Sociopath Community

Martha 

ageless, all knowing, "omega", guiding spirit, always knows the truth, the answer to any question, gives extremely insightful advice that resonates deep within my conscience, often speaks with very few words 

loving, nurturing like an angel. understands sometimes I have to go through pain or face consequences but encourages me through them. reminds me to be strong, etc. 

it's as if she's seen my entire life 800 times, and lives in heaven or something. and knows, exactly how everything's supposed to go at every turn. so she's always blissfully calm, in an ethereal way, like a god. 

has mysterious ways. like, will leave me with answers that leave me thinking, and with more questions than I started with. on purpose. 

if I call to her she always responds with, "yes dear." 

not human, though presents to me in a human embodiment so I can grasp her entity, she's really just, nothing. like, essence or the air and, can go anywhere and be the wind but chooses to reside in the darkness in my mind as some sort of, watching, eye. like she belongs with me or to me for some reason. 

knows me like the back of her hand obviously because she does live in my head, she knows every thought and every memory and everything I've ever seen, touched, tasted. etc. she knows *all* of *everything* and has compassion for me.

like if my father says something mean to me she'll tell me, "don't listen to him." 

she talks me through pain. in times where I feel like I'm dying. or, extreme stress and confusion, indecision. she can make things clear and calm. 

she's always right. 

Christopher 

he's never spoken anything but mumbles, he comes around and then shluffs back off to bed. 

Martha knows him but I don't. She said he's always cranky and he's, "just that way." and to ignore him.

He remains asleep pretty much 24/7, and all he wants to do is sleep. 

Very grumpy cranky old man who's always asleep. I don't know why that's there but it is, oddly enough. 

always in pajamas, and in bed. And, exists in a perpetual state of, grumpiness. 

wants nothing to do with anyone or anything. 

Eifel 

a young, glowing, blonde little sweet fairy. very dainty and fragile, frail. always surrounding by twinkling and lightness, and glowing... warm incandescent light. 

visits me in times death. "death fairy?" 

giggly and sweet, but knows more of what's going on than I do when im sick or something she kind of tells me, things like. "he's coming." or, "watch out." easily startled or sensitive to the slightest of noises. knows and feels what my body feels and based on this knows when I am very sick and exactly what is wrong, what to do, etc. 

whenever she comes around I say, "great, you again." because I know if she shows up, it means I'm near dead. 

she smiles a lot. tries to reassure me or warn me about things. like, intuitively knows... what to do. like, "get up. drink water. [or you'll die soon, your organs are shutting down]." or tells me, "you have a temperature of 103, go to the hospital." 

essentially is tinker bell but way cooler, because she knows about the times in my life I will be close to death and, it's her "duty" to show up during these times and tell me what to do. I'm not the only person she watches after though I think she's kind of like the tooth fairy but instead of collecting teeth she visits dying people and guides them. 

her presence is naturally comforting. very pure and heavenly being, given the assignment of helping people and also, awarded it like, it was a position in "heaven" that she had to earn. 

She wakes me up if I'm losing consciousness, like I can hear it in my ear like, a sudden whisper. "Wake up." and suddenly she's far away, no longer whispering in my ear. And she urges me to stay awake or, get out of things if they are dangerous. Like when I was in a really bad car accident, she woke me up and I picked my head up off the steering wheel and I heard a hissing noise coming from the car and she said, "get out." with a stern voice. (it was going to catch on fire)

she also told me during the wreck, "protect your head." right as the vehicle got tboned and it was flipping out of control.

Blanc said: 

this one will cuss you out in Spanish a thousand miles a minute, becomes very volatile and violent, will scream a lot, has a MAJOR attitude

You speak Spanish? 

YOU LYING HOEBAG

I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS 

Blanc has been here for eons, countless of warriors have attempted to stop her, and none of them succeeded

LMAO YOU'RE SUCH AN EMBARRASSING MESS. YOU'RE JUST A NARCISSIST. THAT'S IT.

I really do talk to Martha a lot. I have no idea who she is or why she is in my head, or why she is able to fucking respond to me and converse with me. 

But, yeah the rest. I only can communicate with Eifel if i[m like deathly ill, that’s the only time she’s around. 

Christopher is in darkness... Martha showed me him but, he doesn’t say anything he’s just always asleep. Dormant. Not sure what he has to do with anything but. 

