I read this book initially with great interest and then realized a great deal of it applies to me...everything except the emotions. I have them. i wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry regularly because I feel bad...guilty...or worried. I work in a hospital in critical care so there is no shortage of emotional times that test me.
i have an "online" friend...we've never met. he knows nothing about the real me...the name i go by isn't even mine..the story he knows isn't even mine...parts of it are...but not the biggest part of it...the real me is married with a teenage son...the me he knows is single...12 years younger than i actually am...
in my "relationship" with him..he loves me...greatly. he's never met me due to circumstances beyond his control...we spend hours a day talking and i do have feelings for him...but i dont love him...i keep him around for entertainment purposes only...
i was going to fly out to meet him one day...no i wasn't really...but had a massive heart attack on the way to the airport so never made it...i knew he couldn't come be with me so it was "safe"
last september i got into an accident and ever since then my medical status has been on edge...dying, pulling out various recoveries,etc...having emergencies where he needs to sit and hold my virtual hand...he's failed at some things that meant a lot to him because of things he's been there for me with. none of my medical problems are legit...i'm toying with him...he's a med student and all my knowledge passes muester with him....i've ruined his life and just keep fucking with him because i can.
i've pushed him to the edge many many times and i keep doing it...his life is ruined..he's been forced to abandon dreams he has had for decades because of me....i've kept him from killing himself a few times legitamately because i do care what happens to him...
i do have a twinge of guilt to what i'm doing to him...why i've posted this here but yet i keep doing it...