Sociopath Community

No, go right ahead. The fact that you left -redacted- is a clear attempt to show you had something snarky to say. If this place bothered me enough to provoke feelings of suicide I doubt I'd have this many posts. 

It does feel like the only way out, but I see where they're coming from when they want to stop me. Even when they admit after running out of reasons for me not to that it's selfish on their part to want to keep me around, they still do want to keep me around, despite the pain I'm feeling. Love is selfish, they want me around for their own sakes, but that still feels strangely validating. They want me, and to be wanted is to be loved. 

I don't give a shit about guilt in that fashion beyond a small few (mostly my parents), and they haven't been what's stopped me each time, but the fact that they don't want me gone says a lot about what I must mean to them. Many recognize that I'm likely to succeed at some point, but simply want to make it happen as further down the road as possible. Again, love is selfish, but the fact that I am one of their selfish wants is flattering enough to reflect on when I'm not trying to shut myself down. 

I was 5 years deep into stalking when I was woken up by a text message from her at 2 am(I had a special alert noise for her number). She couldn't sleep and baked a cake with my name written in the icing, sent me a picture and thanked me for being her friend for years. I replied with a text telling her I was hungry too(she had eaten the cake). She got her friend who drove at the time to get her to Taco Bell at 3am and bought me a gordita crunch(I asked for no sour cream but it still had it). We met in the parking lot of an ice cream store near my house, I never pedaled my bike so fast.

She gave me my food and a hug, told me in this angelic soft voice that I was the best. I stared at her until she was out of view and then stared the car down until it turned down a street. That was the best gordita I've ever eaten, despite it being comedically filled with sour cream(normally I won't eat it).

does external help always work?

I hope you will some day conquer these suicidal thoughts. you've faced them and survived them and beat them so many times.

your 'but I can convince myself that "the little things" are good enough to keep going. ' is amazing. there's a good chance you'll stay sane for the rest of your life. tough is your middle name. 

Except I still have episodes these days. 

i said something along the lines of: What the fuck you took one minute to read his post and post your reply. you're fast.

until i realized your post was made 3 minutes after tc's.

I have sent a private message. 

When someone showed me they would die for me and only by a miracle (extreme luck) that didn't happen.

It's interesting you see that as a positive experience, I just read it as a really sad one.