Sociopath Community

Turncoat said: 

Jada said: 

It wasnt always downward slope. I was great in my 20s, full of potential. Now I've wasted those golden years and they're not coming back.

Did you really experience nothing during that time?

I got laid, got a wife, did some physics, moved countries, got a job. Pretty much sums it up.

It's not nothing, but I feel I've made so many mistakes and wrong turns. I should've played my cards differently. One of the good things was leaving my country.

An old dog wont learn new tricks. Your greatest achievements come between 23 and 26.

Depends on the job, some find their accomplishments in their 40s, especially if the job requires a doctorate.

Nah even if it does, mostly 20s. My job requires doctorate. Almost every great physicist, 20s.

What I want now is meaning and a new community.

Come on now, you've wanted that for a while.

Hahaha. Ok, yes.

I get the same headaches from insomnia. Wait for 5-10 years. It gets worse. I eat healthy and exercise.

I take asprin and ginger. 🤷

Does ginger help or is it one of those blind religious things?

I tried fasting, but it makes it worse.

But I can see things slipping. What used to be easy is becoming harder. I also learn new things slower. I'm becoming complacent. You perhaps dont see it but it's there.

I've seen old people pride how the handicap makes it "worth it", why not live up to that model rather than lament losing access to what was once easy? 

I'm grumpy and disappointed. I'll probably get over it. Or find a way to live forever.

Jada said: 

Turncoat said: 

Jada said: 

It wasnt always downward slope. I was great in my 20s, full of potential. Now I've wasted those golden years and they're not coming back.

Did you really experience nothing during that time?

I got laid, got a wife, did some physics, moved countries, got a job. Pretty much sums it up.

It's not nothing, but I feel I've made so many mistakes and wrong turns. I should've played my cards differently. One of the good things was leaving my country.

What makes this not enough for you? 

An old dog wont learn new tricks. Your greatest achievements come between 23 and 26.

Depends on the job, some find their accomplishments in their 40s, especially if the job requires a doctorate.

Nah even if it does, mostly 20s. My job requires doctorate. Almost every great physicist, 20s.

So people who find their path in their 40s don't count? 

I get the same headaches from insomnia. Wait for 5-10 years. It gets worse. I eat healthy and exercise.

I take asprin and ginger. 🤷

Does ginger help or is it one of those blind religious things?

I've had good experiences with it when it comes to problems of the inner ear. I generally used it for car and plane rides but sometimes it's helpful for other problems, like now. 

I tried fasting, but it makes it worse.

Did you at least drink water? 

Ginger as a cure. For me its long hot showers and tea. Those are ny magic potions. Who taught you the ginger trick? Mine was invented by grandma.

I also learned other stuff from my grandparents. Its funny how when you grow up and see all these similarities with your parents and grandparents, you realize just how much your choices and your personality is influenced by others with you thinking it was all your choice.

But yeah, I drank water during fasts. Actually, coca cola zero. I started a bad habit.

I guess my achievements dont count over the suvjective feeling of not having achieved enough. I have no standard if I don't believe in God beyond 'being happy', and I'm not. I feel I should have done more and changed the Universe for the better. But all I can do is watch and be caged by social rules, like a helpless monkey.

Jada said:

But yeah, I drank water during fasts. Actually, coca cola zero. I started a bad habit.

That's not really fasting then, is it? 

I feel I should have done more and changed the Universe for the better. But all I can do is watch and be caged by social rules, like a helpless monkey.

Why change anything, and why do it on such a grand scale? 

Couldn't improving someone's day count as 'changing the universe'? 

I want my life to have some deeper meaning. I feel like I'm pretty insignificant in the grander scheme of things, and it both depresses and liberates me. Depresses in that whatever I do doesn't matter, and liberates in that whatever fuck ups I make, they don't really matter either.

I'm aware of this school of thought that you can make your own meaning for life. I also know about divine meaning. Many philosophies try to tackle the problem from different perspectices.

Personally, I'm starting to lean towards a view where you not only can make your own meaning for life but you're FORCED to, if you want your life to have meaning and don't buy into what some would call religious bullshit (and I would call divine revelation). The philosophy simply does not resonate with me.

So I'm left with looking to science to derive meaning in my life. But we all know that doesn't work. Science is descriptive. It doesn't hold an opinion. It just says what is. Also, from a scientific perspective, we're so inaignificant. How could making someone's day better matter except in a vague subjective sense?

Holy shit, cheer the fuck up, Legga! 

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but how much better would you feel if you just made a decision to stop taking life and indeed yourself so seriously? Like, just accepting it is what it is, nobody in this lifetime will no for certain the meaning of life and why we’re here so just decide to be happy, have fun, pursue what interests you and do some good where you can? 

Your suggestion doesn't work, lady. I'm done with being an airhead.

When I was 19, I decided that life was a game, carpe diem, all that, and I lived with no care for 4 years. I tried to fuck everything that moved, lied, gave all my money to charity, volunteered, risked my life on whims, learned to act, wrote stories, quit my job, moved from one thing to another and from one place to the next, fucking everyone around me. It was perhaps the best time of my life, and I could do it because I felt like I had nothing to lose.

4 years in, I woke up to the emptiness of it all, I realized I wanted purpose and community and decided I was fed up with it all. Most of my interactions with people were empty and without depth, I had nothing to look forward to beyond the next dopamine hit, and most importantly I was a broken person without purpose and without God.

The whole carpe diem nonsense can go suck my dick, I want purpose.

What do you have against airheads? 

Turncoat said: 

What do you have against airheads? 

 The candy?

Jada said: 

Your suggestion doesn't work, lady. I'm done with being an airhead.

When I was 19, I decided that life was a game, carpe diem, all that, and I lived with no care for 4 years. I tried to fuck everything that moved, lied, gave all my money to charity, volunteered, risked my life on whims, learned to act, wrote stories, quit my job, moved from one thing to another and from one place to the next, fucking everyone around me. It was perhaps the best time of my life, and I could do it because I felt like I had nothing to lose.

4 years in, I woke up to the emptiness of it all, I realized I wanted purpose and community and decided I was fed up with it all. Most of my interactions with people were empty and without depth, I had nothing to look forward to beyond the next dopamine hit, and most importantly I was a broken person without purpose and without God.

The whole carpe diem nonsense can go suck my dick, I want purpose.

 Why do you feel like you don’t have that purpose and community already though? I mean, from the sounds of it, you’ve got an interesting job, a wife, your faith etc, what is it you actually want that’s missing from that picture?