Sociopath Community

blanc stated: source post

Do you experience this problem too?

Somewhat. My identity feels more like a list of traits and old answers rendered into scripts through sheer repetition, something I fill out on a form more than something I feel. The times that are the exception to the rule tend to be a bit too much to handle, so I somewhat try to ignore myself in favor of studying other people. What began as trying to figure myself out through other people to overcome a blind spot eventually became finding people different enough from me to keep myself distracted. I tend to get lost into my thoughts as if they're everything that matters in that moment when they're triggered by something, and if it ruminates it can become obsessive. Keeping it to scripts and details makes it simpler and clears my focus so that I'll notice what's going on around me. It also makes it easier to multitask, and having thoughts about something in advance serves to protectively remove the shock from it. 
 

But I recall now (it took me several years to be able to remember this) that during a time of abuse in my life I would doodle in a journal and I remember writing, "I don't know who I am" quite a few times.

Sounds better than "Why am I this person" anyway. 
 

I also remember after it was over, I would look in the mirror and struggle with recognizing it as myself. 

I always forget what my own face looks like. 
 

I feel like I don't really have one. 

What is identity anyway?  

No, but you sound genuinely sexy.

Turncoat stated: source post

What is identity anyway?  

That seems to be all the rage these days..." to identify as __" Weird...but is what it is..

Always been a 'machine'...i.e. plow through anything...one way or another....but not with crutches (drugs/ booze) ...so...different background noise for each person.

You used the word ; 

genuine

adjective

1. truly what something is said to be; authentic.

   "genuine 24-carat gold"

   
   (of a person, emotion, or action) sincere.

   • "a genuine attempt to put things right"

 I lack the ability to be genuine.

Genuine with yourself or with others?

I was born in confusion

Molded by anger

And perfected by reason

The questions are indeed "What do you want?" and "Who do you believe in?"
Never compromise principles.

"Stand firm, smite hard

If you need an example, follow ours"

I have had problems identifying myself, until i answered the second question.

I'm on mobile so I'm just going to reply to everything in one go without any quotes. 

Turncoat, I relate heavily to your script metaphor thanks for sharing. 

C'est, I agree with the part about multiple personas that have always been present. But I feel that they are often there for manipulative/malevolent or selfish purposes. So it would be hypocritical to really say I try my best to stay on any sort of moral high ground clinging to good values. I also believe that with age the line between what is you and what isn't you, what you will and won't believe in, what you will and won't do, what do and don't like, blurs together at an increasing rate. I've become increasingly more open to trying new things, to the extent that the idea of identity becomes more of a self constructed ideal than anything innate. And then there's the issue that I constantly change. It's why I can't get any tattoos. 

Primal, I struggle with genuinity toward myself and toward others. I'm not governed by an innate sense of self and thus my decisions are left to reason or selfish intentions. 

And it's true that the millennial generation is a tad bit self obsessed. It would be interesting to understand why that is, from anthropological and psychological 

perspective. 

ThenFuckIt thanks for sharing that it makes a lot of sense to me. If you gave me a set code to follow I most likely would break it within a matter of days. It's part of my problem, inability to conform. 

I would have to truly believe in it. And I don't think I really believe in many things. 

Who is it that you believe in? Yourself? Reason? 

blanc stated: source post

 

Primal, I struggle with genuinity toward myself and toward others. I'm not governed by an innate sense of self and thus my decisions are left to reason or selfish intentions. 

And it's true that the millennial generation is a tad bit self obsessed. It would be interesting to understand why that is, from anthropological and psychological 

Kind of curious...how can you even know you lack an innate self? 

Being genuine with yourself first...is that brutal hard look in your own mirror and owning your shit....all of it with no excuses for it...but understanding why you  made whatever choices that you did....and that which you dislike about yourself....you change...fix ...however it needs to be done. 

thus my decisions are left to reason or selfish intentions. 

Reason beats emotions over the long haul IMO. Selfish intentions....that's on you...if all your dealings with others are one sided...eventually they won't be there at all...and you should expect that to be the case. Would you stick around for one sided situation that left you in the negative on a consistent basis? 

blanc stated: source post

perspective. 

ThenFuckIt thanks for sharing that it makes a lot of sense to me. If you gave me a set code to follow I most likely would break it within a matter of days. It's part of my problem, inability to conform. 

I would have to truly believe in it. And I don't think I really believe in many things. 

Who is it that you believe in? Yourself? Reason? 

I was trying to reason things that are subjective and it clearly didn't work. Reason is objective. But i found people i like and felt emotions for, no not love lol. Friends. And they made it clear to me, that i have to understand my subjective needs and carter to them, because that makes objective sense. Now i believe in my friends, i do not need to question them, think about them or anything. I just have faith and its relaxing.

I always had faith in myself. I was born with it, never lost it.

My principles are made to be adaptive, they will adapt to the current situation, they are driven by the environment that i live in. And until i could answer some subjective questions, they were missing variables and were incomplete and i didn't know what i want. I really had no direction. I can't really give you examples thought, because i was never sure of what i was missing, i just felt i was missing something, like i would ask myself: "Why should i care, why should i put effort" etc. I never had a reason or a reward for my actions and i do not experience joy a lot either. But now my actions feel like they have a reason and a reward, but i wont disclose why.

Oh my god... I really need to stop posting on here while not totally sober