Sadomasochism. I'm more of a sadist than the other. I got carried away and ended up scarring "PAIN" on my left forearm.
Fire and blood play, I enjoy scarification and knives, hard scratches.
I like being submissive once in a while. Rough wrestling, neck grabbing, pinning down.
Public situations increase the danger. Assault and rape fantasies.
*Sigh Some of these can be dangerous...I'm still a minor =(
I'm Bi/pan/sexual, whatever.
The fantasies tend to crop up either after a fun session or when there's been too much time since one. The fantasies tend to include the things I like ramped up to higher escalations, so I'll just list the things I like to give an idea in no particular order:
o Continuing to feel increasing levels of pain once already harmed enough to go into a passive head space. Pain is fun before the passive head space, but I still have reflexes that are counter-productive during those times that I have to consciously try to hold back. When passive I can just feel it, and during such times I lack the means of egging her on further (at least with as much voice).
o Being tied down with knots that loosen when calm and tighten when struggling, knowing that if I want to get out of the binds I'll have to have that much self control. It makes it that much more of a game where her end of things is about not letting me become too comfortable. If I'm able to escape the binds it usually leads to me jumping her, followed by rug burn marks on my knees when that side of me is sated.
o Being ridden or sucked while tied down, not being allowed or able to finish while she orgasms one after another. Sex to me is more pleasurable than the orgasm itself, and the build up without an immediate finish makes it that much more explosive.
o Soft whispered Russian from someone who learned American English and Russian bilingually (experienced it once, can't drop the memory of how strangely hot it was).
o Being overcome through struggle as opposed to having to "give up" to be "nice". When I am stuck "playing along", it's no longer fun.
o The expression of both excitement and lust on the sadist dom's face when I squirm in pain followed by her effort increasing from it. It creates a feedback loop that is... that is just awesome.
o A variety of tools and toys being used creatively in tandem (crop, whip, candle wax, rope, ice, tools that can cut (if the person can be trusted and they're sterilized), blindfold, ballgag, chairs, etc).
o Biting/clawing while fucking. Not a light bite or simple cat scratch fever, I mean a clinging bite into the shoulder and clawings that cause bleeding and leave scars.
o Anticipation-themed teasing. Acting like she's about to strike me but stopping right before making contact to laugh at how much I'm bracing for impact. It's so excruciatingly sexy to have expectation be thrown for a loop, only to be followed by what I thought would be a feint instead be a real one, my body not as braced for impact as it'd have been otherwise.
o Black lipstick. I normally hate lipstick, but something about it being in black makes the marks they leave and the way it shapes the face sexy as hell.
o Stereotypical, but I really like leather, latex, and oils that make things shiny. Something about it is hotter than a dry look and I really don't fully grasp why.
o Embarrassment in some forms is a minor kink that adds spice to whatever is happening.
o Hair pulling/collar tugging to forcefully guide where I ought to go along with a confidence that doesn't have her asking herself if she ought to or not, a clear conviction, comfort, and power with a sense of control behind it.
o Being insulted. It challenges me and makes the pain that follows it more vibrant. It also makes for better pet names than things like "pookie" or "sweetie" (although said sarcastically enough can make it an insult in it's own right). My bratty attitude in the bedroom has recently lead to being referred to as a "Princess", which has instead lead to laughter instead of anything serious. 
o Being pressed into the bed forcefully and held down at the shoulders or chest while being ridden.
o The inner-head game that can crop at points, the urge to say the safe word out of fear but fight past it. I'm happy to say I've yet to be reduced to having to say "kumquat", and that's with her trying to bring me to that point. She keeps getting stronger with time, so I'm sure at some point she'll get me to say it, but it hasn't happened yet~
o Patience. It's fucking sexy to be tied down or otherwise restrained and just looked at, studied, instead of just pure action. It adds more to each strike, as sheer repetition can eventually be numbed through.
o Having the sex spawn spontaneously as opposed to having to be "planned". Planned sex is far, far blander than in the moment passion.
o Being blinded. As much as I find what I see as something sexy, knowing I am that vulnerable has fear make the experience that much better. It's even hotter when the blindness is from being forced into squinting too hard from the pain and struggle.
o Seeing myself as it happens in a mirror. It's one thing to just feel the pain and see what she's doing, it's another to see how I am responding it as opposed to just imagining how I must look. I swear I'll never get used to seeing myself like that.
o Exhibitionism. Sadly who I am with now is too embarrassed for that sort of thing, but I've been easing her into it through temptation. Her buttons are amazing for how I operate.
o Being slammed against a wall before making out. The sheer expression of power is intoxicating (and usually the result of retaliation after enough pushing, I tease relentlessly).
o Being slapped as a form of flirting. It can push me into strong animalistic desire when that's the intent. I enjoy flirting in the form of hair tugs, arm punches, indian sunburns, being kicked in the shins underneath the table at a restaurant, things of that nature, but a slap is a pleasantly jarring variant of that.
o Being branded. It hasn't happened yet, but I want it to at some point in the future.
o Trust. I have issues in that department, so being in situations where I have no choice but to trust someone is both fear inducing and a turn on. A lack of trust while those things go on makes my joys suddenly feel closer to weaknesses, which instead makes it into something I have to fight through instead of enjoy.
