Sociopath Community

"Hi, I just want you to know that I'm here for you. If you want to go out or do something special don't hesitate to ask, it would be my treat."

talk about other things than the operation

Jada said: 

I have a friend who received some bad news from a doctor. She's going to have to go through a risky medical procedure.

I'm not entirely sure how to react. On the one hand, she's a bit withdrawn, I.e., not very responsive.

Last time I chatted with her, she was eager to shut down conversation. I want to respect that.

On the other hand, I've now taken the approach of basically not messaging her, which seems kind of a disk move to someone who's going through a tough time.

I've known this person for over 10 years, and we are good friends. I'm not good at handling issues like these however. Whenever one of my friends' family members die or they get into serious trouble, I tend to ignore them, and then they tend to think I'm kind of an ass for abandoning them when they need a friend. It has happened a million times.

What's your advice?

Ditch. 

She doesn't want you around and she doesn't want to think more of you than she already does. Maybe because you're some married guy. She'd rather spend time with someone who can hold her in some warm embrace without it feeling wrong or awkward. 

If we were tolerant enough to keep certain types of people as associates, for example some autistic asshole with a loose tongue who often annoys, ( I have a friend like that ) we won't want to see that person by our deathbed. It might not be the case with you and her but, she wants you away. 

What separates her trauma from your other friends and family ? If your distressed lady friend has a sense that you're making this episode about you, or about you and her, she'll prefer an empty void. 

Yes Ditch. If she sees you again before her surgery, things won't be so good between the two of you if she survives. Is she really your good friend ? 

Is she really your good friend ?

Interesting take, thanks.

Is she really a good friend? Not by my metric. But then again, neither am I.

However, the last time around, the reaction from my other friend was scorn when I fucked off the moment they got into trouble. I don't know how to deal with these things. It seems like no matter what I do, it's the wrong choice. Maybe people just love to burn bridges when they encounter issues. I've always dealt with my issues by myself, but only because I see those around me as helpless compared to me.

So you'd say just continue to ignore? If I analyse this as a 2x2 outcome matrix, I don't see what I can gain by ignoring her. What you said about her practically considering me a shitbag friend encourages me even more not to ignore her. It's something like:

|             | Considers me a shit bag | Does not consider me a shit bag |
| Ignore | No change                       | No change                                      |
| Chat     | Ghosts me for eternity   | No change                                     |

It seems to me like chat is the correct option. In this case, if I choose the option to chat, then I have the potential to find out that she considers me a shit bag and I can simply not have her as a friend any longer. It seems like a win to me.

Or are you saying that by chatting, I risk her changing her opinion of me as a friend into a shit bag? Otherwise, I am inclined to choose the most profitable route.

cx3 said: 

"Hi, I just want you to know that I'm here for you. If you want to go out or do something special don't hesitate to ask, it would be my treat."

That was the open door invitation I gave her just now.

Tryptamine said: 

talk about other things than the operation

If she takes the invite, I will. Thanks.

Cancer?

How would you respond to rejection in this case?

How would I respond? It depends on the reason I guess.

If I was going through a risky medical procedure, I wouldn't want people to hang around with me. I'd probably reject any help, because I'd feel they're doing it as a favor to me, and it'd feel bothersome. Id much more likely rant about it here. Maybe someone casually checking in would be nice. So how would I react if she did the same thing I'd do? Probably acknowledge it?

However, she volunteered the information. She told me that she got bad news from her doctor, and that she's going through a medical procedure. I wouldn't tell people. I didnt ask her. So I took it as her reaching out. If I didn't want to talk about my problems I wouldn't mention them in the first place. However, now that she mentioned the issue, I feel obligated to ask/offer help.

It's kind of like if you walk to a cashier and they ask you "how's your day?" and you go "I just got a divorce and lost all my money", the next thing coming out of the other person's mouth probably shouldn't be "ok that's nice, have a nice day".

Surely these concepts are not alien to you people.

kuhne said: 

Cancer?

 I dont know.

If your wife isn't a common friend, she's probably not going to like you showing concern. It is another woman after all. 

My GF attended the funeral of some guy I never got along with who killed himself. The amount of times she brought up his name to me a year before his death is enough for every finger on one hand.  

My thoughts ?

"Okay whatever lady, go to the funeral. Don't go crying now."

HA HA HA. It's pretty funny now.