All of this I’m going through plus just my normal life is really difficult and stressful (for me) right now
so replying to this thread on top of it is just making it more stressful...
it’s too much to explain what’s going on .... um.
but yeah u misunderstood me when i said it’s not working for me, i meant that these meds aren’t the best when they are put in my body- not that they don’t work at all, just that i am struggling with fatigue issues and depression..
but without the meds, my anxiety is off the charts. And yes i was that way before the meds as well.
So i have to take them.
Basically, I’m trying to figure out a way to make my body make / regulate serotonin the way it’s supposed to,
but because of having an auto immune disorder- it means, I’m not only incapable and deficient, in many things- but also, as a result, incapable of regulating serotonin. Also, my adrenal and cortisol glands are shot. Meaning they aren’t regulating, they aren’t producing, nothing.
there is a whole chain reaction of things that happen because of this. Physically and psychologically.
I’m just having to come to terms with that myself, a large part of me keeps “forgetting” and refusing to acknowledge i have this issue- and then does things like- doesn’t adhere tot he diet my doctor gave me, doesn’t take any of my meds, etc.
so in an effort to get my brain healthier I’m going to have to get my body healthier... if i ever want to dream of being off these meds.
But without my brain being able to regulate the serotonin, i would be, unable to live a normal life um.
Really i should be thankful these meds exist, and they’re not benzodiapines.
Lexapro is something that you can take the rest of your life and some people do have to.
Perfect brain chemistry isn’t awarded to everyone. Still have to try for it though.
Basically- to sum it up with my body, it’s like putting nutrients into a sinking ship with a hole in it...
it just, doesn’t stick. Which is why before i was put on all these meds i was 80 pounds. And everyone said i looked, “better” that way. The “anorexic” way etc.
I was seriously ill.. no one should look that way... it took a huge dent in my brain’s health and, i couldn’t focus, i couldn’t remember anything- for exams. I had to drop out of school. I could hardly think straight. I was an emotional wreck, scheduling break downs into my week nad having nightly panic attacks for seemingly no reason.
I had been to the hospital six times in one year because, I get ill really easily. A normal cold, has me bedridden two weeks, and then developing bronchitis. My body hurt all the time, when I was that thin. I used caffeine to compensate for the fatigue, and depression. But I grew up crying myself to sleep, and writing sad music, wanting to off myself. The suicidality and panic attacks together culminated to create havoc in my life, and to top it off, also a bit of dissociation in the mix. Why not right? Between these things I was fairly debilitated but, I tried my best just to keep the illusion things were okay. On the outside. And white knuckled through life. I was too stressed to just relax, i couldn’t do that. Which is why I type so incessantly, here on the forums and, do lots of shit to keep my hands and eyes busy. Busy busy busy, I was always busy. I couldn’t sit and watch a movie for ten minutes, I was too anxious to just have a conversation. I couldn’t relax and be at east enough to smile, and enjoy an evening over a meal.
I can’t run. Not even a little bit. I can’t exercise. If I’m late for something, I can’t run to class. It’s not from being out of shape but its from a domino effect of metabolic wrongs in my body that result in my body’s inability to circulate enough blood and oxygen to my lungs at the rate that is needed. So my heart picks up speed to pump more blood, but instead of giving me more blood- the blood just gets thinner. Because I don’t have enough. And then I suffocate. And it feels like an asthma attack on top of your lungs and neck filling with hot concrete, it really feels like drowning from the inside out. Sometimes I vomit from one of these attacks, if I make the mistake of over exerting myself moving a piece of furniture or vacuuming. Sometimes, even laughing too much.
I couldn’t sleep. At my worst point my appetite had dissapeared and I stopped eating all together.
The worst part was really having your internal organs shut down though, that was not only scary but painful.
I’ve been through a lot. And I’m tired. And anemic.
To prevent myself from getting to weak, and trying to improve my lung capacity and my cardio, I swim. Do what I can yhou know.
But I haven’t been doing a good job of taking care of my body so.... I’m going to try and start... so that I don’t have to be so tired all the time.
And so my brain can fingers crossed regulate serotonin.
It’s trial and error at this point.
The reason I want to get off the med is beacuse of the reasons stated in the initial first few posts of this thread, I think i made it clear enough but, to sum it up, to get back my personality, livelihood, and to annex lethargy and fatigue from my life for good.
It had just gotten to be too much lately, I was sleeping all day, and all night, for days, and days.
The feeling became kind of, terrible. Being unable to do anything but sleep. It was a combination of, medication, depression, physiological nutritional deficiencies /metabolic processing disorder and anemia.
So yeah i thought going off the meds would be a solution and i would be fine but i was wrong, learned the hard way that the reaction i have to going off the medication is inevitable due to my brains chemical dependency on it.
It can only be done one way i have learned now.
I already knew this, I’m not a dumb ass but-
I was so desperate to not feel depressed and tired anymore- I knew the quickest and easiest fix was just to drop the meds. And then you feel great!
I was just desperate to feel great for a week and come out of the fog you know? You may not know I dont know. But it’s miserable enough to make you wanna die so, i was tired of laying around wanting to die and I was like fuck it. Fuck these meds.
And then yeah, lol. I paid the price for it with a nice full body panic attack this time, shaking head to toe lol. It was awful... thank god the klonopin worked.
This is why i keep these sort of drugs on hand. Because in the event of a really really bad one, that I’m unable to master with normal techniques- this is necessary. Happens very rarely where it it is at that severity that I can’t just calm down with meditation.
Sorry I’m typing a lot, I can’t sleep. I’m anxious about the fact, the one thing that helped me survive this fatigue was caffeine like, that’s honestly how I’ve been able to keep *going* you know so.... um.... but lately whenever i drink it my mind gets scattered and i can’t focus and i start getting dizzy and going into a panic attack. Also the doctor said no caffeine, it’s not the caffeine but it’s actually the espresso bean? I don’t know she explained it but basically it’s not good for me and what we’re trying to do which is... make my body metabolically normal.
But yeah, if you guys were wondering why the fuck I spend so much time on the computer, over these last few years it’s because of my deteriorating mental and physical health. It’s like, a mud slide at this point so.
Yeah uh. It’s pretty scary to have your body and mind fail you, and like... I just want to get better or whatever but. I got kind of worked up because in the back of my mind I know, this isn’t something that’s just easily fixed. The whole, serotonin regulating issue. It’s, hard to fix,... that.
I’ve been in denial for years hoping oh, I don’t have “Chemical depression” those people are fucked!
Btu the truth is I’m one of those people and having to struggle with it already and suicidal issues and then stress of having all these issues and the havoc it creates in your life, and then on top of that to be faced with the notion, your brain is actually fundamentally flawed it’s, a lot to take in so.
That’s how I take news. It has to sink in for like years. Anything like that usually takes me a while to process and be ok with.
But yeah thats part of what was going through my head while I was having the really bad panic attack, was you know. The way I was feeling then, that’s how I am naturally without meds. And that’s a scary thought that, essentially without these meds, I die.
