I have seen alot of "diagnose me" style threads around here, and i thought i would make one myself.
So let's start from childhood. My narc mom (who i have gone no contact with forever) alternated between beating the crap out of me and calling me all kinds of names and loving me and adoring the shit out of me. The beatings would be over simple stuff like not picking my clothes from around the room, and the adoration would be me impress people with my ability to read and do complex calculations at a young age, memorizing a huge amount of numbers gaven randomly etc. I was praised by the neighbors and everybody who met me as a gifted, special, and awesome child, and i would enjoy making huge displays of intelligence and knowledge. I learned to read and write at the age of 4, and i have fell in love with learning and figuring things out, i was extremely curious and logical since then.
So the beatings and the huge amounts of admiration continued, until in 4th grade all the admiration supply got cut off, when i developed depression because of the bullying that happened until the sixth grade. I developed a huge amount of anxiety and depression because of that. Then in 6th grade, i moved to Romania with my narc mom after dad's break up.
Things started to get real ASPD there, as i developed an extremely combative and cut-throat attitude, i became the neighbor bully, beating up everyone who dared to go against me, small or big, weak or strong, i remember completely losing my fear senses and just wanting to prove myself. I eventually got estabilished as some kind of alpha male in the neighboorhood, and i remember having extreme success with girls.
Then i started really getting into computers, and went Asperger mode, picked up programming, became obsessed about Linux and computers in general, and sucked up information until i hit the age of 14. I realized that i have been away for too long from people.
I started going out more often, learning to fit in, how to make myself very likable to people, social dynamics and power interplays, basically everything that exists in an inter-change between people. I have noticed that girls find me much more confident than other guys, and i have been described as being a "prick" "asshole" "cocky little shit" by many girls, which i eventually learned to ignore, since they didn't really affect my relations with them.
I feel an intense rage building inside me when somebody ever says something slightly devaluing about me, and I always want people to do exactly what i want, i wish others to admire me, and see me as the best thing that ever happened to their lives, etc etc all that juicy Narc stuff. I can feel empathy but i feel like it strays me away from my goal, so i just turn it off and go on to my job. I find it hilarious when others get hurt or insulted, and i find it disgusting and pathetic when somebody else puts themselves down or throws pity parties.
Nowadays i am content with getting laid once a week, i got some puppets online that i play with, some real life puppetsi make my own money from my programming job.
The only thing that surprises me is my introversion, i really enjoy being alone and i dislike the company of others, but i pretend that it's not if my companion is useful to me. I go out only to have my needs met then i come back to my nerdy stuff.
I can say that i have it good but i still have this deep, powerful rage inside me, that doesn't end, not depression, not sadness, but deep rage, that i learned to live with.
So, let's hear the diagnosis.