All three of these are related to childhood stories that i heard growing up, so it makes sense. My sister used to tell me about a woman with dark hair named “moaning Martha” who lived in our bath tub. Saying she had died in the house. I guess, maybe in order to conquer my fear of this imaginary horror story she told me to freak me out, i would have conversations with her when I was in the bath alone, to feel less scared and. Now she’s always around, if I’m scared. Like, I can talk to her. 

Eifel, I realized, comes from a blanket i had as a child that had lots of fairies on it. I also had a book about fairies as a child, and watched a movie about fairies as a child so. It probably came from a combination of those things. I would dive off into fantasy lands at a very young age, with these “fairies” I don[t remember why, when, or what I imagined but, I do remember little glimpses of like, sitting on a bed and looking at the book and just like, imagining this whole world of fairies. Normal kid imagination stuff you know... playing. In my head. I think it was an escape. And i remember like, being really sad one time because i was really sick, and laying on the floor crying. And i saw the fairies on my blanket and started like, imagining them as real talking fairies that were 3D. And I guess it comforted or distracted me as a child from, how ill i was feeling and sad or worried about it i was?

(I got sick a lot as a child like, deathly ill multiple times... that in itself was kind of traumatic. I lost the use of my legs at one point and didn’t know if i would get it back for a prolonged period of time. I was also told once I had 24 hours to live. There were times i was so ill I was wavering in and out of consciousness or covered head to toe in rashes, or times i passed out in a pile of my own vomit and was hospitalized (which i blacked out the memory of) and also typical shivering head to toe from high fevers and such.) 

Christopher comes from a story i heard when i was really young, and he is the, visualization of, the sleeping man from a children’s rhyme or story song thing about the guy who sleeps and snores during the rain and then bumps his head. I have no fucking idea what that ones about but, i do recognize that he most definitely *is* the sleeping man i imagined when we sang that song, as a child. 

My aunt taught me this song and told me to sing it when i was scared of the rain and alone, because for some reason I was living with her (i was too young to know why) and, she left me there alone in her apartment. I don’t remember the details of everything that happened but. I remember there was this man asleep in the bed... yeahhhhh I don’t wanna talk about that anymore but. You get the picture, what happened there. 

- 

Anyways, the rest that i described have only like “fronted” during very high stress situations. Like I have to be pushed to my limit, beyond what I can handle, and then.... yeah. It happens. I *will* be talking in a different accent. It will freak people out. And I’ll be acting very, bizarre. Not like myself. All of them are usually very angry when they are fronting because, whatever triggered it out.... was uh.... intensely emotional or like, an “emotional button” was pressed. It’s not like they just come out to have tea and a chat. They came out to protect me, and bark at someone who is, crossing a line. 

And then after they do their thing and the threat like, is no longer present and everything is calm, i will just drop like instantly. Like if I’m standing I will literally sit physically on the ground, or even retreat to a corner, or a nearby bathroom. And I just like, put my head up against a wall or in my lap, because it can be kind of overwhelming the whole dissociation process “switching out” it’s not, easy. It’s like someone is flushing my head. Like a whirlpool is opened up and draining everything. I dunno, it’s really, you dont’ feel well when it’s happening like, you feel very sick, disoriented dizzy. Sometimes, quite panicked. The feeling of dissociation and detachment, derealization, etc it is all coming on too strongly and it hits you too hard and it just, is panic inducing because it’s so much it just, feels terrifying. 

It is *not* a pleasant thing. But yes, it has happened. And then, yeah, I usually completely pass out. After having some overt, like over the top display of emotion as some weird whimsical, like, SOMEONE ELSE. Entirely. And then when i wake up I’m calm and baseline. Me. Normal. Boring me. And I’m like what the fuck just happened. And i feel *reallllllllly tired* like. 

But yeah this happened in the car once which was an interesting experience (someone else was driving don’t worry). Because, I thought I could resist the passing out thing like, i thought maybe i was deciding to do it because i was tired, but- no, i actually can’t. Is what I’ve found out. I was trying to stay awake but i started trailing off while i was talking and just like, passed out sitting up. After one of this crazy explosions of someone else fronting for a minute. And yeah, like the dissociation set in to a point iw as so confused i couldn’t like, see properly. Everything was just really distorted feeling and craaaazy mashed up. And yeah i trailed off in my sentence like i started sounding drunk is what my mom said and she said, ‘are you ok?” And i was like... wha-... wha.. whats..hope..i dont know...” and like fell asleep sitting up. My chin just like dipped into my chest and i was out like a light. 

