Sociopath Community

Awhh such a heartfelt moment :3 I hope you get more hugs.

When my grandmother told me I was the daughter she never had and she wished she could take me with her when she died. 

She had two daughters. They both had BPD. 

When my mother took us out at 3am to a 24 hour diner and let us order whatever we wanted. She ordered a plate of fries and bacon and would trade us fries or bacon for a bite of whatever we had ordered. My dad found us around 5 am and we fell asleep in the car to a series of short stories on the radio with my mom singing 'naranja dulce'.

how many times has that happened?

Many. 

It typically comes up while in the throes of an episode, but that hasn't always been the case. It isn't so much a "cry for help" at the start so much as people noticing that something seems different about me, and once noticed the truth slips out. I've on and off wanted to die for most of my life, and as a teenager that behavior was much more obvious in the form of bashing my head into walls and the like. 

I've been trying harder and harder overtime to not have people notice when I get into those head spaces, but that isn't by choice, but by the irrational feeling of necessity to try to keep others out of it, both for their sake to keep them from worrying and for my own so that they'll be less likely to stop me from doing "what needs to be done", "what I really want", "a way to make it all finally stop". I recognize that open communication is a way to snap me out of it... but so does the portion of me that wants to die. 

When my 3rd grade teacher lifted me up and hugged me and whispered in my ear that I'm his favorite kid after winning some city-wide math competition. I could barely hold my tears since it was the second time I got hugged since I was 4

Pretty much any time that someone close has tried to talk me out of suicide's when I've felt the most loved. 

Such a lame answer. 

Edit: Either that or the time that I had to stop my father from wanting to murder my rapist. It was hard to talk him out of it. 

WW3 stated: source post

does external help always work?

It doesn't help, but it is something that can distract me from it. Their feelings of hopelessness when I've convinced them that it's the right thing for me to do in some cases actually bolsters my resolve, something I saw very strongly during my week or so of trying to starve to death. 
 

I hope you will some day conquer these suicidal thoughts. you've faced them and survived them and beat them so many times.

I didn't beat them, I outlasted them. By the end of each one I've been further convinced that it's the right way to go, but that I am too cowardly to go through with "what needs to be done", especially after my starvation trial when I was truly convinced that I was ready. It takes an episode or an event to surpass my limitations. 

On some level I still want to die while I'm sane, but I can convince myself that "the little things" are good enough to keep going. 

This is interesting to me due to the amount of times I've felt ending my life was the only way out. I've never felt loved when someone talked me out of it or sensed that I was close to that point. The overwhelming guilt of what I'd leave them with is what stops me.