by prod

 You addressed something that I'm curious about. You said you used to fear losing control. At the moment that's my biggest concern. I'm not a violent person in general but i have my dark thoughts(they are quite frequent) and I'm kinda afraid that if the day where I don't have anything else to lose comes I might end up doing something really really bad. How did you overcome that fear of just losing it?

I wasn't afraid of losing control. I felt like I was already losing it.

I have attempted murder in the past due to loss of control and I know that I will do it again if I find myself in similar circumstances. My lack of impulse control at times is a concern to me, which is part of the reason I went into therapy. I also needed to find an alternative release to my homicidal urges that won't put me in prison one day.

It's not that I don't want to kill people, I just don't want to kill them impulsively, especially in a situation where I could easily get caught.