and nothing I do is right. EVER.

Obviously he is BPD for a reason...

You take stabs at people and you truly believe that it is friendly. I mean you are totally obviously to how you undermine the worth of an individual. If you are going to treat people llike pieces of shit, then at least be aware of what you are doing you absolute ditz.

Hey what can I say... I've met so many people in my life, I can smell them a mile away. You use and abuse men... it's how you've always been. Let me know how it works out for you now that the crows feet are setting in.

No doubt you'll be buying male prostitutes...

Well, I have a story for you then. Be sure to listen very closely.

When I was younger and lived with my father. I think we lived in an apartment or something. I can't remember much from it. I also lived with my grandfather too. That's because my grandfather and father were consistently fighting over custody of me until I was about fourteen.

Then I decided too move in with my father permanently. About two years later I decided to move in with my grandfather permanently. Moving back, when I was with my father and he got married it was good for a while. I started adapting to a family, there was dysfunction, but nothing too serious. One day my father and step mother got into a really big argument. It scared the entire family and eventually the cops were called.

The only thing I remember was finally finding a place to call home with people I love, slowly fading away and dissolving as I drove away in a cop car with my father. Eventually we moved back into apartments. I stayed there the longest. It was probably the most emotionally draining experience. He would usually date lots of women from what I recall. I would get attached to them, then out of no where they were gone.

I'm not sure what to make of it to be honest. Moving forward a bit when I moved in with my grandfather was good. Until my father moved in. Then it was hell all over again. Then I fought him and he moved out. After that period was the happiest two weeks of my entire life. Then my uncles side of the family moved in. Now it's depressing again. Mixed with slight moments of happiness when there not here. Mixed with anger when I wish they'd all be quiet.

Moving on that's why I love music so much and producing it. I can take any emotion i'm feeling and redirect it to something else. It actually started becoming a major point in my life to escape and also create a future for myself. Now that theres more family here though, the only thing I'm worried about is becoming successful before my grandfather passes away and trying to regain sense of the entirety of my life, with my current situation. That way I can take hold of my current situation and do something more than this family has ever accomplished as a whole. I know I can do it. It would just be easier if I had a little more understanding of myself mentally.

Well, this post had nothing to do with me but, I hired an escort three nights ago. It was actually pretty funny. Still though, I don't know how much of this relates to BPD.

The thought of paying an escort repulses me.

I am simply not that desperate for human contact and I have gone a very long time since my last relationship. My last relationship absolutely destroyed me...

If you are in a relationship with a woman and seeking escorts on the side, seriously ask yourself what type of poison that woman is injecting into your life and remove yourself, or commit and patch things up. Preferably, remove yourself from the situation.

Also, seek quality relationships in your community, at work or whatever. If necessary, when the next snow storm hits, knock on your neighbors door and ask for cooking ingredients, just to break the ice with them...

If it helps, do you think it is initeresting that when you are speaking of yourself, that you are discussing situational things, as if you are aware that your situations are what influence your issues the most? Well... most people would rant off about themselves and how they feel and how it effects them, and what they want. Your head is wide open and you have little to no defense systems. So you had better get into the habit of studying human behavior, and stop reacting to people, and step outside of your environment and watch it go by in slow motion. Pay attention to exactly how your environment is effecting you so powerfully and stand up for yourself.

 Here is another interesting thing about your speech that you should be aware of...

You found a place where there are "people you love".

You may want to wake up and understand most people probably would have said, "where people love me".

Food for thought... yes... this is real analysis...

My immediate instincts tell me that you have more issues with NPD than BPD...

I know, I know there is confusion regarding egomania and npd, but you seem to give yourself fully to others, and when others do not feed back into your emotional loop, you are left entirely empty. You exist by giving to others. I am only guessing... I haven't read all your stuff yet...

So... when there is nobody to give to, you bottom out and you have no idea who you are as person. You are a bit of leech...

You are probably crying for attention so people can give you some that will fill your emotional void. However, you've probably reached for the first available serious personality disorder you can think of and imagined yourself in that role for pities sake.

