When I do anything bad, even walk across the street illegally, my brain thinks rules don’t matter, so the next time I have the option to do something illegal, wrong, or just not right, I will do it. That’s why I seem to have periods of time when I’m doing a lot of crazy stuff at once. I have impulse control issues on a level where it I do one bad thing, I can’t control the rest of the bad things I might do.
For example, when I don’t have sex when I have the urge, I start watching porn. First is lesbian stuff, gay stuff, doggy style, rape, young people, and now I found myself looking for videos of a guy cutting a girl. Sadly, the crying fantasy is just people cutting themselves. It’s dumb. I did watch stuff with dead people and a guy cutting his thing, which goodness that was actually pretty sexy, but yeah. I just keep getting worse and worse until I stop myself and recommit to being good.
That’s just what happens when I don’t get sex when I need it. When I actually do bad things, like physically walking across the street illegally, I start doing stuff like actually having sex with guys. Then it moves to either using them to fulfill my fantasies, or just using them for whatever I can get. Then, I usually ditch and be good again.
My current spiral is a lot worse than any of the rest. I’ve moved past anywhere I’ve ever been on the porn front, and on the guy front. Watching autopsies and freaking finding the perfect guy for evil plan, and one for my good path too? I’m just not sure what is next. I’m almost at the end of my spiral and I’m not sure where it is taking me.
I can’t be with the perfect evil plan guy because I’m trying to be good. I can’t be up front about my issues with the other one because I’m all weird and embarrassed whenever he talks to me, and I’m not trying to make people hate me either.
I can’t find any videos showing the type of cutting I’d like to see, and I’ve already watched someone choke someone to death. There’s really nothing left other than choosing to go with my evil plan. I don’t think I could ever do that, but it’s easier, so it’s tempting. That’s the scary part.
I could have everything I’ve ever desired. All of the reasons I hate society can be fixed if I just do the evil things I planned to do. I’d be married, have happy kids, have unhappy people in the torture room, and just swimming in pleasure, but I wouldn’t go to heaven and I’d hate myself even more than I do now.
This is why I need a good guy. I need someone who will say don’t ever do that, when I say I want to murder people or anything evil like that. I need a guy who won’t even consider kidnapping anyone. I need a man sized impulse control substitute/master.