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Posts: 153
1 votes RE: Hi.
Chaotik said: 
Tryp said: 

You sound depressed and alienated.

 Pretty much. one of my friends wants me to save up and move to her state and go to her university. I want to, I just have paranoia over fucking up, and shit. I have my own fears of being a burden to her and her friends, but I intend on going it's just a matter if I can actually progress forward. So far it seems that way in regards to education. Holding a job has been the issue. 

I take it university is something you see as either a new start, or an escape from the present listlessness. Plunging into a new environment and immersing in it's a good way to jolt the brain...you shouldn't worry about being a burden, they wouldn't talk you up into this if they didn't want you there. Your apprehension & anxiety is probably an obstacle; I noticed that you express uncertainty in almost every sentence. Maybe it's more justifiable than I get the sense of. But even if school doesn't work out and neither do the friendships, you're still in a new place with new options.

Have you tried different fields of work? I get very restless being stuck in the same 9-5, so I've tried different fields from fast food to security to telemarketing to factory work. Usually I can only do something for so long before either the monotony gets to me, or the anger and annoyance at people around me. At least until I get to the work I actually want to be doing. But until then, I just show up on time, never call off, etc., to offset the sporadic work history.

Posts: 686
0 votes RE: Hi.

Trypt has a point... A change of scenery will be good for you. So will banging girls.

However... You keep going on and on about changing things for yourself. My mental health is suffering because of your.... incompetence and laziness. I'm very afraid of being disappointed by you. Which I am. I find your behavior unacceptable. Once you get people's hopes up, you need to take responsibility for meeting those expectations. But it's a constant cartwheel of "I want to do this but I cant uwuwuwu" for you. Ad infinitum. Goes on forever.

This is why I feel so lonely. Everyone except me is all talk and no action. It'

Buttered Toast: (Lolling at a German dude's English grammar)
Posts: 861
0 votes RE: Hi.
Tryp said: 
Chaotik said: 
Tryp said: 

You sound depressed and alienated.

 Pretty much. one of my friends wants me to save up and move to her state and go to her university. I want to, I just have paranoia over fucking up, and shit. I have my own fears of being a burden to her and her friends, but I intend on going it's just a matter if I can actually progress forward. So far it seems that way in regards to education. Holding a job has been the issue. 

I take it university is something you see as either a new start, or an escape from the present listlessness. Plunging into a new environment and immersing in it's a good way to jolt the brain...you shouldn't worry about being a burden, they wouldn't talk you up into this if they didn't want you there. Your apprehension & anxiety is probably an obstacle; I noticed that you express uncertainty in almost every sentence. Maybe it's more justifiable than I get the sense of. But even if school doesn't work out and neither do the friendships, you're still in a new place with new options.

Have you tried different fields of work? I get very restless being stuck in the same 9-5, so I've tried different fields from fast food to security to telemarketing to factory work. Usually I can only do something for so long before either the monotony gets to me, or the anger and annoyance at people around me. At least until I get to the work I actually want to be doing. But until then, I just show up on time, never call off, etc., to offset the sporadic work history.

 New slate, and escape from this area yea, I find myself uncertain in things because I fear fucking up and snapping. I haven't had too much experience to try different fields, but I am going to apply at a place a friend I knew from high school works at, and hopefully I'll be able to keep it if there's someone to talk to, it's a something different too, since I'd be helping produce plastics, rather than work at walmart, which helped sent me to a ward because of how disillusioned I became. 

While, I'm in college, I technically have 3 weeks left to do online work, that I'm a bit behind on, so I need to force myself to get it done before time runs out. My lack of motivation and time management has been so bad, I find it hard to participate in hobbies, or social things online with friends I know, I can't bring myself to enjoy much, and because of this terrible management of my life, my own health and hygiene suffer too.

 

tpp said: 

Trypt has a point... A change of scenery will be good for you. So will banging girls.

However... You keep going on and on about changing things for yourself. My mental health is suffering because of your.... incompetence and laziness. I'm very afraid of being disappointed by you. Which I am. I find your behavior unacceptable. Once you get people's hopes up, you need to take responsibility for meeting those expectations. But it's a constant cartwheel of "I want to do this but I cant uwuwuwu" for you. Ad infinitum. Goes on forever.

This is why I feel so lonely. Everyone except me is all talk and no action. It'

 You're right, it is Ad Infinitvm and the fact that there are those who I would've imagined below me able to still progress in existence it drives me bonkers. It's been 3 years of stagnation. 3 years. Three years. I have this weird quest, and I am an ignorant man, and the chances of me achieving it anytime soon is slim, but as I said with psychedelics. I'd prefer it decide my fate. Whether it be a good trip, and I see the visions, and be granted my true destiny, or to have a bad trip, regress further, and potentially kill myself. The lines of what my mind considers edgy jokes, and reality continues to be blurred, as I am just a mentally ill edgy young adult that concerns himself over how much time is left to do, shit, and how the world may go to shit, and whether or not to embrace destruction or to try to achieve greatness, learn to be self-sufficient, and all the necessities to form a new society. (This is based in certainty, as you should know, it matters not if I were to die or not if what I even say at this moment is of coherence.)

