Sociopath Community

"Maybe not quite the same thing...but sometimes I'll be using scissors or some other tool and think I'll lose control and suddenly gauge my eye out. I've thought I'd drive into something like a rail or wall by the neutral ground or make out with a family member freeze on train tracks right as the train is coming or other weird scenarios like that."

I can relate to this. I read an article on it too awhile back, I'll see if I can find it but searching up "killing yourself for no reason" wont bring up anything specific. I'll have urges to just throw my phone off a bridge, hand my wallet to a stranger, drive into a tree, attack someone, randomly steal things, along with the same things you posted about the suicidal impulses. I read that such rash but life changing impulses occur out of a deep rooted curiosity and because of how drastic the circumstances are we cant fully imagine the results to sate that curiosity. Leading to inclinations to just jump off a bridge when you're walking over it, not even being the slightest bit suicidal. 

Of course at the same time, this is hard to distinguish from suicide ideation in my eyes 

Buttered Toast stated: source post

Have you ever found yourself not trusting yourself?

Constantly. I'm both me and not me simultaniously in the worst of times. 
 

 Are there certain factors that you discern which lead you to doubt your own concern for your own well-being?  

It's just a feeling. Colors are brighter and paler, facial motions are more vibrant and claymation-y, I'm more sensitive to sound, OCD quirks return more harshly, I'll see things in shapes, people will seem more dangerous, talking to myself slowly becomes a thing along with obvious physical tells, it'll be harder to leave the house... 

More notably there's this inescapable feeling that "something is wrong". It's inescapable, there's no explanation for it, and the mind will try to find reasons. It took me telling myself repeatedly that I was inventing reasons to recognize that the "something is wrong" feeling is baseless, a hint that my stability is going in a bad direction. 
 

Is there a part of you that has some agenda that you can't make out or ratiocinate?

A series of them, both paranoid and self-sabotaging. 
 

Of course, I realize this sounds like paranoid raving.  

I didn't see it as that until you said it. 
 

It's part of the tactic I believe this mysterious agent employs to simply make it difficult to discuss.

Write stuff down, stream of consciousness it. It doesn't have to make sense. It can be hard to hold onto memories of those times. 
 

This part, since it either is a portion of you or otherwise intimately aware of you as you are of yourself, is the best foil to all your attempts against it.  

Basically, from knowing yourself so well, you become your own worst enemy. 

...yeah. Nothing can insult you quite as well as you can insult yourself. 
 

It's such that even if you might think you're aware of it, it offers you absolutely no leverage.  

It does offer some actually. While acting on it you're stuck as an observer, but when lucid you can try to stop it from happening in the first place. 

It also offers the means to doubt yourself instead of getting entirely lost to it even after the fact. Lower-functioning types can actually believe that those times are what's real. 
 

Attempts to do so are interpreted as some sort of cognitive defect or dissonance or dissociation or whatever. 

What do you mean?
 

A mix of factors has made me fatigued trying to just write off this funny thinking,

It's good that you recognize it as "funny". 
 

I like to gorge on information of all kinds.  It could be an addiction or something

What info do you gorge on here? 
 

it's as though some subconscious agency is trying to fry these circuits to devalue the product of pure rationality.

That sounds more like rationalizing how to think if you lose control of it, you trying to trick yourself into thinking that you aren't in control because you didn't want to be. 
 

 Why does this shit have to involve fooling myself or leading myself or doing things without my awareness or (conscious) intent?

You likely believe subconsciously that you're going to lose control anyway. In such a case, you'd really be trying to convince yourself that it happened from not caring about it so that your illusion of self control can remain intact. Accepting that you can't control those times can provide the intent to care about stopping it from happening in the first place, if not preparing for it in advance so that it won't impact your life poorly. 

Awareness is better than tricking yourself to feel that much more secure. 
 

I feel like things are taking me to another psychotic break, but not quite that magnitude yet.

Do you have any sick days? I tend to use mine for mental wellness more than physical problems. For myself anyway, once it gets to a certain point I just kind of have to... let it happen so that it'll go away. Controlling the environment helps in that case. 
 

Resistance to sleep, social participation, therapy, medication...and all that just been building up for months now.

Wait what's this part? 
 

I don't really expect anything out of posting this other than just getting this shit out of my head.

Let us know how things go.  

tl;dr

Systematic stated: source post

"Maybe not quite the same thing...but sometimes I'll be using scissors or some other tool and think I'll lose control and suddenly gauge my eye out. I've thought I'd drive into something like a rail or wall by the neutral ground or make out with a family member freeze on train tracks right as the train is coming or other weird scenarios like that."

I can relate to this. I read an article on it too awhile back, I'll see if I can find it but searching up "killing yourself for no reason" wont bring up anything specific. I'll have urges to just throw my phone off a bridge, hand my wallet to a stranger, drive into a tree, attack someone, randomly steal things, along with the same things you posted about the suicidal impulses. I read that such rash but life changing impulses occur out of a deep rooted curiosity and because of how drastic the circumstances are we cant fully imagine the results to sate that curiosity. Leading to inclinations to just jump off a bridge when you're walking over it, not even being the slightest bit suicidal. 

Some people have this feeling happen when looking over cliffs. 
 

Of course at the same time, this is hard to distinguish from suicide ideation in my eyes 

Ideation is fantasizing it positively.  

