Sociopath Community

I've had these types of thoughts like, where I'm driving and suddenly the thought comes in like "drive into the center divide" No brain shut up. "do donuts on the freeway and take as many cars with you as possible." or " jump out of the moving vehicle."  same with knifes with cooking or like you said-- scissors.

They aren't always self harm though and that scares me. I have more violent thoughts towards others that I know are bad. What if one day I act on them? What if one day I do ram a pen up the underside of a clients jaw and its not just a scene playing in my head or what if I do accidently scratch my dog too hard and pull out chunks of his skin or punt the baby?

The details are vivid and sometimes when I come out of it, it's like a snap back into reality and a constant questioning of what did I just do? wait did I just-? and having to assess the scene to make sure I didn't just harm someone or check myself. I'm not able to answer someone asking me how was my day at time because I'm not entirely sure. 

Does it make sense to say I doubt most of my memories and more often then not begin to suspect people of trying to plant things to suggest a memory could not be as accurate as I had thought?

What many of you are describing is a psychological phenomenon called l'appel du vide.

The good news is it's perfectly normal and almost universal.

The bad news is that it can be a pathological manifestation of underlying psychiatric illness, most commonly OCD.

When these "calls of the void" are accompanied by significant distress, or become intrusive ruminations, I'd be thinking OCD for sure.

I don't sense an invisible directive or feel that anything is working against me. 

You may be wanting to make things more difficult for yourself so that you can avoid confronting something else. Just a guess. 

Unwarranted thoughts and imagery can be a sign of OCD.

It's vexing.  I don't disagree outright that it's something I'm avoiding or trying to keep from thinking or confronting.  Whatever reasons I may have had, conscious or subconscious, for doing so has only led me back to trying to find out.  Or is it that whatever drove the avoidance is now being countered by a similar but opposed drive for resolution, perhaps.  It appears that the strategy has begun backfiring, which then also has me hesitate and debating if I really should probe into something or not.

You're right about the OCD and compulsive thinking described.  That part is fairly familiar by now.  It's certainly the fuel for preferred and extended isolation.

Buttered Toast stated: source post

Well, might as well just dive into this while I retain some cohesion and motivation.  Have you ever found yourself not trusting yourself?  Are there certain factors that you discern which lead you to doubt your own concern for your own well-being?  Is there a part of you that has some agenda that you can't make out or ratiocinate?

Of course, I realize this sounds like paranoid raving.  It's part of the tactic I believe this mysterious agent employs to simply make it difficult to discuss.  This part, since it either is a portion of you or otherwise intimately aware of you as you are of yourself, is the best foil to all your attempts against it.  It's such that even if you might think you're aware of it, it offers you absolutely no leverage.  Attempts to do so are interpreted as some sort of cognitive defect or dissonance or dissociation or whatever.

What is the aim of this invisible directive?

A mix of factors has made me fatigued trying to just write off this funny thinking, so that I'm integrating these "challenges" as having this intent in order to weaken resolve to whatever it is I'm blindly resisting or avoiding.  I like to gorge on information of all kinds.  It could be an addiction or something, but as it feels like now, it's as though some subconscious agency is trying to fry these circuits to devalue the product of pure rationality.  Why does this shit have to involve fooling myself or leading myself or doing things without my awareness or (conscious) intent?

I feel like things are taking me to another psychotic break, but not quite that magnitude yet.  I assume that's why things seem a little more stretched and drawn out, so that digestion doesn't result in reflexively regurgitating counter-productively.  Resistance to sleep, social participation, therapy, medication...and all that just been building up for months now.  I've rationalized some of those things away from me, making some sort of reason that I've been worn down to accept as part of it.

I don't really expect anything out of posting this other than just getting this shit out of my head.

I have never felt irrational. My mind is always rational, even when i am in a rare emotional state, my mind doesn't seem to care. It acts irrationally, but thinks rationally. Maybe its trying to distract me, i do not know. Even when i am angry, especially when i am very angry, my mind gets very relaxed and focused then. Its weird.

Then after the event, i do not even remember the emotions i felt. I must of felt them, but i do not remember it.
I used to get angry easily and act irrationally, while my mind didn't think i was irrational and forget my irrational emotions afterwards. That was not a good thing at all and it was self destructive. I have much better management now.

I am just always angry. Embrace yourself, in a balanced way.

But if i slip my control, i will not act wisely lol. However i will have fun, i can tell you that. And i wont regret it, it will just be stupid. And the directive says: don't be stupid.