Personally, I think the smell of body odor is worse than anything else on public transport and that seems to come from all shapes and sizes.
Is it ignorance when I'm seeking answers? No. It's not. The ignorant person is you. You are the one who failed to see that I was seeking help, obviously admitting I am uneducated on the subject and hoping to learn more.
However, you did supply some sufficient information, so thank you for that.
The more I'm reading the more I'm feeling convinced that I'm sociopathic, or at the least carry some sociopathic traits. I don't really care for calling myself "sociopathic" though, I'm only trying to learn more so I can have some inner peace here.
If at any time you're "srtuggling for inner peace" during this whole ordeal. just come to terms with your feelings of guilt. I've met people who I've talked about my personality with and they constantly envy me (I'm hard pressed to figure why, especially after divulging childhood memories, but whatever, lol) and say they are "mostly" the same way, but upon further research they find themselves FEELING differently, i.e. trying to be something they're not.
One way I learned what it is to be selfish and lack empathy; Bragging about the misfortunes you cause others to experience. I've cast so many of my more "evil" actions in such a positive light to people around me that I often find them trying to act the same way, or at least similarly, and then brag about it, which for some led to feelings of guilt that I could observe, the only problem that arises then is that people don't want to embrace their guilt, which just causes them to FEEL more off baseline.
All of this making sense?
Too an extent. The "inner peace" is more confusion than guilt or remorse. I haven't really expirienced any true "guilt" in my life. When I apologize, it's because I know it will restore the relationship to a functioning form again, allowing progression to be made. Not because I'm sorry for my actions.
What I'm confused about is this: I've been playing the role of someone who has lots of emotional conflict, but when I'm alone I realize that I feel none of this. This is such an easy role to play, and it reaps the benefits. People sympathize, are always there to support you, and want to "help" you. However, I can play this role so well that sometimes I almost forget it's an act, until I'm alone, feeling nothing.
Example: My girlfriend and I had encountered some problems that were caused by myself in maybe.. the 3rd month? I had quit smoking weed for about a month so I could be with her, but then went back to using. For a few weeks she was under the impression I had quit. When it was brought up, I had let the tears fall and just explained the whole "I didn't want to lose you, you're everything I've wanted".
WHILE I was explaining this and ONLY while I was explaining this I felt like I was actually truly sad. Not about my actions, not about what I did, for no reason, really. But, I was still in absolute control. If at any moment I didn't want to be sad, I could just flip the Switch and be completely normal again, within a heartbeat.
So sometimes I'm left wondering if I've been acting this whole time, or if my emotions just aren't consistent and only appear during times of actual stress... Even though I wasn't stressed out by any of that. Idk how to translate my thoughts into actual words though, so this is a bit difficult for me to really explain.
I tend to be the same way. The last time I remember FEELING guilty (probably the first time in like 5 years) was on an INTENSE acid trip. But I've found that I FEEL a lot more while under the influence of psychedelics, while maintaining a sort of control that others fail to exhibit.
Your second paragraph; I do the same thing. I make myself out to appear an emotional wreck, situation suiting, and people will most often give me what I want. I constantly lie about my feelings, it's easy because they're usually so shallow I can make them disappear as fast as they came.
I experienced a similar situation to you and your girlfriend. The only difference is that my girlfriend was in tears when she knew I had been lying. I didn't get caught, but I figured her knowing about the smoking would be a better chance to break down her trust and have a chance to rebuild it all while perfectly hiding the fact that I was cheating on her.
by IAdmitIOmitI tend to be the same way. The last time I remember FEELING guilty (probably the first time in like 5 years) was on an INTENSE acid trip. But I've found that I FEEL a lot more while under the influence of psychedelics, while maintaining a sort of control that others fail to exhibit.
Your second paragraph; I do the same thing. I make myself out to appear an emotional wreck, situation suiting, and people will most often give me what I want. I constantly lie about my feelings, it's easy because they're usually so shallow I can make them disappear as fast as they came.
I experienced a similar situation to you and your girlfriend. The only difference is that my girlfriend was in tears when she knew I had been lying. I didn't get caught, but I figured her knowing about the smoking would be a better chance to break down her trust and have a chance to rebuild it all while perfectly hiding the fact that I was cheating on her.
So am I the evil twin... Or are you...
PS, how do you know the other person won't tell your girl? I mean obviously you manipulate them, but there are women who will tell your girl no matter what because of the immense amount of guilt they may feel. Are you just cautious on choosing, or did you get lucky?