I'm having one of my moments where my mind floods with thoughts of violence. I just want to harm someone or something. It doesn't help that I have harmed small animals like mice and toads in the past. Then I watch something like this that fuels it. It brings about a feeling of euphoria, it feels nice, but it's annoying if I don't try to make the fantasies a reality.
I'm not some serial killer, nor do I think I'll become one. I'm just a sadist I guess. I'd go see a therapist, but I don't want to be put on some fucking pills and drugged up.
I can already feel the headache coming on.
Why?
I will make a response to the best of I can here in a bit.
i can't even imagine what an autistic loser u are irl to make such posts in such site man
it's actually impressive btw, well done
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Why?
To be honest, I don't entirely know why. I don't believe I have any repressed memories, I wasn't really physically abused as a kid. I did lose my main father figure as a kid, which was my grandpa, but that was at the age of 9. My other brother's father tried to be one, but he couldn't be there, and I don't really care for him anyway, he's annoying. I spent most of my life after my grandpa's death on the computer. I didn't fit in school, was shy, if I had a crush on someone, the whole school would find out and harass me about it. I got called a creep once by a girl I liked. (I'm technically chill with that person now.) I'm not going to go into my life story, but I guess I didn't grow up right. I don't think there's a chance I got ASPD because I don't got the criteria for it. I wasn't an entirely bad kid growing up, I didn't really get in trouble with the law, and I'd say I was pretty emotional up until around 2 years ago.
I guess the closest thing I had to trauma was meeting a "girl" online who I thought I could trust since I entered a new community of people who are friendly, turned out, that girl was lying to multiple people. I had been insecure so I trusted her a lot, told her all my stresses in life and such, she'd lie to make her life sound similar to mine, so I fell in love with her. According to her friends, she had some edgy plan to try to make me kill myself. It didn't come because I was told. So, I guess the concept of confiding in someone and telling them everything about me, only for them to be lying about who they were, and fuck me over did some mental damage, later I found that the person was affiliated with a pedo I knew and hated, so I guess it could've been more than just "killing myself" I could've dealt with a pedo, I don't know.
Have you considered taking an interest in either Martial Arts or BDSM?
You sound like you're all bottled up with nowhere to spew.
I did martial arts when I was younger, I'd like to get back into it at some point. In regards to BDSM, I'd probably try it with a partner if I sought out one, but currently I am not looking for a relationship. Sure, I get dark sexual thoughts here and there, and I might look at some questionable things, but I don't like the idea of being promiscuous. I'm not entirely a fan of pornography either, Well, I guess as an industry. I view my relationship with it as an addiction that I suppress at times. It's probably what got me into more and more violent thoughts and interests.
Turncoat said:So she basically pretended to be your living room mirror, and that was enough to heavy your heart?
I grew up lonely and I used to crave love. I found someone who was similar to me and shared interests. Plus, I was already in a time period where I admittedly had sexual relationships with girls online in the form of erotic roleplay. Typically they were depressed and they vented to me, and so it went from sharing feelings and then leading down an unhealthy path.
Same thing happened with a girl I met in real life, didn't last long.
Have you considered taking an interest in either Martial Arts or BDSM?
You sound like you're all bottled up with nowhere to spew.I did martial arts when I was younger, I'd like to get back into it at some point. In regards to BDSM, I'd probably try it with a partner if I sought out one, but currently I am not looking for a relationship.
How heavy is a "relationship" when you're using that word to demonstrate a coupling?
What are it's terms, it's tethers, the freedoms it restricts as an agreement?
Sure, I get dark sexual thoughts here and there, and I might look at some questionable things, but I don't like the idea of being promiscuous.
The idea has a certain slime to it, but the reality of it is freedom.
I'm not entirely a fan of pornography either, Well, I guess as an industry.
What's wrong with the industry of it as of 2020's standards, as opposed to the standards in the 80s, 90s, and 00s?
Porn as a concept has gone through multiple stages of re-conceptualization.
I view my relationship with it as an addiction that I suppress at times. It's probably what got me into more and more violent thoughts and interests.
Where's the line that crosses from indulgence into addiction for you?
Turncoat said:So she basically pretended to be your living room mirror, and that was enough to heavy your heart?I grew up lonely and I used to crave love. I found someone who was similar to me and shared interests.
So yes, a mirror.
Plus, I was already in a time period where I admittedly had sexual relationships with girls online in the form of erotic roleplay.
What led you down the road of erotic rp?
Typically they were depressed and they vented to me, and so it went from sharing feelings and then leading down an unhealthy path.
So, the "Nice Guy" and "Good Listener" archetypes?
Same thing happened with a girl I met in real life, didn't last long.
You met a girl?
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