"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well, regardless of anyone." -AA slogan...
I've been struggling lately with this notion that- well it's just like really negative. General thoughts about everything. That I will never get better, that I'm permanently fucked, to be anxious and miserable forever. That I'll never be able to function well enough to my, standards, that I'll never be okay no matter what I accomplish. That I'm, worthless, hopeless, blah blah blah the list goes on.
It's really bad.
But yeah I just took my meds so... that helped calm me down and I feel decently okay now.
just decent though, not exceptionally well. Just not horrible or bad either.
Which is better than I was doing all day, and yesterday...
I think I should see my doctor and maybe we can figure this out...
I hate to admit it but the mental illness is consuming me lately. It's a really scary thought because when you, admit that you are also admitting that you struggle with believing this will ever get better.
There's a lot, wrong. Up in my head. Thought wise and, it's causing me to struggle with really intense thoughts of suicide.
It's, not fun.. um. I'm, going through a pretty rough time. I just want it to stop and everything to be normal, but it's hard to explain.
It's like, everyone else exists in this bubble of normalcy where their thoughts are guarded and safe, as if their brain is capable of coloring within the lines.
But for me, the boundaries have faded in some areas, leaving weak links. And that leaves me, exposed. Feeling.
To "thoughts" (I won't say truths..) that are uh... that will mentally break you, and bring you to your knees, and bring you to suicide.
It's like, the thoughts are there for everyone, the potential is there for everyone to feel and see and think things the way I am- but they are just fortunate enough their brain is protected, by a barrier and balanced. So they get to live in la la land where, the things that drive me mad- they don't even see it. And it doesn't effect them at all. They get to be totally fine. Going about life.
Meanwhile I"m, experiencing unending anxiety and depression, which can only seem to be defeated truly with medication, and even that- isn't a "good" fix. The meds make me too tired to function, and the benzos are highly addictive, increase suicidal thoughts over time, and develop a tolerance so quickly. Not to mention, you're on drugs, you can't function, you can't remember anything you did while on them (black outs) and you're essentially kind of high. You certainly can't study or work, or get a job like that. You can't even pass a drug test.
It's no way to live. But it's the only thing that quiets the demon of anxiety and depression.
Otherwise, it's like standing out in the cold rain all the time. All, the time. And the only way to come inside, put on a warm blanket and melt into a warm bath- by a fire. The only way to feel okay, to feel safe. To feel normal. Is to take a drug that hurts me more than it helps me long term, and I can't function on.
Not to mention long term habitual use is horrible for the body, and leaves lesions on your Brain, and results in many other bad health and mental health effects.
So I'm trying to figure out a way to, work through this essentially and, I'm just coming to terms with the fact I think it's going to be very hard, and it's going to require a lot of professional help- real, good- EXCELLENT help that actually knows what they're doing, to treat depression- chemical depression. Chemical anxiety. Serious panic attacks.
I don't know, I just don't know if there is a way out. But, I'm trying to believe there is. I just want to be okay for a little while... which is why I was willing to go off my meds in the first place. It was to feel that okay ness like everyone else feels for once. Not to be so tired, so depressed, etc.
I feel like they're going to recommend that I stay in a facility which is why I haven't gone to my therapist... they say it takes 90 days for the brain to even begin to change.... molecularly. And.. I dunno, it sucks to put your life on hold in that way but. What choice do I have if I live everyday in the Frey not knowing, today could be the day I just can't take it anymore and I kill myself. Like I feel like that's all I'm waiting for at this point. If I'm being totally, totally honest. Despite wanting to believe, it can get better blah blah blah. And trying my hardest.
I do honestly, see, the scary truth which is that I don't know if I am going to survive this. It breaks me up. Because I want to, you know. Even though life is short, whatever, so incredibly meaningless and short. It would be sad for it to be even shorter I suppose. I dunno, I just feel like, I said. Running out of options. Becoming increasingly and dangerously suicidal, and probably approaching a mental breakdown at this rate if things don't improve.
But I'm trying to sort of "consciously" will myself to be better as best I can... but it feels kind like pushing something up a hill you know it's not easy at all. Telling myself, "it willl get better, it's just a bad week." "it will get better." And forcing myself to eat, and take my meds, and supplements. Drinking water. Forcing myself to shower.
All of these things are very difficult in the scope of, what I have going on in my head. Um, it's difficult to just, enjoy the holidays you know. Enjoy life. It's difficult to work. Socialize.
It's difficult to do anything, even watch, a tv show. All my depression wants me to do is sleep, which I do a lot of. But I know that won't help me get better.
Yesterday I went for a swim, and hot tub. And then played guitar for a minute.
It's all very pathetic. I worry I'm getting worse over time.
Um... hm. But yeah, I guess. To explain what it's like because people don't understand how it's a debilitating thing from the inside, you know and how it's an actual illness not just, complaining or a bad mind set- um.
I would try, picture if you put your hands into the sleeves awkwardly so that the elbow was bent as you insert it. So your hands are up by your shoulders. And all you have is, elbows. And then do the same for your feet into your pant legs, so all you have to walk on is your knees.
And also, imagine that yesterday night, a gang of three people beat you up a bit- not so violently you had to be hospitalized but just enough, to make it a really shitty time. So you're a bit sore. And they left you laying there.
And that's the sort of disheartened, and physically weak, sore- painful state you are in, and onto of that, you are trying to function- walk to work, get through the day, study, make food, shower- with just knees and elbows to work with.
That will give you, a good picture of what it's like, how difficult it is, for someone with debilitating depression to function.
I'm not kidding.
Now imagine, having this condition for ten years. It's like a recurrent flu, or mono- but your body isn't sick, and they can't cure it. It's just your brain.
And you keep dumping buckets of serotonin and dopamine whatever you can find to make it better but it's never enough. And everyday you wake up with the same, bruised feeling. Sore, aching, tired.
Eventually you stop bothering to make food, you stop bothering to shower. You stop bothering to get up. You stop bothering to work.
This is just the external aspect of life with depression, the internal hell requires an entirely different description. Which, I won't get into now but. If I come up with a good way to put it I will... share. It's more difficult to describe.
But I think, I was thinking about it earlier and- I think that's the reason why a lot of people suffer even further than they need to- with these disorders is because of how difficult it is to put into words, to get it out, to say your symptoms, to explain what you are experiencing. Instead you resort, to other tings because you can't find the words to express you just, have other habits instead of dealing with it. Like, usually self harm and other unhealthy habits.
