I had minor panic attacks before this point, looking back on it- but, it was shortly after this car breaking down freak out thing, that I actually wound up mentally hospitalized not much later.
Because the symptoms all across the board ramped up to a severe level- and I didn’t understand what was going on.
The other thing he talked about was denial which, I was in in high school.
He mentions several different types of denial and the different reasons it occurs.
For me, in high school, I was definitely the, “I’m not affected” person. And despite being seen by a counselor, and put in groups for individuals with trauma... I just would sort of convince myself everything was fine and normal somehow. Even though it wasn’t.
I remember there were some days, I went to the group sessions seeming, blissfully happy and positive. And, they all talked about, counseling stuff- with the counselor, and I don’t remember even really listening. I was completely tuning it out, and pretending as if, I was just sitting with a group of friends on a normal school day- even though, I was in a therapy group, for trauma. I didn’t understand myself in this moment, how I could appear so perfectly fine- despite the night before, being my usual depressed self. I could put on the facade of functionality, normalcy, and happiness, so well, that even I believed it.
And when I was asked how I was, I said everything was fine and I was good- and I was just thinking about how blissfully nice the weather was. Ignoring, the train wreck my reality was, not just pretending but, believing, I was- well. So well it was, like I was someone else entirely.
I wasn’t myself that day at all, I felt different, I dressed different, I talked different. It’s as if I was a different person.
.
In high school, I had a habit of, after abuse, sort of dislocating from it entirely like none of it happened. I would convince myself of that somehow. And, instead of going back to my room and having, an emotional reaction or- dwelling on what happened, it was completely cold cut. In a split second, I would go from, a bad situation to, just, looking like I was taking a walk in the park- as I walked away from it. Putting my headphones in and scrolling through tumblr. Like in the blink of an eye- nothing happened. That quickly, I would shut it out. Literally in a split second.
And *never* thought about it, again. Ever.
To the point where, I’d forget it even happened, very thoroughly. By the end of high school, I guess this, suppression process- I don’t really know- how I wound up like this but,
I wound up forgetting any of it happened at all.
When I was 18/19, if you asked me if I had even seen abuse I would of said no.
Despite, the trauma counseling, the DCF intervention, the emotional 1-on-1 therapy sessions.
It’s just weird because, though I had normalized it, there were also instances where you can tell by my actions looking back- that I was aware it wasnt okay at times.
Though, it took me many years to come to terms with what my therapist told me in high school, which was that I didn’t deserve it. It took years for that to really, sink in. And even then, I still had no idea how I was supposed to be treated by others- and had to sort of learn that manually. What was and wasn’t okay, what as normal for a person to say or do to me, what boundaries were, to stop letting myself be used, to be walked all over, to cling to abusers and narcissists, controllers, manipulators, etc.
And to learn a sense of self worth and innate value in ones self, and, lastly- the one I haven’t really figured out yet- who you even are.
These are all issues I still struggle with, though I’ve improved over time. I have to consciously remind myself, about these topics... and it can get confusing sometimes. Like, the issues, they argue back at you sometimes. In moments of weakness,..
how strong you are about it is, inconsistent.
-
Unfortunately I did go through an abusive relationship when I was 18-20, and I stopped being able to recognize myself in the mirror, by age 20.
This was one of the weirdest things to happen yet at this point but, I was in an intense denial during this time, about being affected- by anything, and, was still dislocated from my home “childhood trauma” and, was also dislocated from my domestic “abusive relationship” trauma.
If you asked me at this time if I had been hit by my boyfriend, I would of said “no, and I told you, I don’t want to talk about it.”
I was rather hostile and short with people if they tried to bring him up, or the relationship, or anything basically related to that time period. And I’d just sort of cut it off everything like, “nope, not talking about this subject.”
Or, “it’s none of your business” or, “it doesn’t matter” “everything’s fine”
and I hard ankle held to that gritting my teeth so hard like, with pure will, just, willing all of that into, the trash in my mind. Erased. Didn’t happen. Nope. Didn’t happen. Did not, happen. And I’m not, affected. Nope.
Most people are but I’m not. And that’s because, nothing even really happened it wasn’t bad at all. Everything was fine. It wasn’t bad! It wasn’t, bad!