There's a lot of others bits, these are just ones off the top of my head. I'm sure it paints enough of a picture.
Edit: Two More:
o Face Sitting. Cunnilingus is fun and all, but being on bottom during it grants her the power to even control how much I can breathe. Not really into auto-erotic asphyxiation, it's more of a power thing.
o Having my hair pulled to force my face deeper into her crotch when she's about to orgasm from my tonguing her clit during more traditionally positioned oral. The intensity of forcing me further makes the power I once had down there switch hands.
Some of them I would say are enjoyable. Like the whispering in Russian, unplanned sex and slamming her against the wall. Someone tried to get me into that at one point, she would claw my back and I would just get irritated, usually giving her a crazy look and shouting "the fuck was that for". Pain doesn't incorporate itself into sex with me, more so comfort and relaxation.
Ever go far enough during sex to need medical attention?
What is it about pain and humiliation that you find arousing? Have you ever worked through why it gives you such a rush? Is it the physical or are you playing mind games in the midst of it all?
What do you by "being overcome through struggle rather than " giving" it up" ?
Are you submissive in stance? Something that comes easy and is a part of you or is it more of a freeing thing where she is bringing it out through being challenged in such domineering ways?
Do you get off on seeing yourself or that she is using you, that you're giving her pleasure in a way?
You're interesting turncoat.
by TurncoatThe fantasies tend to crop up either after a fun session or when there's been too much time since one. The fantasies tend to include the things I like ramped up to higher escalations, so I'll just list the things I like to give an idea in no particular order:
o Continuing to feel increasing levels of pain once already harmed enough to go into a passive head space. Pain is fun before the passive head space, but I still have reflexes that are counter-productive during those times that I have to consciously try to hold back. When passive I can just feel it, and during such times I lack the means of egging her on further (at least with as much voice).
o Being tied down with knots that loosen when calm and tighten when struggling, knowing that if I want to get out of the binds I'll have to have that much self control. It makes it that much more of a game where her end of things is about not letting me become too comfortable. If I'm able to escape the binds it usually leads to me jumping her, followed by rug burn marks on my knees when that side of me is sated.
o Being ridden or sucked while tied down, not being allowed or able to finish while she orgasms one after another. Sex to me is more pleasurable than the orgasm itself, and the build up without an immediate finish makes it that much more explosive.
o Soft whispered Russian from someone who learned American English and Russian bilingually (experienced it once, can't drop the memory of how strangely hot it was).
o Being overcome through struggle as opposed to having to "give up" to be "nice". When I am stuck "playing along", it's no longer fun.
o The expression of both excitement and lust on the sadist dom's face when I squirm in pain followed by her effort increasing from it. It creates a feedback loop that is... that is just awesome.
o A variety of tools and toys being used creatively in tandem (crop, whip, candle wax, rope, ice, tools that can cut (if the person can be trusted and they're sterilized), blindfold, ballgag, chairs, etc).
o Biting/clawing while fucking. Not a light bite or simple cat scratch fever, I mean a clinging bite into the shoulder and clawings that cause bleeding and leave scars.
o Anticipation-themed teasing. Acting like she's about to strike me but stopping right before making contact to laugh at how much I'm bracing for impact. It's so excruciatingly sexy to have expectation be thrown for a loop, only to be followed by what I thought would be a feint instead be a real one, my body not as braced for impact as it'd have been otherwise.
o Black lipstick. I normally hate lipstick, but something about it being in black makes the marks they leave and the way it shapes the face sexy as hell.
o Stereotypical, but I really like leather, latex, and oils that make things shiny. Something about it is hotter than a dry look and I really don't fully grasp why.
o Embarrassment in some forms is a minor kink that adds spice to whatever is happening.
o Hair pulling/collar tugging to forcefully guide where I ought to go along with a confidence that doesn't have her asking herself if she ought to or not, a clear conviction, comfort, and power with a sense of control behind it.
