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Posts: 527
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works
ddddddd said: 

Also, she is obviously mentally ill and has been heavily abused. No wonder she is dissociating by using substances. Of course the child is fucked, but blame is probably misplaced here. There is also good in CS, even in this thread. She seems to really have an internal strive for goodness and that is something that not many people have. Of course she is not good in pursuing it, even perverts it at times and is using bad strategies like whoring around etc to achieve it, but at the base is a meritorious intention. If she is being hated as the whore of Babylon, she should be worshipped as the virgin mother Maria at the same time. 

 That’s such a nice thing to say.

Posts: 527
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works
chimpi said: 

i'm guessing you'll blame it 

It and Jim, considering the genetic angle. 

 I don’t blame people for stuff. I just fix it. 

Tell that to your chat history. 

 I was talking about real life. This place is for fun. 

Posts: 34389
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works
chimpi said: 

i'm guessing you'll blame it 

It and Jim, considering the genetic angle. 

 I don’t blame people for stuff. I just fix it. 

Tell that to your chat history. 

 I was talking about real life. This place is for fun. 

Your chat history extends to your discussions of real life events. 

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Posts: 527
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works
chimpi said: 

i'm guessing you'll blame it 

It and Jim, considering the genetic angle. 

 I don’t blame people for stuff. I just fix it. 

Tell that to your chat history. 

 I was talking about real life. This place is for fun. 

Your chat history extends to your discussions of real life events. 

 You suggested that her behavior would become weird or bad or whatever and I would blame someone. I don’t blame other people for someone else’s behavior if they have no effect on it. It’s not like they are whispering in her ear, telling her what to do. That’s the only way I would blame them for her behavior. I feel like I’ve written this a billion times. He is a sperm donor. He has no place even in the same thoughts as my baby, other than in the context of his sperm donation. I will deal with whatever issues my baby could possibly have. That’s my job as a parent. She is happy and healthy and she will stay that way. 

Posts: 32
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works

When I do anything bad, even walk across the street illegally, my brain thinks rules don’t matter, so the next time I have the option to do something illegal, wrong, or just not right, I will do it. That’s why I seem to have periods of time when I’m doing a lot of crazy stuff at once. I have impulse control issues on a level where it I do one bad thing, I can’t control the rest of the bad things I might do.

 For example, when I don’t have sex when I have the urge, I start watching porn. First is lesbian stuff, gay stuff, doggy style, rape, young people, and now I found myself looking for videos of a guy cutting a girl. Sadly, the crying fantasy is just people cutting themselves. It’s dumb. I did watch stuff with dead people and a guy cutting his thing, which goodness that was actually pretty sexy, but yeah. I just keep getting worse and worse until I stop myself and recommit to being good. 

That’s just what happens when I don’t get sex when I need it. When I actually do bad things, like physically walking across the street illegally, I start doing stuff like actually having sex with guys. Then it moves to either using them to fulfill my fantasies, or just using them for whatever I can get. Then, I usually ditch and be good again. 

My current spiral is a lot worse than any of the rest. I’ve moved past anywhere I’ve ever been on the porn front, and on the guy front. Watching autopsies and freaking finding the perfect guy for evil plan, and one for my good path too? I’m just not sure what is next. I’m almost at the end of my spiral and I’m not sure where it is taking me.

I can’t be with the perfect evil plan guy because I’m trying to be good. I can’t be up front about my issues with the other one because I’m all weird and embarrassed whenever he talks to me, and I’m not trying to make people hate me either.

I can’t find any videos showing the type of cutting I’d like to see, and I’ve already watched someone choke someone to death. There’s really nothing left other than choosing to go with my evil plan. I don’t think I could ever do that, but it’s easier, so it’s tempting. That’s the scary part.

I could have everything I’ve ever desired. All of the reasons I hate society can be fixed if I just do the evil things I planned to do. I’d be married, have happy kids, have unhappy people in the torture room, and just swimming in pleasure, but I wouldn’t go to heaven and I’d hate myself even more than I do now.

This is why I need a good guy. I need someone who will say don’t ever do that, when I say I want to murder people or anything evil like that. I need a guy who won’t even consider kidnapping anyone. I need a man sized impulse control substitute/master. 

 Dude.

Have you read about an external locus of control? You write like some interventionist god is pulling the strings and it comes across as really pathetic (no offense, but dude...)

Being good and being bad are decisions. There's no vacuuming spiral that pulls anyone in either direction. It's just a choice. People like to externalize it when shit starts going wrong, but that road doesn't lead anywhere useful or enlightening. If you did something bad and the consequences sucked, that's on you, not on some "spiral" that's out of your control.

 

Posts: 403
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works

So is alcoholism. Just a choice dude.

