For once I'm going to put up a post that isn't a question. This will be a rant to get off my chest the typical dynamic I see here and am tired to death of. I challenge it when I have the energy for it, but often times don't follow through because I'm learning to use my energy more wisely. That is to say, in a way that is healthy for me.
I make that last distinction because I want you all to know that I'm not saying anyone here is a total waste of energy, or that I'm finding more important things to do, because that would be typical sc ego bullshit. This place is very important to me and the people here are not a total waste of time. Yet, I can't help longing for something more.
A longing to see people learning new ways of thinking and communicating ideas. A desire to see people grow and challenge themselves, rather than growing stagnate or complacent in who they think they are right now.
I long to see people be truly brave, instead of passing aggression and abuse off as strength, and hiding themselves as being wise or something they do because no one here is worth showing who they really are to.
That's typical sc ego lies.
You don't hide your genuine self away because it's so valuable and precious, that only worthy people should be trusted with this gift of gold. You hide your genuine selves because you're afraid that genuine self is fools gold, and of no value to anyone who might see that self as weak and shit all over it. You'd rather get shit on for being a "persona" than get shit on for who you really are. That way you can pet your trembling ego and say: "Shhhh, it's OK. They're only shitting on me because they don't know the real me. Therefore, they are not really shitting on me."
You're lying to yourself if you think that's the case.They really are shitting on the real you. The coward you, who can't admit you care about what people think of you. The you who can only open up to people you think are safe. People who will protect your ego the way you do.
You think people don't see this true you because you overestimate yourself and underestimate other people. You think that people are observing you based on the words they read on the screen, and not based on patterns of repeated behaviour, and that is sometimes true. There are going to be people who come here that are so narcissistic they have too many blinders on to see others clearly, or to look inside themselves.
And there are going to be people who troll you because they enjoy the reaction they get from you, because just like you, it's like oxygen to them. They use your insecurities to soothe their own. They attack your character because they're uncomfortable with their own.
But there are also people who recognise your bullshit because they are or were, the same kind of bullshitter. You should listen to those people.They have learned or are in the process of learning to be braver. Instead of saying, they are the ones learning to do. Instead of pretending, they are making it real.
The people who say they don't give a shit, are the people who give a shit the most. The people who say this place has no value, place no value in themselves or how they spend their time.
Those who claim to be bored of this place or the people here, are really saying they find themselves so dull, they depend on this place to feel interesting.
If you say you didn't come here to better yourself, you've probably manipulated people to see how believable your greatness is, or tested whether your sob story is worth a pep talk and a pat on the back? You've probably fished for compliments or have this misconception that arrogance is the same thing as confidence.
You may believe you know yourself so completely that when others say something about you that's foreign to how you see yourself, you dismiss it as untrue.
You may think you have nothing left to learn but that is the worst thing you can believe. Do you really think manipulation and conning people is a sign of your intelligence and talent? Do you really see being violent and rigid, a parasite, as being some superhuman unfazed and untouchable?
In that case, you are about as amazing as my hillbilly father, who is rotting in a wheelchair, is bankrupt, has no friends, and has been abandoned by most of his family. He has nothing to show for all his charm, wit, and cunning, and no one left to live on now that he's been exposed completely. Because a parasite will always need a host. A narcissist is only as good as his/her supply. Eventually the well runs dry and you'll be faced with all your weakness, your mortality, your insignificance, but you won't be able to fight them off or soothe them anymore.
Empathy is not a form of retardation and conscience is not a weakness. It is far braver to be your genuine self no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, because that is the only way you will learn to build real strength. You will never know how great you can be as long as you're stuck pretending to be great. You'll never learn how to stop caring what other people think of you, until you put yourself all the way out there for the world to see, and realize that rejection won't kill you. Failure doesn't lessen your value.
Ego is the enemy. It's a fucking liar. Pandering to it keeps you weak. I dare you to stop faking it. Stop saying you don't care. Stop acting like it doesn't matter. Stop lying to yourself about how awesome you are compared to everyone else.
Sociopaths are not gods to worship.They are mortals. Flesh and blood mortals. If you aspire to be one, you're already there. But that doesn't make you much different than anyone else who is pandering to their own ego, and look around you boys and girls... that's almost everyone.
End Rant
