You can't ask for practical advice over a hot line or 7 Cups of Tea?
Otherwise, that post has a fair deal of angst in between the lines.
I guess, but the people at the other end of the hotline can't actually help, and aren't able to offer any realistic practical advice ("YOU'RE BEING A PUSSY AND YOU NEED TO JUST FUCKEN GET OVER IT AND GET A LIFE!!!1") for people in my situation. All they can really do is call the cops to come put me in the mental hospital... again... and that don't help at all.
Besides, if I get suicidal that's my goddamn choice, I shouldn't be taking other people's opinions into account too much, especially not some stranger I don't know or give a fuck about.
I feel like hotlines are just kind of a hugbox for people who need someone to listen just for the sake of listening. Which is what I do not need.
And yeah, my life went all screwy around age 13, so I honestly never matured much beyond that. I'm angsty as fuck, can't even deny that much. I figure that'll sort itself out eventually.
Turncoat has taken this just about everywhere I wanted it to go...
The power of belief/thought should never be dismissed... If you call a help line thinking it is not going to help... everyone is against you anyways... Well, that's the help you will normally initially recieve. No matter who is on the other line.
""YOU'RE BEING A PUSSY AND YOU NEED TO JUST FUCKEN GET OVER IT AND GET A LIFE!!!1""
How often do you figure that that approach works?
"All they can really do is call the cops to come put me in the mental hospital... again... and that don't help at all."
That depends on what you say to them. Do you say edgy enough stuff to force them to resort to that?
"I feel like hotlines are just kind of a hugbox for people who need someone to listen just for the sake of listening. Which is what I do not need."
That mixed with comforting phrases, yeah. They are largely to express that "they are not alone" and to proxy the notion that "someone cares", but many benefit from that when in delusionally passionate suicidal benders.
"And yeah, my life went all screwy around age 13"
What changed, crazy puberty hormones?
"I'm angsty as fuck, can't even deny that much."
It does sound a little like angry crying.
"I figure that'll sort itself out eventually."
Expecting it to sort itself out without any push of your own is more likely to keep you as you are.
"I don't need more false sympathy. I don't need people to pity me. I just need to go do what I need to do."
A lot of words are being put down for something that simple.
Also, if you want the sympathy to be true (which from the use of repetition on your part seems to be the case), you need to give people a reason to care. They need a reason to miss you.
"No. I was just saying, that's all they COULD do, theoretically. False sympathy/pity or call the cops for hospital transport... Nothing else."
Their sympathy might be genuine. They could be the types that wear their heart on their sleeve. Some people are dumb enough to care for a stranger far more than they ought to.
"That just feeds the wrong parts of my mind. I need to be harder on myself."
Nothing is "right" really. What constitutes the wrong parts of your mind is itself a construct of your own mind. It is only wrong because you tell yourself that it is.
"More discipline and self-respect, less whiny emo self-destructive bullshit."
Any plans for how to go about that? If you want that sort of thing you need to command it out of people instead of expecting it to just happen. Getting the things you want takes either carving a path towards it or adjusting your priorities into learning to love what you already have.
"Spent my time at home interacting with "demons", looking at pictures of dead bodies on the internet, listening to ICP and Marilyn Manson, and reading horror novels."
Quite the stereotype you're representing there. That you sound inches away from vampire forums or occult studies.
"That's the short version. Lived in a nightmare void for a long time. It gives me a relatively unique perspective, but I didn't develop the way most people develop, I guess."
Your story sounds like multiple stories details I've heard rearranged into a different combination. Your story is not unheard of, what's different is which pieces fit where and in what order.
"I'm a pretty angry person I guess. But my (misguided) intention was to get practical advice, not fish for pity. I don't really care how I sound."
How you sound will affect how others respond to you. You control your surroundings with your appearances far more than anything else.
"and the immature whiny bullshit will sort itself out once I get all that under control. It's a symptom, not the disease."
I disagree. How you let yourself appear and behave is a major factor for what sort of world you'll build around yourself.
if you want the sympathy to be true
No. I just assume it is all fake. There is no "true" sympathy, because to assume otherwise is potentially dangerous. My reason for pointing that out over and over again is to emphasize my extreme distrust of people and their intentions. This is arguably an error in thinking, but I think it's the safest thing until my head clears up a bit and I can tell who to trust.
It is only wrong because you tell yourself that it is.
Correct. But I label certain behavioral patterns as subjectively "wrong" because they prevent me from achieving the effects that I desire.
Any plans for how to go about that?
Yes.
Quite the stereotype you're representing there.
But I do represent it, at least. I haven't worn a color other than black since age 13, excepting hospital scrubs. I sleep in the graveyard when weather permits (under a bridge when it doesn't). I lost most of my friends due to my extreme antisocial behavior and morbid obsessions, and for the most part I'm just fine with that because I'm so misanthropic and distrustful that I generally don't like to be around other people without a reason. I'm under perpetual surveillance by the FBI's JTTF. I'm considered the town crazy where I live; my mere presence makes most people around here uncomfortable (though rare is the person who will say this to my face). Horrorcore is a way of life to me, and I take it way too seriously for many people's comfort. Call it weird or crazy or stupid or scrubby or immature or whatever; most people do, but I don't care about most people. Certain things about me need to change, sure, because I'm not as functional or productive as I'd like to be, but I'll always be what I am.
inches away from vampire forums or occult studies.
lol, I posted on vampire forums a lot as a kid, 13-15 especially. Vamp community is not for me, though; for most of those people, the horror and insanity is just an act.
I don't know nuttin' 'bout no occult.
Getting the things you want takes either carving a path towards it
Yes.
Your story is not unheard of, what's different is which pieces fit where and in what order.
If there's one word I could use to describe the feeling of growing up for me, it would be "different". I always had the feeling of being outside, looking in. Are there others on a similar wavelength? Yeah, but not many at all compared to the number of people who aren't. We're a minority to be sure, but enough of us that there's at least a word for it. Omega-alpha males (or females):
"There are typically two types of omega male. The first is the “lovable loser†type. He is weird and maybe a little creepy, but harmless. Women may not be lining up to date him, but he can still get some dates and can be a nice guy, except when he crosses a social line (which happens at times).
Not to get too scientific, but these omega males are more omega-betas. They are nice guys who are considered backward or have odd tendencies. They often contribute to society and are decent, moral people. They may just lack the social skills to move up the ladder at work or to be successful in dating or making friends. They may be so socially clueless that their fashion sense and hygiene are bad. Most omega males fit into this category.
The second type of omega male is much more sinister. He is creepy and weird, but confident and even aggressive about it. A lot of these guys don’t just think they’re the bounty hunter; they also collect an arsenal of weapons and fantasize about using it on their perceived enemies. The perpetrators of recent mass shootings were clearly overconfident omega males who took their warped fantasies and opinions to a new level. These would be omega-alpha males."
How you sound will affect how others respond to you. You control your surroundings with your appearances far more than anything else.
I don't really care how I appear, or whether or not other people accept me as long as I can accept myself. I need to make some changes in order to get to that point, but if I had to choose between becoming a NORP and a taking a direct shotgun blast to the head, the choice would be easy.
I disagree. How you let yourself appear and behave is a major factor for what sort of world you'll build around yourself.
But those things will clear up when the core problems are solved. I'm not saying behavior doesn't have an effect, I'm just saying that it is an effect itself. Coughing while you have a virus can affect people around you. But it is a result of the virus. Better to take an antibiotic than cough syrup.