Posts: 32
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works

So is alcoholism. Just a choice dude.

That's a reductive interpretation of my point. Alcoholism isn't a choice, but recovery is. Being born into poverty isn't a choice, but voting for institutions that perpetuate it is. I'm not saying you can choose to wake up and be a sober billionaire, but you'll get nowhere if you deny the small choices you've got in life.

Posts: 403
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works
That's a reductive interpretation of my point. Alcoholism isn't a choice, but recovery is. Being born into poverty isn't a choice, but voting for institutions that perpetuate it is. I'm not saying you can choose to wake up and be a sober billionaire, but you'll get nowhere if you deny the small choices you've got in life.

How is that?

Poverty is also a choice.

Counter-strike's bad girl addiction is a choice but you picking up the bottle isn't. Go figure.

Posts: 527
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works
Theo said: 

When I do anything bad, even walk across the street illegally, my brain thinks rules don’t matter, so the next time I have the option to do something illegal, wrong, or just not right, I will do it. That’s why I seem to have periods of time when I’m doing a lot of crazy stuff at once. I have impulse control issues on a level where it I do one bad thing, I can’t control the rest of the bad things I might do.

 For example, when I don’t have sex when I have the urge, I start watching porn. First is lesbian stuff, gay stuff, doggy style, rape, young people, and now I found myself looking for videos of a guy cutting a girl. Sadly, the crying fantasy is just people cutting themselves. It’s dumb. I did watch stuff with dead people and a guy cutting his thing, which goodness that was actually pretty sexy, but yeah. I just keep getting worse and worse until I stop myself and recommit to being good. 

That’s just what happens when I don’t get sex when I need it. When I actually do bad things, like physically walking across the street illegally, I start doing stuff like actually having sex with guys. Then it moves to either using them to fulfill my fantasies, or just using them for whatever I can get. Then, I usually ditch and be good again. 

My current spiral is a lot worse than any of the rest. I’ve moved past anywhere I’ve ever been on the porn front, and on the guy front. Watching autopsies and freaking finding the perfect guy for evil plan, and one for my good path too? I’m just not sure what is next. I’m almost at the end of my spiral and I’m not sure where it is taking me.

I can’t be with the perfect evil plan guy because I’m trying to be good. I can’t be up front about my issues with the other one because I’m all weird and embarrassed whenever he talks to me, and I’m not trying to make people hate me either.

I can’t find any videos showing the type of cutting I’d like to see, and I’ve already watched someone choke someone to death. There’s really nothing left other than choosing to go with my evil plan. I don’t think I could ever do that, but it’s easier, so it’s tempting. That’s the scary part.

I could have everything I’ve ever desired. All of the reasons I hate society can be fixed if I just do the evil things I planned to do. I’d be married, have happy kids, have unhappy people in the torture room, and just swimming in pleasure, but I wouldn’t go to heaven and I’d hate myself even more than I do now.

This is why I need a good guy. I need someone who will say don’t ever do that, when I say I want to murder people or anything evil like that. I need a guy who won’t even consider kidnapping anyone. I need a man sized impulse control substitute/master. 

 Dude.

Have you read about an external locus of control? You write like some interventionist god is pulling the strings and it comes across as really pathetic (no offense, but dude...)

Being good and being bad are decisions. There's no vacuuming spiral that pulls anyone in either direction. It's just a choice. People like to externalize it when shit starts going wrong, but that road doesn't lead anywhere useful or enlightening. If you did something bad and the consequences sucked, that's on you, not on some "spiral" that's out of your control.

 

 I wrote that I spiral. It’s my spiral. I choose to do worse and worse things because I feel like doing something bad is doing something bad, no matter at it is or how bad it is, so to my brain, really crossing the street is bad, just like punching someone in the face is. I’m just saying that once I break the seal, they are all just sins. I don’t think in terms of illegality except through the lens of Christianity. We only have to follow the laws because God said follow the laws of the land. That’s why I always have to CHOOSE to be good after I start doing bad stuff. Now though, I do not belong to myself, so I can just ask my owner if it’s okay and he is good, so I will never be able to choose bad stuff again.

Posts: 527
0 votes RE: How my spiraling works
Theo said: 

So is alcoholism. Just a choice dude.

That's a reductive interpretation of my point. Alcoholism isn't a choice, but recovery is. Being born into poverty isn't a choice, but voting for institutions that perpetuate it is. I'm not saying you can choose to wake up and be a sober billionaire, but you'll get nowhere if you deny the small choices you've got in life.

 So you’re a republican? You do choose to drink and to keep drinking if you’re an alcoholic. You can also go through withdraw and be done. Alcoholism is a choice at some point, then it turns into more of a compulsion.

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