As I mentioned in the link to Hellotech, I spent a bit of time drinking to the point of tipsy and smoking to keep myself from lashing at her, and to take the edge off the whole experience. I stopped having to do that. I think I might be taking this a little too well, as I have mostly just resumed the boredom fighting routine.
I have plenty of people who have tried to help me through it, but many just have an agenda behind it, don't really understand what's going on, have no idea what to say to someone like me, or are just really really bad at it. I've been choosing to mostly face it alone, because it's my problem to face. Having others try to help me through it will just make me weak or dependant. I'll come out stronger from this one, just like everything else I've had to face in a similar fashion.
The schizophrenia manifested from the zinc deficiency largely resembles paranoid schizophrenia, so yeah, I was a paranoid mess when being tested. I'm pretty sure they were watching through the two way mirror, if not through the room's camera, but I'm not 100% certain that they were. It just seemed like they were. I couldn't always trust my own judgement when it came to those sorts of things, and I still find it difficult to now.
I still can't believe what you've been through, and how sane you appear to be now. Amazing... The schizophrenics I know (only a couple) have gone from bad to worse. I can't even imagine what it's like, to be the prisoner of your own mind like that. It's awesome that you've overcome that shit, just reading about what you've experienced sucks.
maybe not 'too well' but too nothing? blunted affect will do that. i can totally relate to keeping myself fucked to avoid lashing out but sometimes that can backfire quite terribly.
what do you think their agenda's are? and even so, are you sure that following their own agenda cannot still help give you the support that you deserve? i don't think it's weak to need help, the idea should be that you accept help whilst you are unwell and when you get better you won't need that help anymore.
i used to have huge issues with paranoia(still do i guess), what helped me somewhat is just focusing on what was actually happening, not what i thought may happen, which in turn helped me get a grip on some loony thoughts my mind was trying to convince me of.
I mean I'm able to have conversations with her now without it descending into he said she said. I'd say that's me doing fairly well. Even if it's from an absence of feeling, it beats how disorienting anger feels, or how preoccupying fears can be.
I understand how help isn't weak for others, but accepting it risks offbalancing the social bartering system that always seems to unconsciously develop into most of my friendships. I hate feeling like I owe someone something, feeling safer having the upper hand on the tally.
I also see it as weak for me to accept it, holding myself to a different standard than others, or, something.
The agenda's not always the same, but it takes some of the help out of their helping me if I notice it in advance. Playing along can lead to fun times, but it doesn't really fix the problems themselves, just distracts from it.
I've tried to help some other schizophrenics through their problems. With enough reinforcement of how to think objectively and practice self awareness, they seem to at least have their problems occur less often.
Sucks having to guide them through it though, it's almost like an existential crisis based on their own creative variant of life. There always seems to be a state of depression that seems to come before they take control of their lives. It takes tough love to help someone not be a victim when their own mind is their biggest bully.