by Turncoat"That's the total opposite of my experience. Either I've just had really bad luck, or the whole profession are a moralising bunch of cunts."
It's worth it to shop around. I've met some amazingly open minded ones that truly sympathized if not related to the unbalanced mind, but just the same I've also met those that see it as a "disease" that must be "treated". Knowing a thing or two about psychology usually reveals which of the two they are based on how they answer leading questions or allow for your own opinion.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for that. I only come into contact with therapists if I have to, not because I want to. Perhaps I'm being closed minded, but I just believe that most problems of the mind have physical origins, and there is only so much to be gained by sitting around talking about them. I think at the moment, science is not advanced enough to have solutions, so I am content with accepting myself the way I am and learning to live with it. Perhaps it's true that there is someone somewhere who could help me live with it better, but I'm doing okay, and it's just not worth the risk of having something like that on my medical record and all that would entail. I'm quite suspicious of the authorities in the country where I live, and try to have as little contact with them as possible.
"Speaking the language" sometimes threatens them as suddenly they're contending with another mind instead of digging into someone ignorant of their tactics. I've officially seen two therapists, one who I used for Disability Services advantages for college where I was misdiagnosed with ADD, and another who I visited for extra credit for a psych class who had no idea what to do from me being too confusing. To her credit, it was when I was at the height of my Schizophrenia and constantly switching back and forth between lucid and barely functioning, plus I still was facing some degree of rape trauma. I'd answer her questions, but the fact that they just made for more questions, like my original theory on the emotional spectrum and how it all related to fear and color schemes being complete nonsense with the illusion of logic, or revealed details about her through my studying her facial responses to my responses instead made her confused and uncomfortable. I also had a principle in a different private school who had a psych doctorate, and he thought I had some severe form of depression based on my writing featuring death and my anger over how stupid and prep-tastic the majority were.
I think this is exactly what I do wrong. I say it too well and they see through it. I had to speak to one a couple of months ago, and the mistake I made was thinking in advance of some vocabulary I would use and things that I would say. I went through my pre-prepared spiel way too fast and we were left with nothing to talk about, so she started digging further and asking more off the wall questions, which was where the problems started. If I ever need to do that again (hopefully never), I will seem less prepared, have more trouble with the initial questions and see it as more of a time-filling exercise.
The one I had for extra credit eventually sent me to be studied and diagnosed by some on-campus doctors, and... it was a mess apparently. My paranoia continuously flared as I kept pointing out what they were doing, pointed out that none of their questions made for objective answers and therefor I could not comfortably answer the questions with any clarity, and mentioned openly how I knew they were watching me from behind the two way mirror and purposely made the room have stuff be askew to study my behavior when left alone. I was right, but the suspicion apparently was enough to warrant a paranoia label. They kept asking me questions, and all I could do was ask them questions back if not answer their questions with listing their motivations instead of "what I saw in this picture". The most conclusive results they gathered was from a test that asks seemingly unrelated questions, comparing between yourself and disordered types who also took the test prior and answered similarly. The cocktail of meds they wanted to start me on was ridiculous, but thankfully the result came not even a week after my accidental discovery of Zinc, granting me the comfort to tell them that their approach was full of crap (in nicer words of course).
I've never gone so far as to question their tactics, I think because I've always had need to create a good impression so I don't want them to dislike me. Also, I would find it hard to say it in a nice way. I'm so skeptical of most practices of psychology that I have a hard enough job keeping a straight face as it is.
TLDR, all they ever had for me were tons of questions, and in turn I replied with more questions and answers they didn't want, so in a roundabout way I guess I'd answer your question with "yes, usually, depending on how unbalanced I was at the time". Their wanting you to answer questions a certain way is simply their means of trying to put you into a box and understand you, and apparently they don't take kindly to the same sorts of questions being asked back even when they fit within context, generally feeling insulted by the implications but still finding themselves without what they wanted. I'd try to answer their questions, but my understanding of the world required it's own dictionary back then.
Schizophrenia confuses a lot of people, even those in the field, since the ones describing their experiences can seem like other things if they are unaware of all of their shortcomings. It takes an open mind to really venture what it could be beyond an entirely literal DSM understanding, and the only one who ever ventured that was my abnormal psych professor who'd traveled the world teaching it and treating people. He instead of seeing me as "afflicted" saw me as interesting, and was largely how I found anything resembling answers at all beyond my independent studying of disordered people.
That's kinda shocking, tbh. I just think it is sad considering how prevalent mental disorders are, that our understanding of them is so much behind understanding of 'physical' health. I hope that in the future ppl will look back and see this as the dark ages of psychology. I know your problems are unusual, but I think ppl working in the field still should have recognised, that's their job.
"If you shared stuff about bad things you did to yourself, it was a way to earn respect, praise and attention. But if you dare be okay with yourself, if you accept yourself as you are or godforbid be happy, then there was definitely something 'wrong' with you."
Reminds me of how AA can reinforce weakness in certain individuals instead of promoting strength, since they'd view said strength instead as either ignorance or stubbornness. Everyone's a victim on some level, but some who believe that become far too biased to the point of promoting regression and self-harm.
I totally agree. I was being encouraged to go to AA at one stage, but I just find that atmosphere physically repulsive. I abhor weakness, and just have no respect for ppl who encourage it. It does more harm than good in most if not all individuals.
It also doesn't help that it clashes with their initial impressions, and that the one telling them is "less qualified" in their eyes. Still, how does that build respect, relatability and empathy BS?
"Anyway, it was a very difficult atmosphere to explain, and some things are best left in the past."
I don't really agree with that. "Best left in the past" is usually details that are chosen to be forgotten instead of overcome, but still crop up problems from time to time. It does sound difficult to explain, but it seems a bit similar to a troubled youth program my high school had that a friend of mine was stuck inside of. It was a joke to the point of being offensive.
I agree to a certain extent. But then how do you go about solving the issues that crop up as problems? Talking about them? There aren't always easy answers or explanations, and sometimes just talking and ruminating over issues raises more questions than answers. Sometimes you never get to the bottom of something, or there just aren't any easy answers. To quote the great philosopher, Tupac Shakur, "you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analysing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, should've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.â€
"Was it you who decided to go to the performing arts school, or was it your parents?"
The folks had me visit some surrounding schools first that didn't have such money gouging tuitions. In one of the schools where people were fist fighting in the halls if not hitting their own heads against them, the principle upon seeing how I was told the folks I shouldn't be in such a horrible place. San Francisco public schooling was at least back then a mess.
They shopped around for private schools and found that one, then had me sit in as a "visitor" student so we could see if I was right for the place. The politics and insanity were apparent pretty quickly, but it felt right, the struggle felt good, and the times in between kept me stimulated more often than not. I begged to go back and the folks were more than happy to oblige. The school turns people down, but I guess they liked me.
That's cool that you found a place where you fit in. I wonder what you would've turned out like if you'd gone to that other school...