When i woke up i was like uhhhhh sorry about that. I dont know, what’s wrong with me. An they’re like “its ok... youi can just rest if u want.” And I’m like “yeah I’m really tired” lol and we haven’t talked about it since but. 

There’ve been other instances of it. It’s pretty rare because it does have to be set off. But yeah.... 

Like, times where there is a complete amnesia barrier, and I can’t remember what happened because I’m not co-con aka, not witnessing whatever is happening consciously. Um.... it may, happen more than I know, obviously because, this is like... amnesia but. I truly have no idea the extent to which it takes hold in my life. How would i. 

But, I do know once i was writing on my laptop, just like now. Sitting in front of it typing, and i was like, journaling about time i spent in Mexico, and the whole ‘rape’ thing came up in my mind and.... boom. Gone. Lol, out like a light. I have absolutely no idea what happened. I just remember getting really tired and sick and dizzy feeling, as i was typing and then like, i put my forehead down. I thought i fell asleep. But, it turns out during this time, i had a conversation with my mom apparently. What else did i do, i don’t know. But, yeah, i talked to my mom... agreed to make plans with her for later in the evening. The only reason i know about this is because later on, when i came to. I was staring out the window and it was now dark all the sudden and was like woah, what time is it. And i looked at my clock and i was like what? 6 hours went by? Wtf? And then i hear my mom coming toward me- she came in the door so, that must of been what “woke me up” or “snapped me out of it?” And she was like, ‘hey u ready to do that thing we planned on doing” and I’m like what thing lol and shes like\... basically reminding me of the conversation we had like 30 minutes ago or something and I’m like oh god.... i have zero recollection of that. Weird. And shes like well do u still wanna go and I’m like.... not really I’m like *super* tired. I was too tired to go anywhere, as i usually am after some sort of significant bout of dissociation, and.... i was really confused. Because i thought i had written several pages. In my mind i had. But when i “came to” the pages were literally BLANK. And then i laid down and went to sleep lol cuz i was too tired to like, be conscious anymore lol 

that’s usually how that goes. 

But yeah, it’s very rare That things are like, that severe? Or there is complete amnesia barriers or “no time has passed but actually tons of it has in the blink of an eye wtf” moments. 

It did happen once at work as well recently, in the months i spent working there. I have no idea why this time, where as the other times i can recall dissociating i remember why and what triggered it and it makes sense. In this case, i have no idea, i dont remember whatever it was that triggered it but I completely blanked out, standing at the cash register, staring out the window. When customers were trying to order from me. It felt like the blink of an eye but it was long enough for.... the line, behind the customer in front of me to grow longer all the sudden and, for the person in front

Of me to be like, getting angry at the fact i was not even paying attention to them. They were like uh HELLO. Should i just go somewhere else? I need to pay. 

Like when i “came to” i had just been standing there and my mouth was open. And then i shut it and blinked a bit feeling like i had just woken up from a nap and, my coworker was standing next to me saying my name like, ‘Mary, hello, wake up. What are you doing. Mary. MARY.” And like snapping their fingers in my face. Literally. 

And i was like oh my god I’m so sorry.... and i was still feeling disoriented, couldn’t remember what her order was or anything.... and my coworker was like, “you got this??” And I’m like “yeah I’m good just uh- what did she order?” 

Lol 

But yeah the doctor that said he *thinks* i have DID, said, i was talking in different accents during our session, and dissociating. 

I don’t know how or why he was so fucking certain that’s what it was but, that’s just what he thought. 

Is that correct? I have no fucking idea man. 

Does it matter? Not really. Not like there’s anything i can do about it either way. 

I personally don’t believe I have it, but, of course I would think that. I’m not one of those people fortunate enough to like, have perfect communication between alters and like, firmly feel them all existing at one time. It’s more like, out of absolutely no where some dissociative state will occur and.... i just don’t really know... what to do abotu that but. 

I’ve learned as long as i like, avoid triggers, go about my normal life within whats comfortable for me, and like, take my meds, take good care of myself, get enough sleep, keep stress low. I’m pretty much alright for the most part. 

The real thing that is the most like, inhibiting to my function is depression. Major depression to be specific. 

Like, though i have ptsd, it’s only apparent *sometimes* where as depression is apparent a lot... and its like, more difficult to bear at this point. Since the meds help with my ptsd symptoms so much. 