o Being insulted. It challenges me and makes the pain that follows it more vibrant. It also makes for better pet names than things like "pookie" or "sweetie" (although said sarcastically enough can make it an insult in it's own right). My bratty attitude in the bedroom has recently lead to being referred to as a "Princess", which has instead lead to laughter instead of anything serious.
o Being pressed into the bed forcefully and held down at the shoulders or chest while being ridden.
o The inner-head game that can crop at points, the urge to say the safe word out of fear but fight past it. I'm happy to say I've yet to be reduced to having to say "kumquat", and that's with her trying to bring me to that point. She keeps getting stronger with time, so I'm sure at some point she'll get me to say it, but it hasn't happened yet~
o Patience. It's fucking sexy to be tied down or otherwise restrained and just looked at, studied, instead of just pure action. It adds more to each strike, as sheer repetition can eventually be numbed through.
o Having the sex spawn spontaneously as opposed to having to be "planned". Planned sex is far, far blander than in the moment passion.
o Being blinded. As much as I find what I see as something sexy, knowing I am that vulnerable has fear make the experience that much better. It's even hotter when the blindness is from being forced into squinting too hard from the pain and struggle.
o Seeing myself as it happens in a mirror. It's one thing to just feel the pain and see what she's doing, it's another to see how I am responding it as opposed to just imagining how I must look. I swear I'll never get used to seeing myself like that.
o Exhibitionism. Sadly who I am with now is too embarrassed for that sort of thing, but I've been easing her into it through temptation. Her buttons are amazing for how I operate.
o Being slammed against a wall before making out. The sheer expression of power is intoxicating (and usually the result of retaliation after enough pushing, I tease relentlessly).
o Being slapped as a form of flirting. It can push me into strong animalistic desire when that's the intent. I enjoy flirting in the form of hair tugs, arm punches, indian sunburns, being kicked in the shins underneath the table at a restaurant, things of that nature, but a slap is a pleasantly jarring variant of that.
o Being branded. It hasn't happened yet, but I want it to at some point in the future.
o Trust. I have issues in that department, so being in situations where I have no choice but to trust someone is both fear inducing and a turn on. A lack of trust while those things go on makes my joys suddenly feel closer to weaknesses, which instead makes it into something I have to fight through instead of enjoy.
There's a lot of others bits, these are just ones off the top of my head. I'm sure it paints enough of a picture.
"Ever go far enough during sex to need medical attention?"
Just cleaning wounds with alcohol to prevent possible infection (which feels great), nothing that was worthy of a hospital trip. For each partner I've mentored, it's been stressed how much a hospital trip would not be desirable for the sake of things like expenses, and we bother with the research for how to keep things safe while pressing further and further into my pain threshold. For example, instead of using every day candles, I did my research and found Twisted Monk's Wax Play Candles to prevent burns. It still hurts amazingly and doesn't carry the risk of me becoming a permanent burn victim as a result.
I also have the limit of having spots that are "work visible" not be targeted. Means little to no play around places like the neck, but making do around that means no occupational hazards. The arm punches, wall slams, bites, and shin kicks just make for bruises while the clawings just make for lines, and thankfully I am a fast healer. It doesn't stop things like the collar of my shirt being stretched, clothing rips, or a sore limb I have to force movements through, but it's nothing serious.
ontherocks: "What is it about pain and humiliation that you find arousing? Have you ever worked through why it gives you such a rush? Is it the physical or are you playing mind games in the midst of it all?"
Fear can make things better when in controlled conditions. A roller coaster is fun for the fear it induces when mixed with fun and (enough) safety, which is the best comparison I can think of for it. Play in the range of humiliation forces me to have to roll with it, which in itself has me become less caring about what other people might think while getting the rush of knowing someone can see it happening. The look of "o_o" somehow adds to it.
Pain to me actually feels good. It's not some sort of mental association or mind over matter business, it's something weird about how I was born and what that developed into on it's own. I didn't start having fun with pain until I saw I liked it from a parkour injury.
ontherocks: "What do you by "being overcome through struggle rather than " giving" it up"?"
I prefer to be able to struggle and fight through a partner's expressions of strength than have to play some game of pretend, to have my defiance make her escalate to higher levels of strength as opposed to just giving up if I don't bend to her will immediately. I'm not one of those glassy eyed subs, I like to be overcome if not "gently" reminded who has the pants in the relationship, because if someone can't keep me ensnared, I'm likely to look elsewhere for someone who can.
ontherocks: "Are you submissive in stance? Something that comes easy and is a part of you or is it more of a freeing thing where she is bringing it out through being challenged in such domineering ways?"
