How much the author and the OP line up with what my life has been like is the most eerie thing I've ever experienced. I can feel things as the OP stated, but I can also choose when and what to feel. I can be having a completely "awful" day and be completely frustrated. The moment I consciously and linguistically describe my state of mind, I can simply stop being frustrated and go on about my day as "happy" as I can be.
I once had a stomach ache that lasted for days (The more I tried to linguistically describe it, the more I started to think it was hallucinated.). The last day, I was in the middle of math class. I decided I didn't want to feel sick anymore. I'd had enough. I cracked a grin, obtained an almost destructive amount of confidence, and felt amazing the rest of the day.
I can be "empathic" in the sense that I understand others' feelings, and possibly feel them, close to what they do. But I can choose whether to care. Sometimes I like other people. But sometimes, I couldn't care less if all of them died. Almost like a complex, broken biological system, like an infected or compromised part of the body, I feel the need to destroy that which is broken. I get this feeling of being unnatural, like my body is trying to attack my consciousness with death-filled thoughts. But, out of spite, I react with the motivation to live. I will live as long as I can, out of hatred for that piece of me that wants me dead.
I think along rationalization, and disregard moral indoctrination. I do things because I find a linguistically intrinsic motivation to do things, not because I think they are right. I see that as a gift of clarity and sincerity, not evil.
The idea of others having control over me disgusts me on a fundamental level, and I have an absurd obsession with power. But it's not blatant, outright power I seek. It's ultimate power, I seek. One that is invisible to all others. I've found this in a certain branch of solipsism, which includes a basis of power equating to responsibility. This came from my study into teachings by people like Robert Anton Wilson, Alfred Korzybski, and Aleister Crowley. This research gave me a method of describing my condition as a person: Language and Semantics. This gives me an in-depth understanding of peoples' feelings, even if I don't find it in me to feel them myself.
I was tortured in school by the people around me because of my awkward tendencies and impulsive personality. But I was never hurt by it. I could find a way to treat those who hurt me with respect, even though, sometimes, I wanted to kill them in blood-lusted hatred. People have always considered me nice, because I appeared to be someone who didn't judge, in that I would not discriminate in who I talked to. But I did judge, to survive. I noticed that people avoided other people, but I didn't understand why, so I didn't conform. I never understood that need to alienate, when ANYONE could be of use to me, in some way.
After going through that torture, I had a predisposition for indifference for people. I would have preferred that they be dead, as it would make my life easier. I was indifferent when it came to their existence. But this was countered by the rationalization of human significance by Robert Anton Wilson and Aleister Crowley. For awhile I could almost be considered a "moral" person. But now I've started rationalizing the animalistic human tendencies and conditions. Now I'm indifferent for the most part, but now I've got a knack for self-control that is unparalleled. I can show the utmost affection and love for someone, while mentally having the inclination to leave them to whatever weak, emotional predisposition that enslaves them.
I was recently faced with a relationship possibility. I played the nice guy, not being sexually forward in the slightest (Unlike most sociopaths, I have little to no motivation for sexual activity in any way. I may masturbate out of being predisposed to it and the small sense of pleasure I get from it, but it is meaningless. In gaining the self-control I have, I am able to feel excessive amounts of pleasure at any time out of pure will, without sexual activity). I consciously took the other's feelings into account (I did not feel them, I understood them) simply so that I could attempt to keep things going the way they were. I chose to care about the other's feelings, but if she had died one day, I'd have felt nothing. The only people I may choose to mourn over are close family members.
The longer all this goes on, the less and less I am inclined to care about the human condition itself. I'm more inclined now, to let people take responsibility for their own feelings and predisposed slavery. Unless, of course, it helps me in some way, or I see an intrinsic motivation to do something for another person.
I will be polite and successful only because it gets me closer to transcendence in some ways. But other than that, unless I find a motivation or way to bring other people up with me, I will live in total disconnect (or temporary connection) alone. And on this fact, I am indifferent. Am I home?