Like, the prevailing or worst condition i have to deal with now is depression is what I’m trying to say because, I’ve gotten a pretty good grip on ptsd or have learned to manage it. Though it was bad at one time, it’s just not anymore because, I’ve just learned how to live with it and such. Every now and then i might have a panic attack but i just take a klonopin and I’m alright in a couple days. Whatever. 

It’s the depression that sucks the most or is the most annoying to my life, because i just, don’t feel like doing anything and want to die for no reason so. Thats what i have to like, work on or focus on right now. 

I also had another doc say oh you have bipolar and ADD but, i don’t really know if that’s the case or if this is just what depression looks like. (There can be ups and downs with depression and focus issues with it, of course.) 

So it may be a misdiagnosis on her part. i have no idea. 

So to be clear the official diagnoses I’ve accepted as real and accurate are just ptsd and depression. 

The rest, i dont really care or have a way of knowing or feeling for certain they are accurate like, i just don’t fully, know that they are. Or if they are.... etc. so yeah. Whatever. 

Ptsd and depression are all that currently matter. 

I had a history of EDNOS but, i got over that for the most part. Eating disorder not otherwise specified. It was just a result of a food related trauma where i was hospitalized from botulism and i have no memory of this hospitalization because it was so traumatic i blacked the entire thing out but, i was just a kid so. I didn’t like know how to process or handle whatever happened there it just slowly tumbled into this OCD pattern where like, i couldn’t trust food anymore, had anxiety around food, and thought all of it could result in me getting super sick and nearly dying again. And like, i didn’t *want* to think this way it was just a disorder that was beyond my control like. I couldn’t phsuycially bring myself to eat a fuckin, chicken nugget. Even if iw as hungry and liked the idea of it, as soon as it was in front of me i just couldn’t physically force myself to do it. I was just a child so i didn’t understand this was a disorder or like, what was even going on. I didn’t understand the anxiety or feelings i had, the panic attacks. It was just, an eating disorder that i had to overcome ya know. *shrugs* but, i didn’t do a very good job because i didn’t get any psychiatric help. It was just a lot of force feeding and getting yelled at by my parents, it was kind of really stressful. Um, and miserable. I was really thin and, yeah it just got to a point that like, even my school principal was trying to help me eat because i was vomiting from the stomach acid in my stomach. And she did manage to get through to me, she helped me eat some cheerios once. But yeah i mean, i was deeply depressed even then. Because i said, “i would rather die than eat.” And like, meant it. And i remember thinking i wished i could die, a lot. During this time. 

But yeah, though she like, was gentle with me (the principal) she was kind and listened to me talk, and like, got me talking in the first place. She was very empathic and, just gently guided me slowly to like, eating a cheerio. And then i ate a few more. And she reminded me like, i could die from this, my body could stop working. But i didn’t tell her i wanted to die, because i didn’t want her to think i was crazy. 

And eventually what she said would happen did happen because, i didn’t have anyone at home helping me like she did... someone to be understanding. Muy parents actually just used force and like, blamed me for it or like, made me ashamed about it or beat me up for it. Like, basically thinking i was fucking, moronic that i could eat a damn bag of cheerios and just getting frustrated and yelling at me. They didn’t understand the disorder, or how mental disorders work. Or know anything about mental health really. They would hold their own drinking over my head and say things like, “if you don’t eat, then i get to drink and drive with you drunk in the backseat ha ha” like they were sadistic about it. And i was like NO please don’t when you drive drunk its really scary please dont drink anymore or like “if you eat i promise i wont drink” but it was fucked up because I *couldn’t* eat dude. I wanted to so badly like, I tried. But it just, i couldn’t. 

It did get to the point they were shoving spaghetti down my throat with a funnel. And i was crying and screaming and they’re like holding me down. And eventually i was hospitalized because my heart just gave out. Not enough, shit to live off of in my body you know. 

And yeah then i had a nice and cool near death experience when i was 12 because of that. But then after that i got even more depressed and had like a full tilt existential crisis because it like altered the way i saw all of life completely and everything felt meaningless and i felt detached or like i couldn’t engage the same anymore. Like, i used to be “in” my life and now i was like, just “watching” it go by. And i felt like the things people concerned themselves with in the scop of death were, trivial. I realized. You know.... it was just too much to see too soon. Too young to like, grapple with that i guess. And so i just kind of shut myself off and get really depressed and didn’t understand what was going on but, when i isolated i felt better because i didnt have to think abou tit and i could escape into video games on my couch and pretend to be sick so i didnt’ have to go to school. 

