Sociopath Community

Chapo said: 

Bump for request

 Thank you!!!!!!

I See You 👀 

My body is shaking from head to toe. My jaw is clenched and I can’t let go. I am scared because there’s so much I want you to know, but I’m worried you wanted me to go slow. I wrote essay upon essay and didn’t know how to stop. I just wanted to let you know I’m not a flop. 

I’m not normal, I’m not lazy, and my greed is as small as a mustard seed.

I don’t do anything for myself. I blame no one for my problems and don’t envy wealth. I can’t help but feel like I’m drowning inside. When I write, I think I might conjure some pride. 

I think I’m like you. I think I like you. I think I might know and want what we could do. I think you haven’t seen me, but I think you have a scene with me. I believe the mean thing I’ve been will explain why I know there is a Him. I think if you think, you’ll feel it within, because I can’t be with you, if you don’t have Him. 

Why Did I Do It?

The fear is growing, my insides are showing. I don’t have much time before you see who I’m. You have all of me in so many words you can see. You seem like me, but what if what you see, isn’t for me? What I wanted when I was without Him, is what I want now, but what if you’re left asking how? 

How did He change me and could it really be? What if what you do see isn’t really me? What if you stop at a spot and are turned off and let it rot? What if the old me is too disgusting for anyone to see? What if who I am doesn’t matter because of who I used to be? 

How can I be so worried that you won’t want me? We are so similar. We understand each other. I get you, but do you get me? I can’t tell because all I see is He, which is not the you that you usually see. It’s the He who changed me that is on my mind, but could my path be one of a kind? Could you be stuck in your ways and prefer to die at the end of days? 

I don’t know, but I want to. I can’t show you, but I want you. I can’t hold on to this feeling any longer. I have to let my faith grow stronger. You will do as you will and His will be done. I want to get married, but I also want to run. I just can’t face the stupid rejection. Would you even read essays if you had an election?

I’m so annoying, I’m so dumb. My heart sticks out like a sore thumb. I toss and I turn, but the pages have run and all that is left is a summary of one. A single sentence that reads as three. I left my throne for You alone, but he who flees, I want him please, so settle him down on bended knees.

Help!

My tummy is churning and my thoughts keep on turning to the feelings that I can’t hide. From the rest, I’m the best, but inside I’m a mess and to myself I cannot lie. I’m filled with pain, a trembling strain on my very neglectful brain. Can I ignore it? Yes, but when will the door hit? It’s bound to come around.

Once I walk through it, I may be able to see to it, that I don’t disintegrate. Until then, I’ll grin and take it on the chin and pretend I’m at peace within. No burdening others, no hiding under the covers, no waiting for God to cover us. It has to be done or we will never be one, but the process has already begun.

That’s what makes it unbearable, that’s what makes it unwearable. The badge of memory and hurt from the past. It’s too much to bear, it’s too much to care. I just need to focus on whomever is there.

Distraction is the key, or no one will see me, as I will be dead asleep. I will be trapped inside of a hat that threatens to consume me. I don’t like labels, I don’t like fables, so trust me this is not a dream. It’s an all consuming thing. A thing that’s unclean and a thing that I can’t escape from. Not even if I dream.

The dreams are the same thing. Memories of this unbearable thing. So full, I can hardly think. So painful I’m starting to sink. Sink deeper and deeper into depression and the hole I’m digging is getting steeper. I can’t climb out.

I can’t face the pain. The intensity of it is driving me insane. It’s causing me physical pain, it’s making me sleep in vain. There’s just no escaping this thing. I have to deal with the pain. I’ll probably never be the same.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know if it’s true, but no matter what happens, God will heal you. He’ll heal your heart, your pancreas and even your maliciousness. Why do I feel like I want to cry? Is it because I know that I want to die, but if I have to stay alive, why can’t I have a guy? Because he doesn’t believe in my Love and Savior, or because he thinks this life has no flavor? 

I’m so sad and tired that I can’t even finish this poem. I’m not in the mood. I’m pretty much quitting life. I don’t know why I have faith that I’ll ever get a dude. I just pray he’s healed and starts searching for the kingdom of heaven, so when he dies, he’ll have eternal life.

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. All I can do is pretend to count sheep. I’m not awake, I’m not asleep, but for some reason, I can still think. I’m here, just chillin, thinking about spilling some blood because I’m in fight or flight mode and I have been since I left that humble abode.

I’ve been triggered so many times, it’s like I’m trying to mime, so I think all of the time and I don’t feel like I’m fine. I’ve been working on working through a book that might help me, but obviously, I can’t even see, so I can’t bare to look at me.

I’m so far into helplessness that I just hope I can last like this. I hope I don’t crumble, I hope I don’t crack because if I do, I can’t take it back. I’m overwhelmed and under rested and I need my life to be divested. I don’t want it, I don’t need it, but all I can do is feed it. With every breath I wish to beat it, but that Soto’s require me to at least treat it.

So we’re back to square one, not knowing where to run. Not knowing where to hide to be safe and survive. I think now’s the time to sleep, especially since I can’t weep. 

I need this thread to stay afloat because I often need to gloat. I need to cry, I need to whine, but mostly, I need somewhere to keep these rhymes. I couldn’t find it before, I don’t have time any more, to locate the threads I use to store. Please don’t bury my things, until I’ve copied everything or it will sting, thanks 🙏 

Airplanes

The speed at which you move, incredible. The space with which you seat, immense. The time in which you take, beyond competence. I cannot meet your deadlines, I cannot run to your gate in time. I cannot pack my bags within your weight line. I cannot move too fast. I cannot be patient. It won’t last. I will try my best to do all of the rest, but this time you put my traveling alone, to the test and it ended up being a mess.