A little bit of both? I have a socially domineering personality through constant snark, constant challenging of those around me, a practiced background of knowledge and devil's advocate, and refusing to bend to the will of another (unless necessary for long-term things), but if someone is able to overcome that, be inspired from that instead of just giving up? Their superior display of strength is intoxicating and worthy of respect. If it's consensual, that sense of respect is a wonderful turn on, while if it's not, that person still forces me to have to take things seriously as opposed to treat it like a joke.
Effectively, I act as I do to inspire others toward displays of strength, and act in such a way mixed with fairly obvious flirting when I'm into someone. I usually look for people who have destructive needs but have yet to find an outlet for it, as they are easy to guide into sadism. Who I'm with now is the first time that I barely had to do anything to have her be on the same page.
In effect, I want to be submissive, but often I have to set the stage for it. Having someone else who is in charge has me see them as an equal, since I then can just advise things as opposed to guiding or leading. It also feels nice to be wanted in that sense as opposed to wanted in a leadership sense, as leading is a lot of pressure. I hate the idea of knowing a mistake someone made was my fault, as then it feels like the mistake was my own.
ontherocks: "Do you get off on seeing yourself or that she is using you, that you're giving her pleasure in a way?"
Both.
Seeing myself reduced to something lesser, and seeing how relaxed it makes me look, reaffirms how much fun I am having. Also being able to see how she's going about treating me through a mirror makes it seem like a third person view, which offers an alternate perspective of her brutality I might otherwise miss. I also am a bit of a control freak, but such need for control can be stressful, so having the control out of my hands in a way I can trust is extremely relaxing.
Seeing that she's enjoying using me if anything reaffirms that I won't have to worry about aftercare, as usually if they require it there's a sense of restraint in their joy, a questioning sobering wave that sometimes distracts from the fun. Some people after a session of fun need to be coddled out of it, fearing that they enjoy that sort of thing, fearing the day they might lose control, questioning what sort of person could do such a thing and get sexual gratification from it. Seeing either in the mirror or through my own eyes that the joy is purely hedonistic means I don't have to worry about maintenance afterwards.
It's even worse if it's being done for me. I prefer a partner that does those sorts of things to me for their own benefit, not mine. Having it be purely for me is extremely disappointing.
When you experience pain, get cut or whipped does it give you an erection or is it more like sucking in the air, slow breathing ecstasy type of enjoyment? You seem to me, to be a bit of an eroticist. Pretty sexy.
Are the pants only worn for sex and play time or you carry these roles outside of it? How do you figure out if someone you're interested in has destructive needs? Are you scoping them out as soon as they catch your eye or you build friendships. I read you like using influence ;p. Would you say you're a bit of a button pusher? I can see why "princess" would get used. I get the feeling your button pushing is mischievous testing. ;p
Why does being reduced turn you on though? Don't you find some of it degrading? How do you get over the dirty feelings or fight through your self esteem talking in the background? Not having to be in control is relaxing for you? What a little stress ball you are.
What does aftercare look like? Just reassurance? What if it happened outside of play, would it turn you on or you like to save it and only do it in restrained planned out moments. Like if she yelled at you in public and humiliated you, you'd tolerate that?
by Turncoat
ontherocks: "What is it about pain and humiliation that you find arousing? Have you ever worked through why it gives you such a rush? Is it the physical or are you playing mind games in the midst of it all?"
Fear can make things better when in controlled conditions. A roller coaster is fun for the fear it induces when mixed with fun and (enough) safety, which is the best comparison I can think of for it. Play in the range of humiliation forces me to have to roll with it, which in itself has me become less caring about what other people might think while getting the rush of knowing someone can see it happening. The look of "o_o" somehow adds to it.
Pain to me actually feels good. It's not some sort of mental association or mind over matter business, it's something weird about how I was born and what that developed into on it's own. I didn't start having fun with pain until I saw I liked it from a parkour injury.
ontherocks: "What do you by "being overcome through struggle rather than " giving" it up"?"
I prefer to be able to struggle and fight through a partner's expressions of strength than have to play some game of pretend, to have my defiance make her escalate to higher levels of strength as opposed to just giving up if I don't bend to her will immediately. I'm not one of those glassy eyed subs, I like to be overcome if not "gently" reminded who has the pants in the relationship, because if someone can't keep me ensnared, I'm likely to look elsewhere for someone who can.
ontherocks: "Are you submissive in stance? Something that comes easy and is a part of you or is it more of a freeing thing where she is bringing it out through being challenged in such domineering ways?"
