Sociopath Community

I think you misspelled delusion...

Beyond that, I don't think you're a sociopath... In fact I thing there is alot wrong with the diagnosis in general. That being said. You sound like an average teenager to me... I think most go through a similar nihilistic phase... I'm not ashamed to admit I thought about suicide alot at that age. And I think everyone is narcissistic to some degree.

You sound perfectly normal to me... You just need to find your purpose... something to do with your life that you find pride in... that's all anyone really needs... regardless of how fucked up we are...

I think it is important to stress that to me "bad" equates to "incorrect" or "non - functioning". I tend to be very relativistic when it comes to right and wrong because what is right to me is simply what achieves the desired outcome, and what is wrong is what fails to accomplish the original goal. 

I am no longer in the same position I was of feeling generally disliked, because I understand better now how to behave in a way that I am expected to. I get along really well with strangers and New acquaintances now.  I've learned a lot since I was a sad and lonely middle schooler. I occasionally find myself in the position of being disliked and feeling alienated from certain groups still, and I find that it is most often people who I live near/with. You're right, I do pretty well until I have to tell people no. I've gotten pretty used to just severing all ties with people after setting boundaries with them. 

"You just need to find your purpose"

I agree with this and also why do you have such low self esteem?

I don't think I was very clear. I'm in my mid twenties,  most of what i describe happened over ten years ago. I haven't been able to stop dwelling on it. Maybe that's why it sounds like I'm speaking present tense. The psychiatrist appointment was just last year,  the boarding school and destructive behavior was over ten years ago, the public job is current and i've held it for two years.  Sorry if I wasn't clear.

P. S.  My username is a phonetic play on words that refers to the mild paranoia I've regarded my whole life and conduct with. The question of the hour/my whole lifetime is "what's wrong with me and how wrong is it?"  I don't know if it is a delusion or not, and just thinking it might be a delusion could be a delusion in itself and the sensation /thought pattern of paranoia about my own dysfunction has been lightly sprinkled, or diluted, throughout my whole life since childhood.

I think it's kind of clever and funny, if I may toot my own horn for a moment.  

Oh,  and I want to add that I do have a purpose and general goal in life. I am fortunate enough to have a career that corresponds to my passion. 

If you want someone to tell you what's 'wrong' with you, a psychologist is a good investment.

I don't really know what else to tell you. You seem sad. If you're not sad, you should ask yourself why you're thinking about so many sad things.

I'm sorry,  but did you read my original post? I feel like you may have missed some information or maybe you don't understand what I'm trying to say. 

I don't do the psychobabble industry anymore because it's messed me up enough already. 

I'm not thinking sad things. I just don't always understand people and I was a sad kid before I started figuring  humans out. Sad would be "I'm alone and nobody likes me" which was me ten+ years ago.  Me now is  "woman in her mid twenties with a career, education, goals and personal interests  (kind of) who doesn't always understand people and views 'wrong' as 'non - functional' and wonders if past and present actions along with general disconnection from people and behavior of people reflects something other than narcissism " I'm not sad or depressed.  I stopped being sad when I stopped trying to get everyone to like me for my genuine reactions to things. I couldn't tell you what kind of person I am because that changes all the time and so I simply describe and assess myself based upon my actions /reactions /thoughts. 

But I can tell you that I'm not the type of person to trust someone who profits monetarily from me being messed up,  I.e. Psychologists /psychiatrists /shrinks /brain-f*s. 

It's possible I don't understand what you're trying to say.

This is why it seems like you are thinking about sad things - "most of what i describe happened over ten years ago. I haven't been able to stop dwelling on it." That, and the fact that you still describe yourself as 'messed up'.

If you don't 'do' the 'psychobabble industry' anymore it might help to stop framing concepts in terms of 'narcissism' or 'sociopathy' since those terms are mostly relevant to said industry.

I'm giving general advice because I'm not sure if you have a specific question you want answered or if you just want to talk.

Using the jargon doesn't mean I give them my money. Just like I can own and use a baseball bat and not be a baseball player. The are many uses for a baseball bat, there are many uses for psychobabble jargon.

It's pointless to be upset over things that can't be changed,  so I don't spend my time being sad about it,  I just seek to understand it, hence dwelling. 

I take it that your analysis then is that this sort of dwelling and disconnect from normal human behavior is typical of all humans? If I've misunderstood please elaborate.