Sociopath Community

A side note to clarify this, I consider pride to be a standard that you're forced to uphold to, and others/yourself are subjects to that standard, irrelevant to "me me me my my my" or any form of self-absorbed attitudes. 

It's not ego/narcissism, but rather an ideal. It could be anyone else but it just happened to be me in this case, and so on and so on. Or you, or someone else.

To conclude, I very much doubt I will ever move on truly or forgive myself in any shape or form. Or that I will ever break the circle. And perhaps in a way, that's karma paying me back for my vanity and failures.

Who knows. Maybe this year I will find the solution.

1.5/10 as a provocation or a mocking tactic, mostly because you named yourself "regret" which implies you read my entire rant, or at least half of it.  (Indication you're feeling bitter/inferior) And because you should had posted this instead:

If I was provoking a narc who has such rants, I would add this gif and probably say "cool story bro, sob sob"

As my admirer and hater I am willing to teach you how to mock me properly. (Un ironically)

TLDR

If you read my entire book above, what makes you think I will believe you didn't read two sentences?

I thought I taught you better my little worshipper, why are you disappointing me?

I'm sure I'll regret replying to this seriously, but....

AizenTheTitanic said: 

Realizing that a big amount of personal deficiencies can be cured efficiently through humility, I also considered the possibility of being humble, or at least less arrogant and egotistical.

The reason why I did that, was because I noticed that my two biggest life failures, were in fact based on my ego. 

I attempted many times to break it, soften it, minimize it, or at least contain it to the point where it doesn't imprison me and turns my decisions and reactions into impulse. Yet no matter what it always returns, and every time I add pressure. It returns stronger, more detached, and more aggressive.

Not only the injuring effect didn't stop it, it actually made it stronger. Slowly I catch myself moving past trivial provocations/baits/circumstances where I would feel the need to react to prove my superiority, which normally would be considered "maturity",  but that's just a front. The real internal thought is"I am too superior for this cause numerous reasons"

I thought that, by reaching that stage, and at the same time allowing it to lead me into productive results. I could finally move on from my failures. Prove to myself that I "won".

The more it worked in my real life, from work, to gym, to studies, the more I felt empowered and the more that ego grew, bigger and bigger. Which was when it hit me.

Isn't that what "NPD's" do? Attempting to boost their superiority/ego to the point it blankets their fragility/regrets/pessimism/ inner nihilism?

If that's the case where's the fundamental different between me, and the NPD's I consider infinitely more inferior to me?

None really.

So I admit, and I won't take back my words. That many of my actions, including the chase of constant conflict, are in fact distractions from the real issue. Which is.

Regret.

 

I failed many times, not on my personal goals. But on other people.

I tried to help others, cure them, make them appreciate themselves, and my pressure and passion resulted in them feeling judged, criticized, and in some cases abused.

The results were, out of the 4 people I invested time, effort, and passion to assist. One is warded, the other one turned into a total slut, the other one is self harming, and the last one is in prison.

 

I still haven't forgiven myself over these failures, and I never will. And I am aware that humility and a logical conclusion as"you tried but it didn't work, you're not god, their lives/their choices not yours" or other forms of acceptance could grant me closure, but as a slave to my own pride I can't accept that.

I don't know if it is pure narcissism, ego, or arrogance that don't allow me to move on. What I know is that I read their messages, paragraphs upon paragraphs of genuine respect and admiration, that I failed miserably, and it's not my ego that gets wounded. But my very self esteem.

I will never move past that guilt, and I am fully aware of that.

The reason why I had this long ranting here, is due to how all these peasants dislike me. Hence this is the perfect place to provide a failure to be attacked for. I do such forms of redemption daily over my failures, as a form to pay courtesy to people that depended on me.

Yet despite all that, I still look at all 4 of them and refer to them as "garbage that wasted my time"

Pride always kicks in in the end. And it's a circle I can't break no matter what.

 

I desire to break that circle, without using stoicism/humility/ and that will be the final step of my evolution. 

That's your final step?

I'd say you aim low, if that's all you want. But I don't believe that's all you want... People like you want more and more.. Yet what do you have to show for it? I'd say what you're doing is better than being a loser, like the rest of the idiots here, with the exception of maybe Xena and d7. I suppose that's what you're afraid of. Of becoming stale.

Yet you spend all your time here.. Why not level things up a notch? You're competing with the homeless, the mentally disabled, the uneducated, the lazy, and the retarded. It's not that surprising you come out on top.. I'm surprised you spend so much of your time on garbage that waste your time. Now they're in jail and what-not. Way to go. What did you learn from that but a false sense of humility..

Are you afraid of failure? Is that why you spend so much of your time with morons and filth? Because of how you shine when compared with the lowest of the low? Or is it because you feel you have your roots there, in the mud and shit? Did your mommy not give you enough attention? Were you from a poor family?