Meanwhile, freshly out of that relationship he black mailed me, and some other dramatic life shifting things occurred (my girlfriend was kicked out of my house- despite, the fact i- had not accepted that label for myself yet or come to terms with like owning my sexuality at all at this point)
And there was this huge fight of course, when she was kicked out but- not between myself and my mom- it was them fighting and- i was dissociating into the void while it happened. Like i just froze and couldn’t bring myself to respond to anything. I just sat there like O.O staring into space whilst they’re at each other’s throats in the background, everythings gone fuzzy for me and I’m spaced out the entire time. The entire, time.
after she left, is when i sort of broke out of that state, and i just screamed into the floor for like, i don’t know how long but, a very unusual length of time. Just pure rage pouring out of me. And then I think I cried silently for a second, I dunno. And then I punched two holes in my door.
When talking about this event in therapy, it was the first time I ever cried about anything I recalled to my therapist. I had cried in an EMDR session with an EMDR specialist but that was it. I was immensely sad about losing her. And it was, depressing I guess. My therapist was sort of shocked she was like, “that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you show any emotion.”
I hadn’t really even come to terms yet with my sexuality myself, I was very, not like, I hadn’t even come out to myself- much less anyone else. And my dreams of like possibly being accepted were crushed, and I lost the girl I loved ya know, who I’d of done anything for. And my, hopes of having a relationship with my parents was destroyed ya know. Like my mom hated me. In one night all that happened thanks to black mail.
I had to include that because, I was going to say, after coming home from Mexico, I slept for three months- in my denial state of ‘everything being fine’ but, it wouldn’t be the full story. It wasn’t just, denial it was also a deeper depression about, a lot of things, i guess. A lot, a lot, of things.
I knew during this period that I was depressed, and I tried to talk myself up into getting out of bed, and “staying above it” mentally, but it just wasn’t something I could surmount enough to even function, in my day.
I was mentally like, checked out. I just, slept, and slept, and did *nothing*. Like, completely absent from my life. No social media, nothing. I just stared at the wall and slept.
People made attempts to drag me out of bed but, it didn’t work because I just didn’t care and, when they pulled me out I just remember wanting the comfort of the sheets back around me like a caccoon or a nest I could bury myself in forever-
I stopped looking in the mirror all together because I got frustrated with the “mirror” dissociation. Because of the intense denial, Andy he poor relationships with the ppl around me, I never said anything about it, or asked for help, or even mentioned the words, depressed. I never admitted anything was even wrong, I hardly talked to anyone at all. And no one really said anything to me either- for that time.
It was just my dad yelling at me about getting out of bed to stop being lazy or something. But that was it.
There were so many nightmares and they were so bad, I was afraid to go to sleep. But I couldn’t stop sleeping, at the same time.
And, the nightmares continued for years after this point.
After I was in university, and came home, I started getting night time anxiety. Which prevented me from being able to sleep well, and this eventually snowballed into full blow insomnia and, constant, anxiety and panic attacks.
When I was at university I had some panic attacks but, the worst of the worst
Didn’t start until just before my first mental hospitalization in April 2017
Where it was just spiraling out of control- high levels of dissociation, suicidality and panic attacks were occurring- simultaneously, with nightmares and lack of sleep, substance abuse, and I also had stopped eating completely. Because I wanted to die.
For keeping the journal consistent purposes needed to mention that two days ago so I think it was Saturday or Sunday maybe I don’t know I am horrible at keeping track of time
but, I uh, forgot to take my meds one day 😛😂
I was doing so good at being consistent which was really good and helped me, but yeah, had one mistake and oh my god
oh,... my god.
i was acting so weird man lol
I don’t even know how to begin. So I woke up and immediately started cleaning things. Normally I don’t do that. Lol
but yeah without my medicine I tend to be like, kind of manically OCD hyper and, on the outside it just looks like maybe a tidy person but. Yeah I just, I couldn’t handle like, seeing any messes.
but I was having a hard time keeping a track of my thoughts, and had to write things down a lot because I was forgetting my own thoughts like within 2 seconds of having them. And I was having a lot of thoughts, and it was all very very disorganized and hard to keep up with the speed of it
so, kind of manic. Basically. Lol
it would be productive energy if it was focused energy but it’s not... I’m not able to focus on anything really at all
and yeah I’m easily more, set off. Triggered to be anxious or angry.
and I’m talking a lot and very fast... to my parents and saying a lot of negative things for some reason
like, it’s not, a pleasant, person to be around I’m very like blunt and cut and dry and my world view was significantly negative and cruel
compared to with meds im
like :) happy sunshine
it was like, even surprising me a bit I was like damn why am I so evil today. But it made sense??? To me somehow.
but looking back on it I’m like damn I was being mean af and losing my mind a bit believing that weird shit like I couldn’t see how I was wrong how my behavior was off or bad or not normal
and yeah I got into an argument of course because I was being an ass hole, and yeah it got pretty heated
and I pretty much just got into arguments with everyone I came into contact wine cause I was just so fucking negative and angry and shit
and yeah eventually I tooo the meds by like noon
because the anxiety has ramped up so high I was verging in full blown panic attack lol
and I had to like chill out and after I took the meds I slept for 16 hours again
it was like a crash that occurred after getting all wound up and yeah the meds make me sleepy too and I just had all this anxiety so after that it makes me very tired so all those things combined just I felt so TiRED
and had to sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep
and yeah never again dawg
don’t let me not take my meds lol it’s bad
I would really like to look more in depth about DP DR because, I'd like to know about all the different types, as if they had names.
