Realizing that a big amount of personal deficiencies can be cured efficiently through humility, I also considered the possibility of being humble, or at least less arrogant and egotistical.
The reason why I did that, was because I noticed that my two biggest life failures, were in fact based on my ego.
I attempted many times to break it, soften it, minimize it, or at least contain it to the point where it doesn't imprison me and turns my decisions and reactions into impulse. Yet no matter what it always returns, and every time I add pressure. It returns stronger, more detached, and more aggressive.
Not only the injuring effect didn't stop it, it actually made it stronger. Slowly I catch myself moving past trivial provocations/baits/circumstances where I would feel the need to react to prove my superiority, which normally would be considered "maturity", but that's just a front. The real internal thought is"I am too superior for this cause numerous reasons"
I thought that, by reaching that stage, and at the same time allowing it to lead me into productive results. I could finally move on from my failures. Prove to myself that I "won".
The more it worked in my real life, from work, to gym, to studies, the more I felt empowered and the more that ego grew, bigger and bigger. Which was when it hit me.
Isn't that what "NPD's" do? Attempting to boost their superiority/ego to the point it blankets their fragility/regrets/pessimism/ inner nihilism?
If that's the case where's the fundamental different between me, and the NPD's I consider infinitely more inferior to me?
None really.
So I admit, and I won't take back my words. That many of my actions, including the chase of constant conflict, are in fact distractions from the real issue. Which is.
Regret.
I failed many times, not on my personal goals. But on other people.
I tried to help others, cure them, make them appreciate themselves, and my pressure and passion resulted in them feeling judged, criticized, and in some cases abused.
The results were, out of the 4 people I invested time, effort, and passion to assist. One is warded, the other one turned into a total slut, the other one is self harming, and the last one is in prison.
I still haven't forgiven myself over these failures, and I never will. And I am aware that humility and a logical conclusion as"you tried but it didn't work, you're not god, their lives/their choices not yours" or other forms of acceptance could grant me closure, but as a slave to my own pride I can't accept that.
I don't know if it is pure narcissism, ego, or arrogance that don't allow me to move on. What I know is that I read their messages, paragraphs upon paragraphs of genuine respect and admiration, that I failed miserably, and it's not my ego that gets wounded. But my very self esteem.
I will never move past that guilt, and I am fully aware of that.
The reason why I had this long ranting here, is due to how all these peasants dislike me. Hence this is the perfect place to provide a failure to be attacked for. I do such forms of redemption daily over my failures, as a form to pay courtesy to people that depended on me.
Yet despite all that, I still look at all 4 of them and refer to them as "garbage that wasted my time"
Pride always kicks in in the end. And it's a circle I can't break no matter what.
I desire to break that circle, without using stoicism/humility/ and that will be the final step of my evolution.
Lmao you're like Blanc Noir