A while back, I almost entered the military, and I'm glad I didn't. Not sure if I'd be alive if I did. If anyone cared to remember they might recognize who I am, but it matters now, as this is my name now. Apologies, as anything I was trying to say is just ramblings and my mind is all over the place. 

I just want the confusion to stop, I want to know who I am. I want to construct who I am. I want to be something. I feel like tv static of constant blaring nothingness, it's why everything gets annoying when I have conflicting thoughts and desires. Ad Infinitvm. Lest I enter Saevitvm Delirivm 

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Posts: 153
0 votes RE: Hi.
Chaotik said:

 New slate, and escape from this area yea, I find myself uncertain in things because I fear fucking up and snapping. I haven't had too much experience to try different fields, but I am going to apply at a place a friend I knew from high school works at, and hopefully I'll be able to keep it if there's someone to talk to, it's a something different too, since I'd be helping produce plastics, rather than work at walmart, which helped sent me to a ward because of how disillusioned I became.

I also worked at a Walmart, that was a pretty interesting experience. What happened there?

 

Chaotik said:
While, I'm in college, I technically have 3 weeks left to do online work, that I'm a bit behind on, so I need to force myself to get it done before time runs out. My lack of motivation and time management has been so bad, I find it hard to participate in hobbies, or social things online with friends I know, I can't bring myself to enjoy much, and because of this terrible management of my life, my own health and hygiene suffer too.

I found myself in that situation during college as well. Looking back, I just wanted to be at college; I wasn't really interested in or passionate about a career outcome. If you find yourself not getting work done because you don't actually care enough to do it, best to pull the plug earlier rather than later with more debt stacked up.

Posts: 861
0 votes RE: Hi.
Tryp said:
I also worked at a Walmart, that was a pretty interesting experience. What happened there?

 I didn't last there long, only about 2 weeks really, it was a store that was heavily understaffed, and originally I was on as a stocker for 14 an hour, but they lied and changed it, told me that job offer was no longer available despite being accepted on for it, then got made to do 11 an hour in the clothing department, but was never actually in the clothing department, I was just made to do stocking, and zoning, and then told me I have to maintain the paint, hunting, and fabric section all at once, while stocking and making sure products where they needed to be, so essentially they wanted me to be able to issue hunting/fishing license, sell paint, and cut fabric while making sure my carts are done and ofc customers constantly nagging me about shit I have no clue about since I'm new, and all alone. If a customer needed something I had no clue to do, I'd have to wander the store aimlessly until I found a staff member that could actually help. 

I'm willing to admit that while I didn't live in luxury, I got to be lazy a good portion of life, and so maybe I didn't have enough will, but that job to me was exhausting, my feet would have blisters and be sore, since I have deformed feet, and I'd have to come home to my waste of a space brother who acts like a man child, and after a little over a week of that, I said fuck it, and almost committed suicide since I already had other shit in life eating at me, and it was walmart that broke me. I went to a ward for 5 days, they did nothing to help me with my issues, and I consider it getting screwed over, while I watched those in there who were worse off than me bullied and treated like trash. 


During my time in the ward though, I was pretty manic (Idk if that is actually applicable but, its the word that best describes it) My roommate was terrified of me and thought I was going to kill him in his sleep because I was laughing so much and felt great, he was a guy with anger issues and autism. On my second day I believe, a 7 ft schizophrenic guy named Bruce entered and was threating to kill a nurse and I fucking died laughing, the shit he'd say would make me just laugh and I couldn't control myself, my roommate pleaded me to stop, and I couldn't. My laughing made my roommate laugh, and my roommate was scared of Bruce. Bruce came over to me, and threatened to kill me which made me laugh even more, and then him and I started laughing together. He was a cool guy, all the schizophrenics were pretty fucking amazing, and when I saw how the staff treated them, it made me want to kill them. 

Tryp said:
I found myself in that situation during college as well. Looking back, I just wanted to be at college; I wasn't really interested in or passionate about a career outcome. If you find yourself not getting work done because you don't actually care enough to do it, best to pull the plug earlier rather than later with more debt stacked up.

 It's mainly the IT classes I don't care for, the rest I do with ease, I'm going to try to save up money to transfer to another community college in the state my friend wants me to go to, because if I get accepted there, they have a program that garuantees admission into the university. I don't have passion for IT, but I do dream of computer science and going into the development of artificial intelligence. 

last edit on 11/28/2021 4:08:09 AM
Posts: 861
0 votes RE: Hi.

