you can write as many novels as you want. the fact is you claimed u had a dead brother to outshine someone else talking about their issues. it was solely to gain control and have the attention on you. and you don't even have a fucking brother lmao
you also used to make up abuse stories about your dad, so this is clearly a running pattern for you. you make things up for attention which many histrionic types do.
So I was watching this video
When someone with a debilitating trauma disorder talks about “the worst form of dissociation” they’ve experienced and to me on the scale of dissociation things I’ve experienced, that was at level one out of ten, one being the least severe.
Hi. I just want to understand what you're saying. If you're referring to the video you shared, do you mean the "grey amnesia" they're talking about is level 1 dissociation to you? And if so, what is a level 5 and 10 for you? It seems like the next step (level 2) would be black out amnesia and I can't imagine it going further than that.
I experience what I consider a low level of dissociation almost constantly, all day, every day, which I think of as being one step behind myself or one step away from being completely lucid or "in the present moment." It only gets worse if I end up outside my window of tolerance or if something specifically triggers my trauma, and I only come out of it for moments at a time sometimes randomly, because something out of the ordinary surprises me, or because I take time to meditate (which doesn't work every time).
However, when I was younger I was frequently experiencing more extreme dissociation and derealization, so I categorized dissociation in steps away from being fully connected to my body and reality with fully detaching from/leaving your body and amnesia being at the worst end of it.
Sorry to hear you deal with that in such a chronic way.
I would consider the highest level of dissociation a fugue state
Okay the first point I was trying to make but it got like missed somehow because I wasn’t writing it very clear so let me just like try to write it again I’m more clearly
As a disclaimer sort of the first thing I wrote is, I don’t want to invalidate others traumas here. I really don’t see it that way! And everyone’s. Experience with traumas and trauma symptoms and how they perceive where they fall on severity is completely unique and subjective. Everyone’s experiences with trauma symptoms are completely unique and valid.
I want to make it really clear like; this really wasn’t about the trauma symptoms scale or comparing that wasn’t the point of the post
it was just the origination for the line of thought I was having basically reflecting on like; coming to the realization I genuinely didn’t think my problems were “that bad” or “bad ENOUGH” to be considered valid enough to be cosndidered severe or warrant disability
And then people who are really open about being debilitated by their mental health struggles and the difficulties they have navigating life due to them- talk about their symptoms and I’m like oh that??? Yeah, I know what that is
like to recognize a symptom I experienced in myself, in someone else, and to realize that I’ve always seen that person as so valid in what they go through, and then to reflect back to myself like bitch why don’t you think you’re valid? If you think they’re valid and you literally exeperiende the same shit as them, why are you telling yourself it’s not that bad or you’re not valid enough to talk about it or to be debilitated by jt
i was forcing myself and stressing myself to be “normal as possible” when I literally couldn’t be that at that time and like, reallt just being so hard on myself about it for absolutely no reason.
it just, these creators symptoms reallt do provide context or leeway for me to be more forgiving and patient with myself because I can’t see myself like that for whatever reaso. Like I’m how I see them
I’m not meaning to say this is more severe, I’m just saying, me too. I have those things too. I get it and. I brushed it all off when I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t be invalidating myself anymore. Or punishing myself be with gmtsekd up for the times where I struggle.
Befause I see what they go through as really difficult and hard. And yet, don’t like, tell that to myself. It’s impossible for me to see that on myself if that makes sense.
But it provides perspective. The creators, content. It helps provide perspective and insight.
that’s really mrke what this was was like an insight thought rant stream of consciousness about trauma disorder symptoms and the complexity of self perception when you have a trauma disorder
Even the way you perceive your own disorder is distorted or like, not mentally congruent with what reality is. If that makes any sense.
I apologize for being dumb
What would be amazing is you just talking, real time, in a regular way.
Hahah me??
I would love to do that but I actually am terrible at public speaking so it would take a bit if refining and practice to do it fluidly or perhaps just do the work and edit out the parts where I fumble over my words or lose my train of thought
I am not as able to focus and think so clearly the way I can when I write and how I communicate when I write is more clear than how I communicate when I just talk
so that’s why I have always written or turned to like choosing to write rather than talking it’s hard to explain but it actually like something about it opens up something inside me and allows me to think in ways I actually don’t think when I’m just sitting there in normal real time
writing is almost a transcendental experience for me and that’s why I’ve always done it. It like, unlocks stuff
bur yeah, I think if I was given some topics or gathered some topics so o could feel a bit more collected and then get into like what I’m thinking about I could try to get in the habit of talking my thoughts out loud
It’s also easier when it’s a two sided conversation you know and you have things to bounce off of I gues as well
talking would be better for the reader because it’s far more interesting to have a face to look at and to hear and listen a long while you do other things than forced to read walls of silent text with no personality
The reason why I even started talking about all this again is because I am approaching closure or what I believe will be the final chapter of my young adult life healing journey story
it’s been a very like full circle thing going on
Basically my appointment with my what I believe will be my final psychiatrist of my young adult life, and will be the moment I finally reach like total closure with all of this stuff for real- it’s approaching. The appointment is tomorrow actually lol
so it’s been on my mind and because I’ve always talked about it here and taken you all on my entire journey through all of this stuff from the very beginning it just almost feels right that I would come here to “finish” what I started and continue updating here
its like, an emotional place of comfort for me as well and gives me like, strength in a weird way going into all of it so it’s not so scary
it’s like something I need to do in order to reframe it so it’s like “yay this is my cool healing journey” rather than like something negative
it feels very forward moving and also… gives me this peace of like reminding myself I can always be here for my own self in this way I am capable of being strong for myself
I need me to be there for me and by making me do the writing on the page thing it like reminds me of a part of myself I otherwise wouldn’t be aware of who is like, capable of handling it
wnd it’s also just cathartic but part of me wants to like document things a lot because I actually forget everything all the time, deal with a bit of state dependent memory, and so it’s like, what if I get in a not so good head space and forget all of this nice stuff I was thinking? So I write it down lol
I have this notion that if I write it I will actually be able to like internalize and remember it better rather than it being a passing thought that was just nice, I can really internalize it and like know it and then grow from it and stay, levelled up from it
Instead of potentially regressing due to memory failure
Okay the first point I was trying to make but it got like missed somehow because I wasn’t writing it very clear so let me just like try to write it again I’m more clearly
For anyone who read it wasn't easy to miss, your intentions and feelings are clear no matter how many times you try to rewrite it until it's not pure anymore.
You saw people struggling, you felt your "What About Me" sensation, and you wrote about it with a 1 through 10 scaling. You have attempted to invert failure as it's own measure of success, and feel like you're "better" than them through that metric.
