I wish people would just accept me as I am lol
like blanc is who I really am, the rest is just, me trying to fuckin, fit some other persons idea of how I should be
I just get confused because of how warped its been my up bringing and stuff
I like who I am, though sometimes I forget,
I wish people would just accept me as I am lol
You don't even do that.
like blanc is who I really am, the rest is just, me trying to fuckin, fit some other persons idea of how I should be
No, it's "a character", you've been over this and we've consequently gone at you about your chronic lying for attention and shitty memory.
I like who I am, though sometimes I forget,
What's there to like if you can't see yourself?
I normally reflect on all my dreams but I had a nightmare that was so terrifying that, it woke me up in the middle of the night in a nauseated panic attack and I was sweating. I had to put it out of my mind immediately, whatever it was.
Like I remember consciously separating my mind from it on purpose like, “don’t think about it, nope. Nope. Not there- calm down. Think about this instead.”
And apparently I watched a youtube video, which I forgot I did but, when I woke up that’s what was left on my computer screen staring back at me.
I don’t think I really watched it I just turned it on to hear something and then fell asleep immediately lol
Whatever the nightmare was that was too intense for me to reflect on, it’s been buried now so I have no memory of it.
-
When I went back to sleep I had a dream about dissociation, where I was filming myself, and i was watching this recording with, no memory of what I did in it. And I was just kind of freaked out about it like, I didn’t remember doing or saying anything I did.
And then during the video my friend came in who, is a drug dealer, and he brought me something and I thanked him. And then the camera shuts off.
And then in the dream, I looked to the side of my bed, because in the film I was watching I was in my bed. And I saw the floor covered in ice and my friend who is, a drug dealer and, also does heroin, he appeared to be underneath the ice.
I didn’t know he was there because I had dissociated that he was, and ya know I didn’t know until I watched the film that he, might be there. And so, I normally look after him when he gets high and falls asleep to make sure he’s still breathing. And, because I didn’t know he was there, I didn’t, look after him.
And he was frozen underneath the ice which, had come over the time which I was sleeping apparently-
like the time line was like, me filming myself, and then falling asleep, and then I woke up and watched the film which I had no recollection of making. So in the time I had fallen asleep the ice came overnight and froze him solid.
And i started clawing at the ice and it was coming up a bit breaking apart and unearthing him from this floor of ice. And he was alive somehow. And I was like oh my god I didn’t know you were there I’m so sorry
And he was like “it’s okay- it’s okay” like it was no big deal to him that he could of been dead.
Last night:
Currently:
https://open.spotify.com/album/1ZKbjlrUC5REoa13uSH5KL?si=6Nvyd68ITFGmfPnAgXF6ig
https://open.spotify.com/album/4xdRjOhY9NHmMpI7U3e2c3?si=pdmKiZx3R7Olo7pTM2pUeA
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3uvpzN8ywjZFS6QdiBO5Ih?si=-5iT1W9NSd6ceMBOVYviBQ
https://open.spotify.com/album/097eYvf9NKjFnv4xA9s2oV?si=_YjTav_1Sw-TFFjvP-cfUw
Check out my youtube and Spotify for more music exploration.
My Spotify profile: https://open.spotify.com/user/maryisamango?si=l0vgerkJRX6HVnG4dZF3SQ
‘Rainbow’ Youtube Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsPrat5vzR5MJjBIdME8bwkT-tD0b72z8
’Meditation’ Youtube Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsPrat5vzR5NHhxuByke_odxg4PwjkDN6
‘Morning Tunes’ Youtube Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsPrat5vzR5N51wBnOBHJN3B6v3zSQwTh
And Saved Youtube Playlists: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC10JnDlKpwYnjKpdA9pRsbw/playlists?view=52&sort=dd&shelf_id=0
I wish people would just accept me as I am lol
You don't even do that.
Maybe I have in a way
like blanc is who I really am, the rest is just, me trying to fuckin, fit some other persons idea of how I should be
No, it's "a character", you've been over this and we've consequently gone at you about your chronic lying for attention and shitty memory.
Blanc is very real
I like who I am, though sometimes I forget,
What's there to like if you can't see yourself?
How can one improve upon themselves if they cannot see themselves.
The potential for blind spots is evidently always available, which is why the therapeutic process is, an ongoing endeavor, which requires continual effort.
It’s not that you *can’t* see yourself, it’s that you are only merely slowly starting to- or trying to.
But having less sight, doesn’t mean you are incapable or- don’t at all. It might be patchy.
It’s always subject to updates.
And having a mental health problem, such as dissociation doesn’t totally disqualify you from doing that, if anything, it probably qualifies you for it more so. Because sometimes you are you, and sometimes, you are outside yourself. And you’ve likely had, many views on yourself.
I clicked cuz i was like why this have so many views lmao
and I’m reading and ... whats this all about?
Man quit lying, you don't read.
Tryptamine:
I care in a genuine way, she has no idea how much she stresses me out
Like we're going to be in the middle of an argument and the person just disappears?
Fuck
MartinLooterKing:
its painful for me to watch u get done like this by someone
im just gonna pretend shes not here kek
she just gaslighted the shit out of u
said smth nasty and when u reacted said its joking and said ur ruining things
made it ur fault
but maybe u enjoy being a martyr / victim
MartinLooterKing:
you keep justifying everything she does
she left the convo and didnt allow u to say ur piece
to have the last word
u must be masochistic lmao
MartinLooterKing:
you didnt accept her joke excuse and she left the convo after blaming u
giving u silent treatment
pouting basically
Tryptamine:
Yeah, that's how she is
MartinLooterKing:
shes punishing u for calling her behavior out
Tryptamine:
I'm aware
MartinLooterKing:
shes waiting for u to apologize and take blame and try to make her better in pm now
Tryptamine:
One of the things I've learned from being involved with her
I never know if things will be stable
I try to be pretty good, I'm even out here full white knight and shit because I know she needs it
In a sense it's fucked up, because other girls are way more attentive to me
To be honest, I'm not so sure what to think anymore
I'm just seeing what happens
Damn, now that's pain.