"Some people have this feeling happen when looking over cliffs. "

I get those urges, I just recognize mine as still a curiosity and less of me wanting to die like that

Turncoat stated: source post
 

Is there a part of you that has some agenda that you can't make out or ratiocinate?

A series of them, both paranoid and self-sabotaging. 

What kind of agendas are they, more specifically?  How did you go about piecing together this plot against yourself -- causes, deduction, etc.?

Of course, I realize this sounds like paranoid raving.  

I didn't see it as that until you said it. 

What did you see it as before I said it?

It's part of the tactic I believe this mysterious agent employs to simply make it difficult to discuss.

Write stuff down, stream of consciousness it. It doesn't have to make sense. It can be hard to hold onto memories of those times. 

I could try with more determination going forward, but often it feels like the racing thoughts just wear down desire to have to (sort of) think them again and engrave them within the material universe.  Even a stream of consciousness can be difficult because it's not always translatable into language.  I guess there must also be stream of conscious doodling or something?

It's such that even if you might think you're aware of it, it offers you absolutely no leverage.  

It does offer some actually. While acting on it you're stuck as an observer, but when lucid you can try to stop it from happening in the first place. 

It also offers the means to doubt yourself instead of getting entirely lost to it even after the fact. Lower-functioning types can actually believe that those times are what's real. 

Well, I suppose this can explain an interest in states and changes of consciousness.  Introspection over this has led me to finding what I thought was solid ground was really quicksand.
 

Attempts to do so are interpreted as some sort of cognitive defect or dissonance or dissociation or whatever. 

What do you mean?

Part of the smokescreen the inner opposition can throw in the way.  Either as deterrent from treatment or other means by which it reinforces the futility of escape.

A mix of factors has made me fatigued trying to just write off this funny thinking,

It's good that you recognize it as "funny". 

Why?
 

I like to gorge on information of all kinds.  It could be an addiction or something

What info do you gorge on here?

Well, I guess it sort of boils down to social mechanics, observation and a kind of beta testing for thoughts, etc.  It's a pocket dimension I can simulate and engage in certain curiosities.  It is also is somewhere I can put that hunger aside and just forget about shit and amuse myself.
 

it's as though some subconscious agency is trying to fry these circuits to devalue the product of pure rationality.

That sounds more like rationalizing how to think if you lose control of it, you trying to trick yourself into thinking that you aren't in control because you didn't want to be. 

To be honest, this sort of Oroboros pursuit has helped me remove me from certain types of circular reasoning and witness it, hold several possibilities simultaneously in my mind and let things work themselves out on their own.  I am beginning to see the traps and it has helped me in situations where others have tried to get away with shit like that with me, often without them even realizing.
 

 Why does this shit have to involve fooling myself or leading myself or doing things without my awareness or (conscious) intent?

You likely believe subconsciously that you're going to lose control anyway. In such a case, you'd really be trying to convince yourself that it happened from not caring about it so that your illusion of self control can remain intact. Accepting that you can't control those times can provide the intent to care about stopping it from happening in the first place, if not preparing for it in advance so that it won't impact your life poorly. 

Awareness is better than tricking yourself to feel that much more secure. 
 

I feel like things are taking me to another psychotic break, but not quite that magnitude yet.

Do you have any sick days? I tend to use mine for mental wellness more than physical problems. For myself anyway, once it gets to a certain point I just kind of have to... let it happen so that it'll go away. Controlling the environment helps in that case. 

Maybe...  I am also trying to occupy some time with a project or two right now.
 

Resistance to sleep, social participation, therapy, medication...and all that just been building up for months now.

Wait what's this part? 

Well, it seems as though this subconscious agenda has begun a dismantling process of making it look like obstacles against it are not going to work.  It's just pushing me to give up things, gradually and piecemeal.  And now the pieces I've plucked out are more noticeable over time.  Does his make sense?  I can recognize it now, I think, but I still retain the feeling it was a good idea to stop going to therapy, taking meds, etc. etc.
 

These kinds of things happen to me, too.  What I've gathered about it is that it's a form of Obsessive-Compulsive behavior.  Compulsive thinking.  A lot of it has to do with playing out a scenario you don't want to think about, but think about anyway.  It's not necessarily suicide ideation, I think, for it can be what looks like out-of-place or inappropriate actions of all sorts.  This sort of thinking has also manifested in my paranoid thoughts: imagining and playing out all worst case scenarios and trying to consider them all as objectively as possible, but it hinders more than helps.

Why? You can't imagine it?

I just remember how it felt the last few times I accidentally cut and burned myself while cooking, and then the times I dislocated my hip and shoulder joints, the time our bunkbeds fell apart when I was 6 and my sister and her bed were crushing me for 5 whole minutes, plus every broken bone I've ever had. I double the cutting pain in my mind and add childbirth and repeatedly bashing my solar plexus while I fell down a 3 storey sand dune to it.

(These injuries happened over a 25 year time span, btw.)

I figure getting run over by a train must be similar to that combo. Maybe worse. Maybe not as bad. Pain will stop altogether if the spinal column is severed. That's why a quick, clean decapitation is the most painless way to die.

Do you find yourself drawn to other types of things that are contrary to (what you think are) your sensibilities and taste,etc.?  Paranoia and fears rational and irrational have been the impetus to explore these areas, to the point where other stuff seems somewhat boring in comparison.  At some point, it's turned into its own addiction.  I've become completely unworried about many things to the point where it seems I want to relive experiences where I still felt it.  Desensitization has backfired for me in some cases.