Sociopath Community

I was evil.

You can't answer like that, you must give rich details, it doesn't count if you use just one word to describe your former self.

Very evil.

My family moved around a lot. As a child, I never experienced the kind of friendships that kids develop over the course of growing up around familiar peers. That combined with unstable parenting led me to be unempathetic. In turn, I became self-centered, rather inept at relationships, and even cruel at times. I likely could have met a diagnosis for "conduct disorder."

But generally, I tended toward politeness and good manners which were often commented on. I knew how others wanted me to act and most of the time did so, but I did not consciously concoct it as acting. In retrospect, my manners were probably a mix of wanting approval and ulterior motives that gradated based on the situation. I was not a Machiavellian, but at times I did act like one.

I had a few close friends (usually outcasts) wherever I moved, and I cherished my time with them. We would mostly play with Legos, Nintendo games, the computer, or board games with their families. My family had a decent amount of forest property, so sometimes my friends and I would venture into it.

I was fascinated by information, and spent countless hours pouring through the three-volume encyclopedia I had, as well as the original Encyclopedia Encarta. Everything was interesting to me, from GDPs of nations, to etymology, to Greek mythology. My mother gave me her psychology textbook from when she attended college. While my mind was too underdeveloped for some concepts, that book has influenced me to this day, and probably has much to do with my interest in neuroscience. I was at times berated for my tendency to hole myself up in my room, but I couldn't help but to be engrossed in whatever I was focused on at the time.

Tracing back to my childhood, I can't help but to think of the psycho-development that's taken place over my life. Everything seems remote, yet still continuous.

I am not sure what you mean.

I had stages where my behavior changed drastically. Years 4 - 9 I was extremely polite and incredibly shy, the only people I'd really speak to would be my mother and some kids my age. Even me and my brother didn't speak, we just communicated with looks and nods of the head. I was considered mature but that's really because I never broke any rules and never was too wild. I loved learning about animals and was nose deep in my microscope for the longest time. Oh and video games all day

10-13 Was a weird period for me, when I went a little power crazy from control I had over the house. I'd run around with my friends barefoot in the streets until 2 a, we'd break into abandoned houses and make them bases for when we stole things. I got drunk my first time at 10 as well and it wasnt with family. Still, that part of me that valued order kept me in line amongst tons of peer pressure to smoke and other bad habits. I came out of that experience more law abiding, but more nonchalant about it as well.

14-17 Were just years of extreme narcissistic grandiose.

My OCD was at it's most unrestricted when I was younger, as I had less reason in my mind to try to conceal the behaviors. As a kid you can do weird stuff and it's taken as considerably more normal, which made way for some weird gridding, behavioral rituals, and number obsessions. I used to draw all the time, I watched a fair deal of television and played a lot of games with the perspective of a critic, and I began using computers before I even went to school with an old classic black and white macintosh. I really liked screens, and once I had an internet connection it became something even more engrossing. 

I was deeply disturbed by religion, my lacking sleep was less of a hindrance, I studied people's behaviors/body languages and endlessly plotted how to behave properly to try to avoid social pitfalls and get the things I'd want (to the point of crazy plot-webs), I got along with both genders during the "cooties" phase despite how socially taboo that was (especially during The Pinecone Wars), I worried about trivial things often, but not physical threats from my father's training, and after leaving my first school I was more actively depressed with self-harm ideations from socially isolating myself after seeing that most of them didn't live up to my former standards. I also had a weird habit of falling into a mentor-like role. 

I didn't really know myself, especially that far back, so I handled learning about myself through learning about other people. If I could find similarities, I could figure myself out through who they were. I had a decent number of friends with the same interests at first, and being in the family that let me watch shows like "Beavis & Butthead" and "South Park" had me with a slight social edge. I was that kid that knew things like the Tooth Fairy and Santa didn't exist before the others, but I felt like I had to keep that to myself from both my folks and my friends to not spoil their excitement for it. I was usually more focused on others than myself, on what I was supposed to be doing at a given time, following the goals I was given from not knowing of other alternative with psych and pop culture as my sword and shield. 

I feel like I spent very little time actually being a kid. Kid stuff never really felt too natural to me, and a lot of things back then seemed very obvious, and for what wasn't I could always look into it or ask my parents. Like now, I worry a lot about how much that participating in something can muck it up from poor improvisation, so I usually prefer to be more of an observer. I was also fairly awkward before I learned how to fake social norms, but only some people could really see it. My crushes were obsessions that more often than not didn't play out, but the few times it did were a little too comforting. 

I was extremely violent and lied / manipulated alot and sadistic but I secretly wished I was a pretty girl that was adored by boys

I was really shy as a kid, I was mean, and I didn't have many friends. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. I was like a pirate taken away from a puppy farm.

I was pretty stupid.