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It would be nice to have emotions

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But I’m dulled out from these meds so I hardly have any feelings 


#dead inside 


but when I do feel off the meds it’s like, woah nelly, slow down there


*spirals out of control and hits a wall going full speed* 


so it has to be this way. 

but it would be nice because I don’t know does anyone just go about their day like “I’m dead inside :)”


*walking to class holding my books smiling* whilst thinking, “kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me.” 

*writinf chemistry notes* “kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me” 


*studying in the library* “kill me kill me kill me* 


*eating dinner and then showering* kill me kill me kill me... 


in church... kill me kill me kill me 


Chilling on the beach... kill me god... kill me 


*goes to work again* kill me kill me kill me 


like, I want to be happy but I’m so just, unhappy with everything and I don’t know what’s missing but it always feels like I am missing something. 

Like, the drive to just, be a person and do things, and have goals is hard. Some days I’m better than others, and can get more into it 


but there’s always a part of me that just doesn’t care, and can’t bring myself to... 


um. And it’s hard cuz I know I can’t live that way like it inhibits your quality of life and success and etc. 


but I’m just so flat sometimes I just, don’t want to socialize or work or do, anything even the things I enjoy. 

I just want to close my eyes and cease to exist because the full nothingness is inescapable and sort of painful after a while like an itch in the back of your head that sounds like nails on a chalk board or train cars squeeling by and noisy traffic. And you just want it to stop but it never, does. 

So the only way to get away from the noise in your mind that floods your thoughts and screeches in your head, is to just knock out. Lol

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0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

I feel like said dullness is relative. People tend to miss their highs when they try to level out. 

How do others see you irl right now? 

Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔
last edit on 1/20/2020 8:41:13 PM
Posts: 3747
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

Somehow my depression got triggered yesterday i can’t remember now what it was but this happens sometimes. I will just get a slight tinge or resurgence of depression remnants upon a specific trigger and maybe get stuck like that for two hours or two days 


but i typically get over the mood and back to normal after a bit thankfully, (usually, lately), and I think it’s mostly thanks to medication and taking good care of myself in various ways, and previous strengthening i’ve done of my mental health serving as a “fight back” response to the depression to level myself out mentally. 


As well as having various methods of dealing with it, coping mechanisms, etc. 


Like now I’m feeling much better and back to normal and can enjoy normal things and feel optimistic about my future, like my life, and am stable feeling in that i have no trouble with motivating myself to work or do school work or decorate my house and things like that. 


Sometimes i get out of it though and start feeling quite the opposite like, “whats the point of all of this, none of this matters i dont care.” And feel to blah to just, enjoy jack shit that I Normally do. 



over all i would say that I’ve most definitely improved over the years from where i started with depression at my worst point and how i was before treatment vs. now. And other people around me would most definitely agree. 


Saying *most* of the time i seem okay and like my old self, energetic, motivated, focused, normal. Not cranky anymore. Eating well. Sleeping well. Happy, smiling. 


As well as just a lot of my personality has come back, i seem like my old self, I’m more at ease, more confident, and just generally happier seeming. 


When I am depressed people can tell (usually). But minor temporary bouts like this one I had which I wrote this original post about above, they’re easier to hide. But very highly attuned people will notice something being off who know me very well or see me on a daily basis. 


People at work will notice, they’ll say things like, “you like miserable.” And I had no idea I appeared different in anyway, I dont know how they picked up on this shift but, on days where I am depressed, people can still tell. 


But the frequency and the duration this happens is, few and far between and way more brief, and the severity hits a lot less hard and the array of symptoms are less intense, extensive and or dangerous. 


So this, little bout for example I documented above by rambling my thoughts, is a very *light* version of it, compared to what I’ve experienced in the past and I would consider this still myself “better” than I was. It’s still a marked improvement.


My therapist explained as I continue getting better, this exact thing I’ve described will happen, with it occurring less frequently, with less duration and not to the same extent or intensity as before. Over time. 


So it’s normal, to have a bad day here and there with depression while treating it and yeah, I’ve noticed for me personally it kind of has to be *triggered* now usually. (Usually) lol. 

last edit on 1/21/2020 12:55:43 AM
Posts: 1036
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

You don't seem to have been doing anything impactful, novel, or emotionally significant for a while. Getting a 9-5 doesn't count, that's a relative means to an anticlimactic end. It would be more surprising if you weren't morose.

Posts: 3747
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

You don't seem to have been doing anything impactful, novel, or emotionally significant for a while. Getting a 9-5 doesn't count, that's a relative means to an anticlimactic end. It would be more surprising if you weren't morose.

 You're making a big assumption which is that you know everything going on in my life currently... 


you did at one time when we were together, mostly but. It's been years since then. 