As it appears everyone who has had this, has had such widely variant experiences.
I myself have had this so many times, and many varying ways. As far as what I can recall with clarity.
Sitting here and making a list of all the ways I've experienced it from what I can recall would, be quite a task- and- I have difficulty recalling certain things until they are sort of "triggered" forward. Meaning I could try and make a comprehensive chronological list of occurrences across my life but, as I remember things I might have to go back and add things in here and there.
As he was talking though I remembered several, the talks he does helps me remember things that have occurred, i.e- specific experiences I've had with symptoms of trauma disorders. otherwise, it's not really on my mind and I've sort of forgotten about it normally. I wouldn't even think to mention it to my therapist because, it's just not there.
It has to be triggered forward. There are times where I may naturally going about my life get into this head space naturally but, it's usually a "negative" trigger and a generally negative experience that brings that on. So I likely wouldn't write much about it, because I'm either wanting to get out of that bad experience I'm having, or I'm too depressed to care enough to write about it, and I've forgotten the, good reasons I had with myself, in agreement to write down everything I know I will forget later. Or I might even forget that I will forget, later.
But yeah these videos help me to calmly be bale to write down the things I am reminded of- like this video reminded me of a list of experiences I've had with DP DR so this makes it easier for me to name and describe my experiences with a therapist- under standing they're not, totally normal... or, what they even are.
So yeah. Once again, very helpful video. I'll write down my experiences with DP DR now. List for future reference. Will take a sec.
Whoops, so, I got interrupted yesterday and, didn't end up finishing the post.
I've listed a few instances with dissociation I've had more in depth though in my "what dissociation feel like" thread or something like that, was the title. lol
and, uh.. it's hard to make a comprehensive list because I can't remember. I'd need to watch the video again to retrigger the memories of it back. I guess my brain doesn't feel like talking / thinking about it right now but. Maybe another time.
Been struggling with anxiety all day today.
I haven’t been keeping up with journaling as well
But I’ve just been through the ringer this week, and I just, ya know. Would like to not have anxiety, and not have depression or other issues
Like, is there such a thing as total ignorance from suffering where one is truly in the moment and connected to themselves and happy
I find this sometimes but, it’s, off and on. Sometimes I’m just not mentally in the place to, appear that way.
I wish my parents would be quiet. I’m trying to chill down after a hard day and destress and enjoy the evening
but they’re talking loud despite me asking them not to
after sleeping several hours (I was exhausted) I woke up to their loud talking and I came in the room quietly and said softly, “could you please keep it down when talking- especially about, bad, things. I already have a lot going on up here (points to head) that I’m working very hard to manage and it’s exhausting, it’s really hard. So if you could just be a little quieter... “
and mind you it’s 10:15pm when I said this like
but they didn’t attempt to lower their voices at all even tho they said alright, it was just to make me go away.
I thanked them sincerely as if they were truly being considerate but I should know better by now they never fucking are
it’s just loud cackling, tv’s, phone calls, talking talking talking, making noise, slamming doors, etc. all. Day. Long. All. Night. Every. Morning.
and I just can’t get any goddamn peace.
I just, want to be left, alone.
I want no one in my space.
everytike I try to do anything I’m tip toeing around them trying not to wake them and being overly considerate of everything they might react to
cleaning messes before they see them and cleaning things doing laundry trying to help closing things quietly and literally walking carefully around
tryjng not to be in anyone’s way or make any noise
ever
and meanwhile them, they’re allowed to be completely disruptive and bombastic and angry or sad and inconsiderate
snd me I can’t really say or do anything at all here, I can’t even be myself..: I have to hide, everything all the time and, all of myself away...
I can’t even breath the wrong way... I can’t say the wrong thing... or the right thing in the wrong way.... I have to be so careful... about everything I say... and do, or wear, how I sit, how I act, etc.
it’s just like, exhausting.
that ontop of my internal anxieties, it’s been, a harder day with it. That’s... yeah. That’s all.
