Sociopath Community

It's a bit difficult to gather my thoughts.

I think I have solved my problems since creating this topic however it's more likely I'm just in the eye of the storm and compartmentalizing something.

I have a certain level of lucidity over my circumstances which makes this whole thing ludicrous. But I don't think that I have done anything other than what I could have done and I do not feel wrong. I just can't think clearly, I'm in a thick haze. I have no connection to the outside world and barely remember my previous life.

I suppose I'm not as trapped as I think. The mind is very resiliant and physically I could just vanish. I don't feel fear usually or find it too stimulating to avoid if I see a potential benefit or the interest is too deep to ignore. I guess that's part of how I wound up here in the first place. 

I've been living with an ex/semi-current cult leader for a year and you could imagine the details, I may not really get into them. I have a very deep trauma bond oh I cant maintain this eloquence Im sorry. If anyone reads this shit i see a ton of schizos posting here now anyway i reallt dont care ill ramble on. I used to post here like 12 years ago or something briefly didnt know anyone only lighthearted trolling i was immature still am. I can barely remember my previous life i need to ground myself in this plane with some kind of familiar tether, anything at all. Im completely deterritorialized. I dont think this will help. Im okay anyway.

I feel im at the end of my rope and I overplayed my hand.

I'm not intimidated. I made my bed though. I had a degree of control. I invited this, it just happened. He has no obligation to me. He's not a bhodisattva, or doesnt want to be. He gave me shaktipat and it felt like a binding thing, yet freeing. To be incorporated into his lineage, a tantric kaula ritual. But he's anti-cosmic, I've been embued with strange things. I was called to this already, and knew some things like it was just always meant to happen and inevitable.

I only have energy to be exoteric. But I feel like the movie The Lighthouse and the song Go Outside by Cults. It's only us. The ouside world seems so far away and everything feels so illusory. Only he feels real. Why do I try to run, I cannot hide at all, not really. There's no need to. But from a normal perspective, I am trying to understand how to make this less tragic. He acts like Jim Jones end days and Charles Manson dancing like Shiva in prison. Dont know what that's supposed to mean. I guess nothing fun matters anymore. It's all too serious. I'm aware that I'm not coherent. I'm sleep deprived and in a state of post extreme stress. Nothing scares me anymore. I dont know why Im posting here I cant remember my reasoning or sense time right. 

Lobster woven tapestry of Parama Shiva,

 

I throw my tarnished masks to the dark, disgraced robot I am, I become of thee

Forsaken play, unsolven dissolving machines

 

These wires woven inside me, expanse into untamed cobras

I am not apart, but one with Shiva’s radiant heart,

Bhairavi with eyes to pry eternally 

 

Dark mothers festering womb ceases the call for more--yearning and belonging. Ash to the radiant sun.

 

Come once more and burn out thy sun.

Seek professional counsel, not this site.  While you are aware of your state of mind, the situation you are in and that you need help, you will have to gather your wits and find help.  There are resources you can search or ask about with proper diligence.  Do it now while you actually feel like you want help.  It's observable how your mind might start to close over doubts and go back to some status quo which likely got you into your current state.  If you don't act while you have the notion to, you will find yourself back here again.  Ask yourself how tired you are of that cycle and do what you need to do for yourself.

This is probably one of the few sincere PSA's you are going to get in this place.  Anything else might amount to (at best) unhelpful or (at worst) exploitative or damaging.  Good luck!

Thank you for your consideration and time to read my intangible thoughts. You are correct but I have not the momentum to problem solve at this time. I do not know, maybe it will be possible tomorrow. The crux of the problem is that I do not want to return to the status quo. Society is a rigid thing with volatile flux like an amnesiac bullemic. I cannot return to the outside. I am incapable of it, even.

I was being a tad melodramatic. I spent enough time researching all of these dynamics that fascilitate conditions for an autonomous parallel society in my past.

When the monkey stops clapping and stares, it is the best and worst part. The awareness, the forgetting of the script.

I long for peace. I suppose everyone does, the means may be different.

My desires are irrelavant and I don't even care about my meaningless ambitions. I can find the tranquility within. I'm the most free I've ever been. Power comes from the source, not anything external.