But yeah happiness doesn't have a lot to do with what you do as much as it does something else... hard to explain. Just in my opinion. 


But it's a balance, obviously what you do does have some impact inevitably. But it's not, everything there is, to happiness. 


And depression isn't necessarily the lack of happiness or, the lack of, things you require to be happy- as much as it is a psychological disorder. My diagnosis is major depressive disorder, aka clinical depression. 


So, this is more of a psychological thing that takes a therapeutic approach, in addition to life style choices and behaviors, etc. 


So yeah, what you *do* is half the battle but, it's not all of it when dealing with this type of disorder. :) 



ex. someone with clinical depression could be doing everything right, they could have all the right perspectives, health, balance, nutrition. sound perspectives, balanced life style choices. Exercise. Social engagement, fulfillment in every area of life possible. But, there would still be something going wrong, and they would still be struggling. Because this disorder isn't a result of the person being at fault in some way or not doing enough, it's often not external at all. 


Depression can be circumstantial, which is labelled as circumstantial depression in order to clarify the distinction between types. There are many different types of depression, thus many different treatment approaches. 


It has to be this way because, telling someone with clinical depression that they aren't "doing enough" will ultimately just worsen the experience for them and drive them further to suicide, which, statistically the probability of is inevitably already very high. It's hard to explain why that happens. That would take longer to explain but... 


But to keep it simple, my brain chemicals don't work right, it distorts my experience of life pretty seriously, and drastically. To the point where, the reality I'm experiencing is kind of awful. So to take someone who's already getting the shit kicked out of them with depression who's trying their best, and really struggling with it, it's not easy you know. And then kick them in the face with a, "you should try harder, bitch." just, ouch. lol.... it's like, you're already walking to work in the pouring freezing rain with not umbrella and you're running an hour late, and you couldn't find your jacket so you're developing hypothermia at this point- and someone comes out of no where on the side of the road and just slams you with a tidal wave of dirty puddle water head to toe. 




it makes sense to you logically to be like, "hey, maybe, you should do more stuff." but it's not the approach you wanna take when trying to help someone with this specific type of diagnosis. If that worked, it would be so easily cured and we wouldn't really need therapists and medication. It's just a little more complicated than, telling someone to be better, to get better. 


I guess we can call that the "personal trainer" approach. Like, "c'mon, just left more weights and you'll get stronger. easy." 


it's.... more complex than that unfortunately but I do appreciate the incentive and I know you're coming from the right, place and have good intentions. Like, I get where you're coming from. It's just, a more functionalist approach. 

last edit on 1/21/2020 2:41:39 AM
Posts: 1937
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

but you dont have depression, you have mythomania and NPD

2:48Spatial Mind The guy was sticking his dick in an infants mouth, it was so fucking disturbing
Posts: 3747
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...



clinical depression + random guy, "hey, just, try doing more shit. especially meaningful shit. then you won't be depressed" = no positive result 


if you want to look at like a formula, and clinical depression is the equation aka the function, of x. and then you plug in for x, a variable solution. the solution you chose is never, going to give you a solution in the optimal range aka a positive result above zero. 


it just will always result in, zero change, or potential for negative change, a result below zero. 

Posts: 3747
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

but you dont have depression, you have mythomania and NPD

I know this may come as a shock to people but, drum roll please, I do *actually* have depression



I'm flattered at this point you think I'm twisted enough to fake it for years on a random online forum for some strange ulterior motive like gaining attention to feed my own, narcissism or histrionic need for attention. That would be hilarious if I spent months in psych wards, thousands of dollars on therapists, psychiatrists, and treatment facilities, and even specialist physicians, and neurological therapists, EMDR trauma specialists, and medications, not to mention actually orally taking them-


all just, for the sake of pretending. 




Not to mention, how crazy it would be that all these doctors that have seen me would be incredibly wrong about their diagnosis, despite the years they spent studying and specializing in diagnosing and treating said disorders. But, instead, some random guy on the internet who's never met me, is magically (almost, like some sort of whimsical wizard, by a stroke of genius) correctly diagnosed me with something else, contrary to, not having any sort of degree, experience, or study in the field of psychology or anything remotely close to it. 


How, crazy would that be. I wonder what the likelihood of something like that happening is. I bet it's, hm. let me think. Slim to none? Hm. I mean, just according to my calculations, the statistical probability of you being right, is, actually hm... a -0% chance? 


*posts pictures of my diagnosis that is written on discharge paperwork and signed by a legitimate psychiatrist* 


last edit on 1/21/2020 3:01:20 AM
Posts: 3747
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

Posts: 3747
0 votes RE: It would be nice to hav...

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