thats normal i find myself doing that, it's comforting, it helps make things not so dark when you are alone and can't help it. i call my alter ego "David"
"I'm afraid of going insane or losing myself to madness."
Yeah that's pretty much mine, alongside some nonsense issues that crop from time to time to remind me it's worth fearing.
"I don't know who this alter ego in my head is, but it terrifies me when it blindsides my morals with sharp, contradictory temptations."
I wouldn't give that "other self" much credence. Worrying about it just gives it more tangibility. It only stands to get worse if given room to grow, especially when you start naming it/them. Safer to just accept it's all you than try to schism it out.
"I don't fear physical pain. Its all temporary and will cease momentarily."
Have you ever had your limits tested?
"Have you ever had your limits tested?"
Yes. Multiple times thanks to the Marine Corps. Physically exhausted to muscle fatigue which eventually lead to limb failure. Days without food or sleep while having to combat a foot infection, but still expected to perform seemingly impossible, physical obstacles. Being forced to stand still in the heat of a South Carolina summer while a plethora of swamp insects ate me alive. They called that one "statues".
Thanks for the advice. Perhaps it's just my temptations.
Right, the Marine training. I don't doubt that you've had them tested.
Most testing I've done has been strictly recreational, controlled conditions where I knew at any time I could just walk away from it. You've gone further than I have. Possessing the luxury of an escape button dulls the experience.
"Have you ever had your limits tested?"
There are many forms of torture. The marines in a sense tortured you to see how far you can physically go and to test if you would mentally break. While preparing your body and mind for war.
There are other forms of torture much more sever, that are all about physical pain. Imagine what someone with no regard for human life, could do to you with just a pair of pliers. This takes it to a whole new level. I have seen a guy get 2 of his fingernails pulled out while trying to get information out of him. I was surprised he didn't spill it on the first. He gave up what was wanted after the second one. To sum it up. You haven't had all of your limits tested yet. Very few people in the world have. Including me.
Don't know what would be the most scary, but
I actually have had hallucinations where I would disappear 100% from all reality that sorrounded me and experience fully somebody doing something psycho to me, like cutting me up with knives, swords, saws and beating me with a bat.