Notice the time jump between the sad face and then me talking about health shit
i wasn’t meaning the convo about me hurting to be directed at peach talking about Alice, she stoped responding so i came back after a minute else where and was just venting to chat like i always do- empty chat with no one in it- about things that, no one will read
for my own processing purposes in a way and dealing with it emotionally
i know I’m “not allowed to talk about it” and I didn’t mean for it to look like that’s what i was doing like- tryung to over shadow someone’s serious health issues
but i swear to god I’m not
you guys are just really hyper critical of me, i post something about tryp you think I’m jealous of delora. I post something about my health, you think I’m trying to like be Alice or some shit
I realize what i said into the chat was bad timing but, no one was around so i didn’t think anyone would care to notice but i knew, that the people who say I complaint about my health problems as a means to get attention and steal it from Alice would screen shot that shit and use it for their personal predisposition about me which is judge mental and based on assumption
i can’t come across perfectly all the time the way i am internally like, what my intentions are and shit, and things are bound for misperception at some point, but yeah it was just bad timing and
to peach, I’m very sorry if it appeared that way to you, it was just bad timing I thought you had left. I wouldn’t do that face to face, i was just talking to the general public at that point. & the reason i have been talking about my health problems is because they got particularly worse two weeks ago, and it’s concerning to me. But it’s also emotionally difficult so i was venting to feel better about it and de stress, wrap my head around it a bit because i don’t understand it, and also wanting to monitor information for memory keeping purposes.
I was logging information, essentially- not just, “complaining.” To keep note of for doctors visits.
That’s why i write it all down, its not to complani its because i know these symptoms are important, and i also know that, I’m never going to figure this out, if i don’t, try.
So that’s all I’m trying to do. Like if i do or eat certain things i have different results so i’ts a lot to keep track of. I’m trying to “see something” you know? In order to help myself. It’s, a progressive outlook- and an effort to help myself, not, just complaining.
And secondly, i will see a doctor, I’ve been seeing one, and we’re trying to figure it out. The problem is, these “bad days” only happen randomly, so a lot of the time I’m *normally fine* so then i blow it off and I’m like “ah i dont need a doc anymore” (which is EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE btw and my parents give me a hard time about daily) and so I’m like eh I’m fine. My parents are right I DONT NEED A DOCTOR. And then a bad time hits, like I’m having now, which for the last two weeks have made me pretty bad off, and I’m like “what’s WRONG WITH ME” and my parents dont understand so they invalidate it, and try to make it seem like “nothing is wrong” and i get kind of sucked into that mentality like, “just rub some dirt on it.” But then when i lay it all out before me, it allows me to psychologically realize like, yes there is a problem here? Because right now I’m not sure like, is there a problem, or what, ya know.
So I’m just trying to figure my own shit out and i didn’t think anyone cared or read this journal like, it doesnt’ matter ya know, especially walls of text I figured everyone would just ignore it but i guess not and it bothers people but
it does have a reason behind what I’m doing, and, a purpose, etc.
and yeah, my insurance also ran out, so i have to renew that shit. And uh, it doesn’t happen until July for whatever reason so, i have to wait. And i was putting off going to the doc again because of covid, so i just talked with hem on the phone but. I know they’re gonna want to do more blood work and shit but, all of this testing shit does take time so
It’s a process, getting any sort of diagnosis, and this is a “peekaboo” situation so i’ts even harder. Meaning, sometimes there sometimes not.
you just have to kinda realize like this is my journal i can write in it whatever i want lol and also like, don’t stress about me ya know and what I’m doing i guess, but- yeah uh, it’s all good like, we’ll figure it out hopefully and I’ll get better, I’ll be alright. Ya know?
And uh, .... if i don’t say that thing directly then it’s, not something I’m probably thinking doing or have done or want to do or want to say or is not something true about me or my life in any possible way. Like, people make assumptions but, if i don’t say that directly, then that’s not my intention- people derive a lot of meaning out of things i do and say, their own perceptions of it and everything which- is ok like, it’s natural but-
just understand i am a very direct person, and if i wanted something said or communicated, i would just say it.
I’m not, trying to overshadow Alice by talking about whats on my own personal mind, in my own personal life, in my own personal journal- and i didn’t think anyone would even draw correlation between the two, because two things can happen at once and that’s perfectly normal like, thats life man, we’re all human beings who have things going on some people just talk about it more than others.
And of course that opens you up to more judgement and misperception, but hey, ya know. Thats life.
People have been mispercieving me a lot lately but, i just, ya know all i can do is clarify, and then leave it at that but.
It’s to the point i don’t even want to write here anymore because everytime I talk it’s criticized or misjudged or misunderstood or misrepresented and people inevitably hate me despite not knowing me and just judging me a lot so it’s not really all that fun but, at the same time i am a confident enough person to sort of just brush it off and understand, just because they “think” that, doesn’t make it true about me and, i *know* that in, my heart, so that’s all that matters like, i know who i am and, I’m, good, with who i am and I’m happy, with who i am and how i am, and i know, I’m aight like.
But ppl ya know, people are people. People are gonna do what people do, i can’t do much about it i just do my own thing
and people think shit about it like, i just write in my journal oh man i coughed and theyre like, u got corona? I’m like oh man my leg hurts, and they’re like “ur copying me, my leg hurts” and I’m just like.... *face palm* lol
idk man. It’s kind of immature if you think about it but, hey, it’s okay i mean, we all do it I’m sure. The whole, making assumptions and judging people in our heads thing. It’s purely natural like, no worries man.