And then the, obsession with food transferred over to, obsession with, escape and i started doing drugs shortly there after. After I’d had enough with being depressed and decided i wanted to be “happier” like “everyone else” and feel “normal again.” And so i like... went to weed of course. And by the time i was 16 i was like nose diving into drugs. And by the time i was 18, i left home with some dude who, took decent care of me and we had fun together, we were both young and adventurous or whatever and liked, to get high and just, experience life in the moment. It was fun or whatever but, it stopped being fun when he started losing his fucking mind. He turned out to be a controlling psycho who wound up trying to kill me. The relationship had a lot of darkness to it and it became like toxic and just torture. Hell. And so i had to get out. He was hurting me, he had done things to me, no one would do to the person they loved. He tried to kill me. It was, a lot. A lot. A lotttt. So i kind of “escaped” by the fucking skin of my teeth out of mexico and made it home. 

I didn’t want to be there because, our relationship was terrible i mean, obviously. My parents beat the living daylights out of me growing up to the point DCF came to my house three times. But yeah, it was about to get worse. I kind of slept in bed for three months in this weird depressive state where i like, wasn’t doing anything or thinking about anything. After my parents found out i was in a relationship with a girl, they kicked her out, and disowned me. So that was fun. And then I was homeless. 

Lots of people tried to rape me during this time so that was fun and I slept on the fucking floor of a trap house and uh park benches or just, the ground. And uh... couch to couch. Kindness of strangers. Literally. Uh, i got high a lot, and drunk a lot. Like constantly. Because i was just fucked up about being disowned and shit. 

And then my grandmother reached out to me and was like “you’re really fucked up, i heard your parents disowned you. But let me fix you. I’ll take you in. You stay clean, go to school, go to church. I’ll give you a place to stay but you have to pay me a little rent money.” And i was like sweet aight. Because the place i was in, at that time was very dangerous. Living with gang members and, people were breaking in and like trying to steal from us at night or asking for drugs and, one of these days... shit was going to go real bad. I needed to get outta there. Plus the floor smelled like piss, it was pissed on. It was really a disgusting place like, the most disgusting thing. Leading up to it was a stairwell just covered in, grime, and, layers of thick just, black, i dont know. Gunk. And uh, graffiti, rust. Smelled like mold and cigarettes and beer, and homeless people’s piss. And, i had nothing. Nothing. Just the clothes on my back, some friends with motorcycles. And, we had no food. Like, i lived off of oranges a lot of the time when i was I homeless. The place was riddled with bugs, fleas. I had no bed. I just laid on the floor, high or drunk as fuck. And would call my girlfriend at the time and drunkenly tell her i love her over and over again. I dont’ know if she cared about the situation i was in. She never offered to help. 

I had my shit together with my grandmother for a bit, but. That came falling apart thanks to nice ol’ ptsd kicking in. I didn’t really realize i had it before this point but, once i moved out of her place and was living on my own in a dorm. I guess my brain finally decided to take a shit and let loose all the trauma I’d been suppressing. That did a number on me. Fell into substance abuse again trying to cope with the symptoms, plus i was dreary depressed and having lots of mental breakdowns, i was not in a good place mentally then. Really really bad. I was sad about having no parents, obviously. No family really. 

And so.... i went home to try and make things right but, this just made things worse. I shouldv’e just stayed away. I got too immeshed in trying to get my parents approval or try and make my family functional when it, just, isn’t. Eventually with all the arguments and fights, and their tight leash around my neck i just completely snapped under the pressure. They kept me locked in my room, literally. And yeah i just, broke. I told them to give me the keys to the car or i was goign to kill them? Don’t know why they believed i would but. My dad was like you son of a btich get back in your room and he went to get the belt to beat me with as i was looking for my car keys and trying to quickly make my escape the hell outta there. It was bad... everything they did to me during this time. 

Blanc said:

All three of these are related to childhood stories that i heard growing up, so it makes sense. My sister used to tell me about a woman with dark hair named “moaning Martha” who lived in our bath tub. Saying she had died in the house. I guess, maybe in order to conquer my fear of this imaginary horror story she told me to freak me out, i would have conversations with her when I was in the bath alone, to feel less scared and. Now she’s always around, if I’m scared. Like, I can talk to her.

 This is literally Harry Potters Moaning Myrtle and there's a scene where she's in the bathtub i just shdkdhdnd