I have an alternate plan that involves me getting into exercise, saving up money, learning Russian, and just enlisting in the russian military since politically speaking, I prefer it over my own nation's but yea, just as means to adventure and citizenship, then I'd travel across Eurasia, visit Iran to eat a Bobby Sands Burger, and go visit central asia to watch the World Nomad Games to see based horseback competitions. I'd love to visit China and Vietnam, just see the world until I decide I've had enough and blow my brains out. 

last edit on 11/28/2021 4:18:25 AM
Posts: 686
0 votes RE: Hi.

.....You couldn't handle a wallmart job.

I have worked at a supermarket. I've worked as a mailman. As a sound manager at a stadium. With a telephone company. In the army. Every one of those experiences.... Super easy compared to what I did later in life.

You are... a spoiled brat. Army would do good for you...

Continue dreaming without ever taking action. It's nice to have daydreams. The difference between me and people like you is that I take action to achieve those dreams. That's why I'm where I am and you are where you are.

Buttered Toast: (Lolling at a German dude's English grammar)
Posts: 686
0 votes RE: Hi.
During my time in the ward though, I was pretty manic (Idk if that is actually applicable but, its the word that best describes it) My roommate was terrified of me and thought I was going to kill him in his sleep because I was laughing so much and felt great, he was a guy with anger issues and autism. On my second day I believe, a 7 ft schizophrenic guy named Bruce entered and was threating to kill a nurse and I fucking died laughing, the shit he'd say would make me just laugh and I couldn't control myself, my roommate pleaded me to stop, and I couldn't. My laughing made my roommate laugh, and my roommate was scared of Bruce. Bruce came over to me, and threatened to kill me which made me laugh even more, and then him and I started laughing together. He was a cool guy, all the schizophrenics were pretty fucking amazing, and when I saw how the staff treated them, it made me want to kill them.

Lol that's pretty funny.

Buttered Toast: (Lolling at a German dude's English grammar)
Posts: 861
0 votes RE: Hi.
tpp said: 
During my time in the ward though, I was pretty manic (Idk if that is actually applicable but, its the word that best describes it) My roommate was terrified of me and thought I was going to kill him in his sleep because I was laughing so much and felt great, he was a guy with anger issues and autism. On my second day I believe, a 7 ft schizophrenic guy named Bruce entered and was threating to kill a nurse and I fucking died laughing, the shit he'd say would make me just laugh and I couldn't control myself, my roommate pleaded me to stop, and I couldn't. My laughing made my roommate laugh, and my roommate was scared of Bruce. Bruce came over to me, and threatened to kill me which made me laugh even more, and then him and I started laughing together. He was a cool guy, all the schizophrenics were pretty fucking amazing, and when I saw how the staff treated them, it made me want to kill them.

Lol that's pretty funny.

 Okay okay, it came off as retarded, but like there'd be times where he'd say shit that idk how anyone couldnt laugh, he randomly walked over to the chairs, sat down, and said "I'm retarded" out loud. 

There was another schizo who was screaming at his mom on the phone telling her that joe biden is after him, and that he talked to him through the tv. 

Some guy had a copy of Captain Underpants and we wanted to convince Bruce that he was Captain Underpants, technically fucked shit, but I wasn't in my right mind. I was question reality and just made light of it all.

last edit on 11/28/2021 6:26:57 AM
Posts: 2504
0 votes RE: Hi.
Chaotik said: 
tpp said: 
During my time in the ward though, I was pretty manic (Idk if that is actually applicable but, its the word that best describes it) My roommate was terrified of me and thought I was going to kill him in his sleep because I was laughing so much and felt great, he was a guy with anger issues and autism. On my second day I believe, a 7 ft schizophrenic guy named Bruce entered and was threating to kill a nurse and I fucking died laughing, the shit he'd say would make me just laugh and I couldn't control myself, my roommate pleaded me to stop, and I couldn't. My laughing made my roommate laugh, and my roommate was scared of Bruce. Bruce came over to me, and threatened to kill me which made me laugh even more, and then him and I started laughing together. He was a cool guy, all the schizophrenics were pretty fucking amazing, and when I saw how the staff treated them, it made me want to kill them.

Lol that's pretty funny.

 Okay okay, it came off as retarded, but like there'd be times where he'd say shit that idk how anyone could laugh, he randomly walked over to the chairs, sat down, and said "I'm retarded" out loud. 

There was another schizo who was screaming at his mom on the phone telling her that joe biden is after him, and that he talked to him through the tv. 

Some guy had a copy of Captain Underpants and we wanted to convince Bruce that he was Captain Underpants, technically fucked shit, but I wasn't in my right mind. I was question reality and just made light of it all.

 ah takes me back to my own days in the institution.

also addy, is that you?

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