good thing you never had any true trauma or hardship in your life you worthless spoiled whore.
I did
you mean you DID
whenever my parents are mean to me i get really angry and suicidally depressed. I also don’t know who i am, and feel that in addition to that, i have conflicting identity states of their own, and moods- which can present themselves unpredictably.
the separation does not exist because of conflicting roles, but rather simply are just separated, without my own will or desire to be that way.
Integration would be ideal, but seems impossible, due to the different nature and dispositions of these, conflicting role states.
I have always felt, an internal argument, and a pushing and pulling of thoughts, and decision making processes. I thought this was a normal way of critical or objective thinking about ones life.
But what can be mistaken as normal indecision, like an inability to choose majors in college, drags on for years- and I never get anywhere conclusive or solid on these issues of indecision and conflict.
The internal arguing is known to be a symptom of BPD, but in BPD these argumentative states don’t desire a consistent sense of self, to front in the body’s life, and to have their own goal objectives, relationships, and personal senses of style- mannerism, speech patterns, hand writing- and opinions.
I lack a congruency in all of these areas, consistently. I thought it was possible that this was due to an up bringing where an internal sense of self and autonomy was not important or was underdeveloped for various reasons.
But even when I *try* to work on this, I inevitably will find myself inadvertently cycling so rapidly through conflicting opinions that I just stopped pursuing anything all together- due to constant uncertainty and lack of consistency in many areas.
In my third residential stay, in October 2017, I wrote that I wanted to get clarity on my identity issues. I repeatedly reported this issue on paper, in an effort to communicate I was having a prominent issue with this, prevailing even over depression and suicidality or anxiety. The issue was never addressed, and I grew frustrated with my treatment, as it wasn’t working.
last edit on
6/17/2020 2:07:26 AM
Its midnight now and youre with him
and I’m spinning spending my nights wishin
i was with you , like a loser
and you still remind me of her
My heart, it breaks, theres no way to make it easier
Baby why does it have to be so hard , why does it have to be so hard
I’m losing my mind and I’m a thousand miles away,
I want you, i need you, i need you to stay
and i dont know what I’m singing about anymore, anymore
and i dont knowi what I’m doing with this stupid love, anymore, anymore
Lmao so, I was finally having a better day with my body in regard to pain and being able to walk and move and stuff.
And then this morning I just woke up and the pain is coming back, I don’t understand why. It kinda just hurts a ll over my back, like I’m sore from doing something crazy but- I Didn’t, do anything. And then, it starts to also feel like (on really bad days) all my joints and ligaments are coming *apart* and it’s extremely painful but it’s like, nothing will connect.
Mainly in my hips, shoulders, knees, and the bends in my elbows, in my wrists and hands. And they ache.
And uh- My back, feels like it’s “catching” in certain points between the bones in my back. Like, as if they’re slipping around and then getting stuck in a bad position when I straighten back up- so that it’s really painful like, as if they’re crunching into each other (the bones in the spine). That’s what it *feels* like, I don’t know what’s actually creating that pain physiologically but yeah.
But there is also just general soreness in the muscle tissue of my back all over, aching stabbing pain.
The pain in my hips radiates down my thighs from my knee to my calves and shins and ankle.
Ugh, it just hurts all over. I’m going to try not to move- because this is actually a very *mild* “episode” of this- but I know when I’m like this, I’m prone to getting way way way worse, if I move around a lot.
I’m going to try and drink a lot of water and take my meds, and uh, eat right I guess (though that’s what I do everyday) and just, take it really easy (as always) and not do anything like fast or, crazy. I just have to be really careful with my body like it could break at any moment.
If I bend or twist the wrong way or even walk the wrong way like this, I could end up twinging something and making it astronomically worse.
My muscles feel sore and weak and like, stiff almost like, I dont’ know if I feel puffy but, it feels like, it would feel really good to have my entire body gently massaged.
But here’s the tea- doing that actually hurts. So it doesn’t help. Oh god- yeah.
I just leaned forward a bit with my back and it was like, my entire lower back up to the middle was like NOPE not today son-
ugh. Even my forearms hurt, even my thumbs. This is, so, annoying. I thought it was finally going away,... smh
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6/17/2020 10:08:13 AM
Yep i can’t bend over
how the fuck am i going to work with this back issue. Fuck.
Need to resolve this shit.
But anyways-
had a little NA meeting this mo
rning
this morning because
i was thinking of relapse
after talking it out i feel slightly better and determined i need to continue therapy
i wrote down notes from the meeting so i dont forget what was discussed.
it started with me opening up and being boldly honest about all the thoughts on my mind. And then yeah, the rest was history but yeah. Idk if i will share the notes here, i probably should just to reflect on it and have it stashed here for reminders but
It helped me have clearity on *why* i have this reflex to use. And what it’s a result of specifically, and what triggers it.