Blanc needs to be stopped - 7 - Sociopath Community

RE: Blanc needs to be stopped

Blanc · 2020-03-18T10:12:17.3530000

This is what my psychiatrist saw in me most noticeable switch occurs at 3:48 And then again at 4:50ans again at 5:56

no you're right I don't need to focus too much on the past

and yes personal responsibility for myself and my actions is a huge part of like, moving forward I acknowledge that

I would love to have no mental health concerns, and hopefully I *don't* have DID like this psychiatrist thought. I don't want him to be right but, it's hard to just completely dismiss it in my mind.

Like, it's always there ruminating in the back of my mind now, and I'm just looking for signs, trying to pay closer attention to myself, my thought patterns, my behaviors-

and writing down as much as I can.

Some of this I've done privately.

The point of this writing, is so that I can't delete it. But thank you for telling me I need to move forward, that is exactly what I"m trying to do.

I think you're just misperceiving my journal posts as, some sort of excuse? When really it's just me analyzing my mind as it is and trying to figure out, what's going on.

Like, awareness, is the very first step *in* moving forward, especially if you have any mental disorders, depression, anxiety, etc.

It's, part of a therapeutic process called DBT. So, what I'm doing does have a "progressive" purpose, there are many purposes to it more than just that.

So I hope you can wrap your head around that and understand that, I very much am on the same page as you guys and what you're suggesting, and moving forward is all that I have been trying to do.

Part of that, is, figuring out what is wrong. It's the ice burg effect, I have like, things going on as behaviors and symptoms, and then, I have to figure out, what's causing them, what thought processes lead up to them, etc.

In order to better my life.

This is all just, analysis. Record keeping, etc.

I talk about the past because I am writing down memories as they come up sometimes, as I'm not always able to, remember. Because I can't have access all the time- I have to write them down as they come and keep them here so I don't forget.

The more I write about it, the more I'm able to integrate these "sectioned off" parts of self into, one whole conscious self. That has always been the goal since I started all the way back in, 2016?

I've just been trying to like, understand myself.

No one really should even bother reading this shit, unless I dunno maybe they feel like they can relate or something, find some sort of solace in it, or entertainment. Belonging. I don't know. But,... it's, really just for myself because I have a compulsion to delete things, when I keep things in private. Photos, journals, etc. Majority of things I've written or created, have been trashed.

I've slowly gotten better about it but, yeah... I have a compulsive deleting problem. The other problem is, if I'm not writing to anyone, I won't write, because I have a hard time seeing the point.

But when I do it like this, it's, a cathartic release to be sharing it with humanity. A point of connection from my deep innermost self and, the rest of the fucking world. I don't know, but it just "hits different" to, put these sort of things on a page that I bury in my bottom drawer of my desk in a shuffled mess of papers, where as this way, I feel a need to be, clear, and to, explain things as if I am explaining them to someone else.... it has to actually make "sense" to someone who, completely doesn't know what I'm experiencing.

And that process in itself is like art, it is like creating which, gives my brain serataonin, clarity, a lifting feeling or release of stress. And, it also provides insight into, things further for me like... it's therapeutic because, as I am writing, I will realize things. Or once I finish writing, I will realize things. Epiphanies and lines of thought that I couldn't of otherwise had access to without, unlocking them in this way.

So, it's all very important. What I'm doing. It does serve a progressive purpose with an objective, and although you might not understand, that's okay...

This writing I do in itself, is part of how I have been learning to take responsibility for myself, for my present. For my own healing, and wholeness, and functionality.

This is all part of that.

This is why I do all of it in the first place. It, helps.

And hopefully I can "over come" my issues and continue to get better and see improvement in myself and my life, but, because I was told certain diagnoses, like DID and Bipolar, that changes the approach a bit so, I'm just trying to sort of, wrap my head around these things.

I am not even certain that these psychiatrists are right and that I have those two things they believe I may have.

I would love for it to turn out, that I did not.

I don't *want* cyclothymia or rapid cycling bipolar. I don't *want* to have DID, I was hoping very much so that I could find a stable level ground (thats all I've been trying to do) emotionally for myself where I don't have as many bouts of depression anymore, where I don't need medication anymore, where I feel "whole" and don't, have "identity disturbances" anymore.

But right now, I don't *have* those things. Have they improved from when I first started treatment in 2017, yes, but- do I have perfect stability, emotionally and with regard to sense of self? No.

That's why I'm trying to improve them. But, if there are other disorders at play here, that makes a huge difference in the approach I need to have in, "treating" myself.

And I need to be *educated* about these things, to best, understand and take care of myself.

So I'm just trying to *understand* myself right now, and trying to look and analyze myself as my psychiatrists did to see, what they saw. And, to make it clear to me, like it was clear to them. Or to determine if, there was a misperception on their part.

So, that's why I post a lot of videos and such related to DID lately is because, I'm trying to look at these people, and think, "is this what I look like?"

"do I do this too?"

And I'm just very uncertain at the time being, as anyone would be when first being told they have something like DID.

You have to keep in mind there are also many types of DID, OSDD-1b, OSDD-1a, and DDNOS. And then, dissociation as a symptom as well can fall under many other disorders, and there are dissociative disorders that exist due to neurological dysfunctions in the brain- etc.

So I'm just, learning about dissociation, I'm learning about all of it, taking it all in, trying to understand it.

And also, at the same time trying to understand myself and sort of check myself a lot, like, monitoring my internal thoughts and processes and behaviors like, to sense instability or, switching, or anything like that.

That's all I'm trying to do is, monitor, analyze, etc.

So yeah, it's "up in the air" right now is what I'm trying to say. As far as, what diagnosis I do or don't have, because I have not, felt fully certain about, either of these, yet.