Sociopath Community

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't deathly afraid of being retarded. I've had people/doctors  reassure me that I'm not, and sometimes I still struggle to believe them. In my first post I talked about being afraid no one will tell me because they don't want to be insensitive to someone they view as being as weird and pathetic as I believe normal people view me. 

On the other hand I've met people who have autism and asbergers, and I definitely look down at them as being  different from myself. They seem more disgusting and weird to me. I  don't doubt that I'm projecting more than a little  when it comes to my fears. 

And on yet another note while I seek to gain the approval of others I also loathe them. They annoy me, they're irrational and self centered for the most part. I may not always know how to react to things properly but at least I can understand the "why" of everyone else's behaviors. Why can't other people do that? It's like instead of disagreeing they just refuse to think any further than the first thought that pops into their mind. It makes it so hard to hold a good conversation with people :X

And so I'm forced to gain the approval of people I loathe because of I don't then I'm stuck  where I am with no upward mobility. I don't even really know what a natural reaction would be anymore, or if I'm even capable of anything natural beyond jerking my hand away from a hot burner because of my never ending quest to do the "right" thing that gets the responses I need/want from the dominant species of furless sheep all around me. 

by Paranoidilution

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't deathly afraid of being retarded. I've had people/doctors  reassure me that I'm not, and sometimes I still struggle to believe them.

What do you define as 'retarded'?

You seem very insecure to me. Were you mentally abused at some point?

I can't think of any other reason as to why you struggle to accept people/doctors telling you're not retarded.

I think understanding yourself is as simple as understanding how the world and the people around you will react to what you do and say and why they will react that way. 

I've had people tell me I was mentally/physically abused at the treatment center. That was the basis of the ptsd diagnosis. I can't deny that my behaviors are effected and I do have flashbacks and a deeply rooted hatred for condescending and loudly humiliating authority figures. I didn't realize it until the psychiatrist pointed it out to me though. 

You know,  it's funny,  I've never tried to define retarded. I guess the part of it that I fear the most is that it's obvious, gross, and there's no hiding it. Beyond that I guess I'd describe it as being generally stupid and not knowing it. 

Did you hate authority figures before you attended the treatment center or was it only afterwards that you hated them?

I had an easier time before I went. I was more humble and could take a public tongue lashing without plotting and sometimes carrying out dramatic revenge. I've found my revenge more often actually happens some i've been out. I did have a tendency to fantasize about getting even before I was sent away, but I rarely went to the lengths to get people fired/dumped/killed like I do now. 

"I don't think it's normal for the average teenager to think about suicide a lot at all. Thoughts of suicide aren't normal. They are a result of depression and I don't think most teenagers are that depressed."

I saw a lot of suicidal teenagers as I was growing up. Could be that those around me were just like that, but I figured it to be raging hormones meets power of suggestion during a confusing or stressful time in their lives. With how often suicide is discussed, it's no wonder why people might think about it. Then there's figuring how many kids are on pills these days... childhood's sort of a mess now.

The index of suicides and attempted suicides is greater now, right? The fact that society has some loopholes is fucked up. I don't see why a person with a clear goal in life would decide to take their own lives.

by Turncoat

I saw a lot of suicidal teenagers as I was growing up.

Where did you grow up... on the streets?

I saw hardly any suicidal teenagers when I was growing up, and I went to quite a few different schools. Most of the kids just seemed pretty normal (non-suicidal) as far as I could tell.

Not even a little bit. My life was middle class privileged in the US.

Suicide's a much more commonly thought of topic these days than it ought to be. You were my age like what, 20 years ago? That's two decades of changes in trends.