Are you a virgin? No? Why not...? You fit the bill.. I highly doubt you're like this outside of your e-personality. I doubt you're particularly popular. Are you shunned? Do women look at you with disgust?

Can you relate with your peers? I think not. You belong with the trash. Have you ever sucked up to someone to get a promotion? You're too young for that. Give it a few years... You'll realize how useless your pride is. Defend it, and you get trashed. Don't defend it, and you get rewarded. Once you don't care about your pride, you gain access to many new and exciting things.... Like money. And friends. And women. And power. Once you become an adult you get to play fun games that only adults play. Like politics. It's a way to pass the time..... More entertaining than your stupid buddhist games lol. Take my word for it.

You claim I spend all my time here, yet I check this site every 7 hours, focus on it for 6 minutes max, then mentally damaged vermin like you look at my consistent posts while ignoring the timeline of them, assuming I am as addicted as they are.

That's not criticism, that's basic projection.

The rest of your borderline ranting, together with the neurotic questions that accompany it, are unworthy of both consideration and responses. 

"Life, job, popular lifestyle, women" these are normal things you were supposed to experience in plenty, and you refer to them as accomplishments. 

Our standards are incomparable, and I am not willing to descend to your level to speak to you. So you will have to ascend. (Can't see it happening any time soon) 

You may conduct yourself in a manner worth responding to from now on if you desire my attention.

Vermin.

Slowly I catch myself moving past trivial provocations/baits/circumstances where I would feel the need to react to prove my superiority, which normally would be considered "maturity",  but that's just a front. The real internal thought is"I am too superior for this cause numerous reasons"

I've found that pushing myself to interact with 'small and trivial' things to be what gives them value and weight. It's how much we let ourselves sink into the world around us that serves to have us be a part of it, while it's how we sit there and insist everyone else is stupid or whatever that serves to detach ourselves from people through the misguided idea that we're somehow better than them. 

Consider how many people think they're smarter than other people, and past a point it begins to seem smarter to notice the things we have in common with their blunders instead. 

I thought that, by reaching that stage, and at the same time allowing it to lead me into productive results. I could finally move on from my failures. Prove to myself that I "won".

The more it worked in my real life, from work, to gym, to studies, the more I felt empowered and the more that ego grew, bigger and bigger. Which was when it hit me.

Isn't that what "NPD's" do? Attempting to boost their superiority/ego to the point it blankets their fragility/regrets/pessimism/ inner nihilism?

It's closer to covert narcissism imo. 

Narcs don't think they need to do anything to impress people, while the tryhard variant understands to some degree that being seen as they'd prefer to be takes effort. 

I've found more value in trying to not impose my values onto others too strongly, seeing as to do otherwise stops them from following their own path. I've found more value in observation than in egoism, the former coming from a lack of the latter being as much of an overt distraction. 

I tried to help others, cure them, make them appreciate themselves, and my pressure and passion resulted in them feeling judged, criticized, and in some cases abused.

"Those who can't do teach, and those who can't teach teach gym." 

The best we can do really is push others imo, as our lessons told to ourselves will just be repetitious. In the hands of others our 'wisdom' stands to mutate, and their wisdom in our hands possesses the same capacity. 

It's through others that it can become easier to find yourself. 

The results were, out of the 4 people I invested time, effort, and passion to assist. One is warded, the other one turned into a total slut, the other one is self harming, and the last one is in prison.

I still haven't forgiven myself over these failures, and I never will.

Why is their fate your responsibility? It's on them what they do with the knowledge they have, even if we may possess some level of causal responsibility over what happened. 

Most lessons someone would glean from us they'd likely have seen elsewhere in their lives. The challenges we face are present within us from birth, our shortcomings a thing we'll be stuck facing for the majority of our lives. Even time travel would likely just change the specificity behind the lessons rather than having them not learn the lesson itself, or they'd simply be stuck waiting for whenever that lesson would come along if it otherwise hasn't hit them yet. 

It is not our responsibility to be the stepping stones in another's life, we just happened to be there. To blame yourself too deep for this sort of shit is just a symptom of being a Control Freak, feeling like every little thing  we do must be important. 

I desire to break that circle, without using stoicism/humility/ and that will be the final step of my evolution. 

Letting go is the hardest challenge, one most people may never be ready to take part in. 

Letting go might be the highest and rarest ability in mankind, I am aware.

My intuition tells me is something among the lines of forgetting and forgiving. Which are things that you must do unforcefully, naturally, not things you can just achieve or force your way in.

And at the same time things that might just be antonymous to pride/ego/arrogance/narcissism, and so on and so on.

Maybe what must truly be let go here isn't the failures or people themselves, who knows.

I will find out no matter what.