Speaking of whom....
It's been nice chatting as always, gentlemen... But I've got something to take care of.
'Night, boys. ;)
Is it true that psychopaths have a predatory stare?
Postby Dorian_Gray » Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:08 am
I think I may have it. I've seen it described as a cold, vacant, all consuming stare that tears into a person in an attempt to size them up. I do it absentmindedly. I see someone who interests me and I just sort of latch onto them all the while not showing emotion. I feel as if I'm in a trance. Women tend to stare back and mirror me. After such episodes I look back on it as an overall strange event.
In this fleshly tomb I am buried above ground.
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Dorian_Gray
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"I dont understand what person would give up control during sex. What is sex, but control?"
It's not just control, it's also trust. I don't trust others easily, and I'm more than fairly guarded, which I reflect through sarcastic deflection and through a lot of choices I make in interaction. Being able to hand over the reigns is actually quite the rush.
What means of control I do have are closer to influencing others, not grasping for it forcefully. Being in a sub possition doesn't mean I lack control, it simply means I have control through different channels. I'm not a dead fish sub, I'm pretty bratty. I like a challenge, but I love when someone proves that they're better than me at it. It's awe-inspiring.
"May I ask you if you remember how and when you first realized you’re a paraphilic?"
I used to just have a dulled response to pain pre-puberty, skinning my knees and taking injuries as if they weren't really a hinderance. Other kids were crying over the smallest things, and I didn't really get it.
One of my father's lessons he taught as an instructor was the saying "Smile While You Hurt", explaining the impact that smiling has to relieve pain in a fight, and the psychological impacts it can have on your opponent. He jokes that I may have taken said lesson too seriously, where I think instead said lesson hid the true nature of my pain lust for a long time. From modeling off of others, I tried to avoid pain the way I'd try to avoid any other danger when outside of a fighting scenario.
When I first realized what deeper levels of pain felt like, it was my Freshman year of college. The ex-fiance I was on about in another thread had broken up with me... again... and from how she'd done so, it sent me into a pretty dark place (another story for another time). I was very into Parkour at the time, and decided to practice to get my mind off the distracting mental anguish.
It had been snowing the past few days before, and was still lightly snowing that night. Everything was really slippery, but I was not really in a state of mind to be cautious. Jumping around and practicing how to balance on slippery surfaces, I eventually slipped and cut my knee up pretty badly.
I began laughing compulsively. It was almost an out of body experience. I could only watch as I kept laughing, hunched over in a creepily depraved fashion (thank goodness it was late). It hit me that I should probably address the wound, so I decided to press a handful of fresh powdery snow into it. The feeling of it was exhilarating, but from a lack of understanding I found myself scared... internally. Externally I just laughed louder.
I limped back to my room once the hysterics wore off, still feeling a conflicting sense of pleasure as it was healing. Back inside one of my friends saw me (who knew how hard I was taking the break up) and insisted I go to his room instead of be alone in my own. Randomly some of my other friends were there, and were shocked when they saw the injury alongside my non-matching expression. They didn't know how to take it, and just were sort of frozen studying me. A few days later, my recognition of how I respond to pain became an inside joke, and a cool bit of trivia when meeting new people.
I don't know if there's any truth to that psychopathic "predatory stare" mythos. Doesn't everbody have it if they're looking at someone like they're lunch? Maybe it happens more frequently with sociopaths, because their intentions are more often predatory. But I don't think the phenomenon comprises some mysterious physiological oddity unique to psychopaths... (Says the girl whose avatar is a probing blue eye, lol)
As the submissive, you are in the position of most control... If you're playing with a trustworthy dominant. Sexual dominance and submission are not necessarily indicative of social or relational dominance and submission. In fact, they are sometimes inversely related... As evidenced by the high number of powerful execs looking to relinquish control and get thrashed in the bedroom. :) The beauty of power exchange within a sexual context is that you can exlore all sorts of roles and sensations freely. It can teach you a lot about non-sexual power dynamics, too, but that is another subject.
I find it interesting that you can pinpoint an incident in particular which conveyed to you the understanding that you do not process pain "typically". This was true for me as a child as well. I have a very high threshold of tolerance for pain. How did you link that incident to a feeling of sexual fulfillment, though? At what point did you discover that your wires were crossed, in that way?
I understand how something extremely painful can be processed as pleasure in a sexual context- and also how to sadistically derive a pleasurable power rush from hurting someone else. But I am not sure I know exactly when I discovered this about myself. It just happened "by accident" as a result of various "fortuitous" encounters. Ha!
Sometimes I think my kink is related to the years I spent diving competitively. In retrospect, I think my coach was a bit of a psycho. He tolerated no fear or hesitation from me whatsoever, even though I was very young, and he harnessed my natural courage by pushing me consistently beyond my limits. He was very hard on me. (I was surrounded by hardness at home, at school, and even on the diving team, where I was the golden girl with promise, so to speak.) He used to jump up and down on my stomach to demonstrate to the rest of the class how hard everyone's ab muscles should be, laughing gleefully. I was only 10 years old. And when I'd land a dive poorly and smash myself into water so hard it felt like concrete, he laughed at my plight, and made me go back up and do it again, immediately, to desensitize me to any potential fear. He was like the jolly psycho sadist from hell- but his methods really worked. I became very good.
But it had an impact on my young mind. To this day, whenever I want to thrash someone, I almost invariably do it with a smile... ;)
The strict approaches do tend to achieve faster results with some people. Others instead seem to stress out, expecting to be eased into it.
At what point did you discover that your wires were crossed, in that way?
It's not like after that incident I stopped feeling pain. Naturally I experimented with that crazy discovery to try to understand it better. By the time sex was a part of the equation, I just figured two good things together would make it better.
It helped that the one who experimented with me was an actual nymphomaniac, which gave a ton of room for trial and error. It started vanilla (with me unable to get off for the first week o_o), but eventually the pain thing was questioned. She was originally a little creeped out about it when we'd first met, but changed that tune pretty fast when she saw how I responded when harmed. She adapted extremely quickly (and had trouble dropping the habit when we broke up).
Her and I's version of PDA was pretty much softly harming me in public in socially acceptable ways, like a sock in the shoulder if I made a terrible pun, forceful grasping of the wrist or arm with a grip twist to redden the skin that she could make look gentle, or grinding her heel into my toes under the table. It was hard to try to keep a straight face when with friends while this was going on. Sometimes I couldn't. 
Was fun to see my friend's faces when I started having marks. One even did a "OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY!?" Priceless.
That's how I show my husband affection, too. He always has bruises all over his body- especially on the sensitive skin under his arms. :) I love to pinch him there, cause it hurts so good, lol.
You were lucky to find a nympho. We're a rare breed. If you can't get off on vanilla sex (I cant either) my advice would be to make finding someone who completes and challenges you in this way a top priority. You will never be fulfilled otherwise- only stuck with a chronic itch you can't scratch.
Have you officially dropped the drama queen from hell?