I highly suggest you check out the NPD criteria and go from there...

I am only guessing... I am not a doctor...

Well, I'm twenty years old and I've never had a real relationship with the opposite sex. I'm not really interested in doing so. I just wanted an escort so I could lose my virginity. I was so close too, but I was too nervous. Maybe next time.

Moving on, I did conclude that I had NPD in my first thread earlier. I also want to conclude I'm normal as well. Then I say I'm normal. Then I say I have some sort of disorder. Is it possible that there's nothing wrong? I feel like trying to figure out if I'm sane or not is driving me insane sometimes.

Back to NPD, I think it's a possibility, but I don't like that possibility. It seems like theres no real way to change yourself if you have something like that. I'm not sure if there's something needs to be changed though.

Quick, I need the off switch...

I can't seem to find it though. This path is never ending, yet I've never moved a space from where I am. This trail goes in circles, but I'm looking straight ahead. There must be a door somewhere around here. It seems to have been misplaced. Do you know where it is?

um... not sure if there is anything that can be done about bpd either. As far as I can tell, psychotherapy is all about awareness and personal discovery. So... maybe you don't like yourself? Whatever... just be aware of what is happening and learn more about yourself. That's all there is, fairly sure... unless you want to go to a doctor and get hopped up on some type of drug for some other issue you make up...

I know but, you could easily squeeze out more sympathy from people saying you were emotionally unstable. Aside from that my grandfather also keeps saying that I'm normal. I keep trying to talk to my current family about these things and it's always the same. Something about me being perfectly normal and that I should pray to god. I pray they would all die in there sleep to be honest. That's just rude though, god bless them.

The real issue though is that I wish I could stop feeling these feelings of self pity. That's what my grandfather says it is, just self pity. I feel feelings of worthless, but in there eyes, I'm supposed to be great. It seems like the entire life I spent trying to build up into something good and happy is slowly falling apart. Everyday it just keeps getting worse and worse and no matter how hard I try to piece it together, it just crumbles.

There's nothing to fear anymore though, I found the off switch.

"I thought it was a great show and even went to watch the original movie it was based off, which was Psycho (I need to watch the other movies now lol)"
...you hadn't seen Psycho!? How much Hitchcock had you seen? How do people like that exist without having sworn away television/movies at a young age, if not from a family that did so for them?

"To me it seams like DID is just a more serious version of BPD."
It's a bit more complicated than that...

by 3xpRess94

I know but, you could easily squeeze out more sympathy from people saying you were emotionally unstable. Aside from that my grandfather also keeps saying that I'm normal. I keep trying to talk to my current family about these things and it's always the same. Something about me being perfectly normal and that I should pray to god. I pray they would all die in there sleep to be honest. That's just rude though, god bless them.

The real issue though is that I wish I could stop feeling these feelings of self pity. That's what my grandfather says it is, just self pity. I feel feelings of worthless, but in there eyes, I'm supposed to be great. It seems like the entire life I spent trying to build up into something good and happy is slowly falling apart. Everyday it just keeps getting worse and worse and no matter how hard I try to piece it together, it just crumbles.

Scientifically we tend to focus on the negative memories moreso than the positive. Something about negative experiences ingraining or writing themselves deeper into our neural networks than positive ones. This effects everyone. Traumatized people and normal people. Try some easy memory exercises, and spend a few minutes whenever you remember, trying to recall positive and happy things that have happened. Alcohol and marijuana can really fuck with your short term memory making that even more difficult to do, but good memories will come back to you and with exercise they will strengthen themselves in your consciousness.

You are 20 years old. There are always going to be ups and downs. There is no constant upward motion. EVERYONE HITS THE WALL every now and then.

Think of it this way. This is your life. Your only life EVER. You will never have another one, so with the years remaining in your life make the best of it. Be selfish and find love and happiness within yourself. Do stuff for you. Other people are great but they do not need to be a part of everything you do. Try building something, or take on a personal art project that will make you feel better about your skills. Maybe take apart a computer or car engine and put it back together again. That way, you can learn skills, and even put them to use helping others down the road for happiness or money.