Lately I have tried to break my “self†down as much as possible. Everything I say or do... why? What is the purpose in why I act the way I do and then in many case the more important question is asked, how is I do what I do. How do I think the way I think? My narcissistic traits and tendencies haven’t really diminished. I still see myself as better than everyone else and my “fuck-ups†as awesome demonstrations from which others can learn. I justify nearly everything... internally. See, “outwardly†I have being taking an exasperating amount of time to be just the opposite.
In the company of others I have made the effort to appear humble, meek, small; but inside I am screaming. I can honestly say everyone... EVERYONE I have come into contact with over the past year has been a drain on my existence, and hardly worth my time. My narcissism is still there. And now I see the narcissism in others even more, and their blind spots they cannot see.
This bothers me, the narcissism in me. It bothers me because I know the hidden dangers of the narcissist’s views, you CANNOT see when you are actually BEING wrong. Even experiencing a bit of introspection for someone with seriously narcissistic issues becomes such a “grand†thing any grounds gained through introspection can be quickly lost. And then any losses get rapidly “justified†and the cesspool of narcissistic thinking begins its snowball effect again. “I was great to start with and I am even greater because of my failures.†This is crazy thinking.
Not sure where all this is going. I think that is why I wrote this down, hoping maybe someone out there can help me put these thoughts in some order... or to better understand what self-discovery might mean for an narcissistic anti-social.