Howdy, folks. First post.
I'll do my best not to bore you with unnecessary details. Long story short, I'm a relatively normal (everything's relative, right?), highly successful adult male, diagnosed sociopath. There's no need to go into details about my childhood or life; suffice it to say they have been typical. I'm also an alcoholic, sober three months now.
Unfortunately, I decided I had to give up drinking because it was causing all manner of unpleasantness and complication in my life, and was damaging my long-term health. Like many alcoholics, sociopathic or otherwise, I decided to go to Alcoholics Anonymous a few days after I stopped drinking. I have unusually poor impulse control in most areas of life, and felt (still feel) a strong compulsion to drink or get high, so I felt talking to others might strengthen my resolve not to do these things. It has, to some extent. However, the specifics of the AA program present special difficulties for the sociopath. I have a sponsor (a sort of teacher/mentor to guide one through the 12 steps) and we have begun working on step four, which consists of creating a document called a moral inventory. That sounds higher minded than it is: a moral inventory is really just a catalogue of fears and resentments, intended to be analyzed in order to find patterns that lead to excessive drinking. For example, one entry might read something like this: "I am angry at Mr. Jones because his work performance is better than mine, and he might get a promotion I want for myself. This threatens my financial security, my self esteem etc." Alcoholics Anonymous teaches that our festering fears and resentments are the root cause of our drinking.
My sponsor and I have been beating our heads against the wall and against each other trying to get through this step. How does one list one's fears if one is never afraid? My list is comic, almost: it includes things like "I'm afraid the steering in my Jeep will go out before I have a chance to sell it," or "I'm afraid my tobacco use will cause lung cancer." I don't experience fear, or at least I experience it less than others do. I rarely think about fears, and they certainly haven't contributed to my alcoholism. I have to rack my brain for things I "fear" and all I come up with is a list of things I'd rather not happen because they would cause major hassles or inconvenience. Resentments are even tougher. I've never born a grudge against anyone; it would never occur to me to do so as no one has ever, or could ever hurt my feelings. When people become angry with me, I don't respond with anger but usually lose interest in them- after all, people who are angry are unlikely to be useful to me or enjoyable to be around. People with whom I have had disagreements are quickly and completely forgotten. Occasionally in my life, I have been surprised to learn that people have been very angry with me for a long time because of some minor incident or remark that I didn't even notice or recall. I simply do not get angry: I get irritated and bored and move on.
I do feel that AA is helping me, and have been told ad nauseam that sitting in meetings isn't enough, that one has to work the steps in order to have the best chance of staying sober. However, I feel that I am being asked to analyze and classify emotions that simply don't have any place in my mind. Jealousy? Please. When I want something, I take it or purchase its equivalent, or (rarely) destroy it so no one else can have it If it cannot be shared. Insecurity? Don't make me laugh. I'm secure in every way, and if I weren't I would earn or perhaps steal until I was. No big deal. I'm not motivated by such emotions, and I don't really understand what is even meant by such terms. My sponsor insists my drinking is caused by fears and insecurities and resentments, which simply isn't the case. I drank because I was bored, because it was pleasurable, because drinking provides a steady stream of casual sex partners (of either gender) and because I have too much time and money money. Mostly, though, because I was bored.
in any case, I'll cut off the stream of verbal diarrhea now because it could last forever. I would really like to hear from sociopaths who have suffered from addiction or have specific experience with AA. I don't doubt that I want to stay sober, but I am beginning to doubt this program has much value for persons like ourselves. My apologies for the poor writing, as I'm not bothering to revise.
Choakumchild