A little bit of both? I have a socially domineering personality through constant snark, constant challenging of those around me, a practiced background of knowledge and devil's advocate, and refusing to bend to the will of another (unless necessary for long-term things), but if someone is able to overcome that, be inspired from that instead of just giving up? Their superior display of strength is intoxicating and worthy of respect. If it's consensual, that sense of respect is a wonderful turn on, while if it's not, that person still forces me to have to take things seriously as opposed to treat it like a joke.
Effectively, I act as I do to inspire others toward displays of strength, and act in such a way mixed with fairly obvious flirting when I'm into someone. I usually look for people who have destructive needs but have yet to find an outlet for it, as they are easy to guide into sadism. Who I'm with now is the first time that I barely had to do anything to have her be on the same page.
In effect, I want to be submissive, but often I have to set the stage for it. Having someone else who is in charge has me see them as an equal, since I then can just advise things as opposed to guiding or leading. It also feels nice to be wanted in that sense as opposed to wanted in a leadership sense, as leading is a lot of pressure. I hate the idea of knowing a mistake someone made was my fault, as then it feels like the mistake was my own.
ontherocks: "Do you get off on seeing yourself or that she is using you, that you're giving her pleasure in a way?"
Both.
Seeing myself reduced to something lesser, and seeing how relaxed it makes me look, reaffirms how much fun I am having. Also being able to see how she's going about treating me through a mirror makes it seem like a third person view, which offers an alternate perspective of her brutality I might otherwise miss. I also am a bit of a control freak, but such need for control can be stressful, so having the control out of my hands in a way I can trust is extremely relaxing.
Seeing that she's enjoying using me if anything reaffirms that I won't have to worry about aftercare, as usually if they require it there's a sense of restraint in their joy, a questioning sobering wave that sometimes distracts from the fun. Some people after a session of fun need to be coddled out of it, fearing that they enjoy that sort of thing, fearing the day they might lose control, questioning what sort of person could do such a thing and get sexual gratification from it. Seeing either in the mirror or through my own eyes that the joy is purely hedonistic means I don't have to worry about maintenance afterwards.
It's even worse if it's being done for me. I prefer a partner that does those sorts of things to me for their own benefit, not mine. Having it be purely for me is extremely disappointing.
To be kidnapped, customized and enslaved by a worthy Master.
I'm a natural submissive, but my non-sexual personality is such that not just anyone will do. Out of the bedroom, I am in command at almost all times, I naturally fall into the position of 'the alpha' in most groups and I don't trust most people to keep themselves alive without incident, let alone have any sway over me. Most "Masters" I have seen are laughable. They're simple sadists who equate pain with power, having no other Dominant qualities whatsoever. They would not be able to handle me, or rather, they might end up accidentally killing me while trying to silence my insolence with pain/injury. I am not a "bratty" sub or a "top-sub"- I simply can't, or likely just won't, submit to an inferior Dom. If I cannot respect him, I cannot submit to him. He is not worthy of it (I would submit to an unworthy dom, if a -true- Dom ordered me to do so, however).
Therefore, I would need someone strong enough mentally, emotionally and physically to dominate me. I have a low opinion of most of my fellow man, so anyone who dared to be my Master would need to be exceptional. Intelligent, strong, masculine, honorable (for the most part), in control of himself, basically, that smooth motherfucker in a suit holding a leash that everyone imagines when they think of a Sociopath. Only, he need not be a sociopath (in fact, I would prefer not. I prefer my lovers to adore me over all and I know from first hand experience a Sociopath adores himself first and others second or not at all.).
I am not particularly tied to my current life as it is, so if I were to meet the right Master, he would obviously put me through a training regimen, or a diet, or some sort of course to learn to be what he wishes. If he would want someone thinner, with less muscle, then I would expect lots of swimming and a diet, and to drop my weight training regimen.
For the right man, I wouldn't just be willing to go along, I would revel in impressing him. I want a man who has the stones to set rules, and punish me for breaking them, reward me for exceeding his expectations, but one who wants more than a plaything in the bedroom.
I am not opposed to sitting on my hands and knees as his footrest, or hold a flashlight in my teeth so that he may read. If he gets home from work, it is my job to judge his mood: To bring him a drink, to undress him for a shower and bathe him so that he may relax, or if he had a bad day, I would bring him the paddle and assume a receptive position for his stress relief - without being asked.
Unfortunately, though there are many men who probably think they would appreciate such a submissive, most aren't worthy and most of the rest couldn't handle it. The level of submission I am talking about is actually intimidating for some (I found this out the hard way once and ended up consoling an idiot who broke down crying something about his daddy and being invalidated. -.- That was the last time I took a Dom's word at face value.)... The most frustrating part is that those few Doms I have seen who might be worthy were only interested in women. sigh
Oh well. I still have masturbation.